I just feel so hurt right now. I woke up this morning and I
feel like I have to throw up and my stomach is so upset right now. Like for the
first time in months I’m actually scared to be in the house alone. Like I feel
like I’m becoming paranoid again. Like I can feel them watching me. So when I
woke up this morning I didn’t want to get out of bed because my vagina hurt so
much. Like it felt like I was burning and I can still feel it. I’ve tried
everything to get that feeling out of me but nothings worked so far. It felt
like that after Banky had performed oral sex on me and before he raped me. It’s
like that feeling just won’t go away and it just makes me sick to my stomach
because I can smell him on me and no matter how hard I scrub I just can’t get
it off of me.
Someone to tell me it’s going to be ok, someone to hold
me and just be there for me, I need to hear that it’s not my fault and that I’m
still normal and beautiful and that I’m not damaged. I can’t do this part alone.
I’ve tried so hard and I can’t so I’m reaching out to my support system. I’ve
tried doing it alone and it doesn’t work, I only hurt myself and everyone else
around me when I do it alone. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok to
lean on other people when I need help. That I’m not weaker because I need help,
that I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.
I’m trying so hard
not to cry because my daughter is here and I don’t like crying in front of her
because she picks up on emotions so easily. My daughter has changed everything for me recently. I was so selfish the
past couple of years, especially after I had her; I was selfish to my ex- husband
and everyone else. But just being around her more and actually spending quality
time with her and opening up has changed my life. I want to be there for her when she’s 100 lol I know that it’s not
going to happen but I want to make sure that I’m around for her. She’s my heart
and if it wasn’t for her, I would still be drinking and trying to kill myself.
I don’t want my daughter to grow up without a mother like I did. That is the
2nd worst thing that could happen to her and I would never want that for her.
Every day I look at her and she gives me a hug or says I love you mama I think
about why I’m fighting so hard. Why I keep fighting to survive, I’ve been raped
and hit and abused (sexually and emotionally) enough times so that maybe one
day she will never have to go through what I went through.
Each day is hard; it’s the hardest thing I will ever have to
do. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed, some days I just want to fall
asleep and never wake up again because on my bad days I feel like I would be so
much better if he would have killed me and then I have days where breathing
hurts so much that I’d rather hold my breath until I die. But then there are
days where I have really bad panic attacks and I have control over them, and
that makes me feel really good because I know that everything I’m doing is
finally working. The emotions that I go through every day I can’t explain it.
There are a lot of highs but so many lows to go along with it. It’s a draining
and exhausting process that I’m scared that I’m going to have to live with for
the rest of my life. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get better,
to be normal again; I guess I just want to be a normal woman. Someone who has
no problems with her sexuality. A woman who doesn’t have the flashbacks, panic
attacks, triggers or the jumpiness when she’s touched by her partner. I want to
feel like my body belongs to me again, that someone never touched me in the
most intimate place every. I can’t get that back, none of it I can get back and
I don’t want to say its ok because it’s not but I’m determined to heal from it.
Sometimes I think about if there’s actually healing from
this. Is it something that you can actually be cured of or will it kill you
slowly in the end? Do we actually heal from the flashbacks or do they
eventually go away for a while and come back again when you’re not expecting
it? When it does come back do you have to start all over again with therapy and
healing? I wonder how many hours of my life I’ve lost to being raped and
fighting this battle. Who would have ever thought that it would cause so many
problems and so much heartbreak that a lot of people just don’t understand. I
just want to know if I can actually get better from this or am I just holding
on to false hope…..
1 comment:
"I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again because on my bad days I feel like I would be so much better if he would have killed me and then I have days where breathing hurts so much that I’d rather hold my breath until I die." I can relate to your feelings. I am very sad that U are struggling so much. Gentle hugs and love. :(
Post a Comment