Thursday, November 29, 2012

Her name is ms. sixteen. She’s so young and so sweet. So Innocent. So naive. So pretty. So tender. It wasn’t her fault cause anyone of us could have been her.

I’m not feeling good right now. The past 2 days have been really hard. Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning) I had a dream about my dad and it felt so real. We were talking and he had forgiven me and told me that he wasn’t mad at me. I told him how I couldn’t live in the house anymore that I couldn’t deal with my “mother”, “sister” or her son anymore and how I wanted to leave and he understood everything. It’s like we talked for hours, that he was really back to stay this time. He was even home and doing the things that he normally does and it was nice but for some reason I was the only one who could see him. He told me he had to leave and I started to wake up from the dream. I got up and went into the living room to look for my dad but he wasn’t there. It was just a dream and I was hoping that he was really back with us.

Each day gets harder, I cry sometimes, well I cry every day and I just wonder to myself how many more days of tears are ahead. It’s a heartbreaking feeling that feels like can’t be mended. I've been dealing with everything ok. I've been writing more instead of resorting to destructive behaviors that I used to do.

Last night was so lonely.  Like I’m in the house  alone and each day it gets a little bit harder to keep it together, it gets a little bit harder to stay strong, it gets a little bit harder to hold on, and it gets harder to breathe. It feels like pouring salt into your cut up heart every day and trying not to winch at the pain so that other people can’t see that you’re hurting. I got emotional when my daughter had the bear my dad gave her for Valentine’s Day, she was walking around holding it saying I love it mommy. I just wanted to break down and cry….
On another note my body is starting to hurt again. I went to be around 3 and got up at 8:30 so I did get some sleep, I don’t remember what I was dreaming about but I woke up feeling like total shit. This morning when I woke up I could taste Frank in my mouth and I almost threw up. At first I thought I was still dreaming and my husband asked me if I was ok I said yeah my stomach hurts and it still does a little bit. I still don’t know where it came from or if it was a bad dream but my whole body feels so dirty and disgusting right now. It’s like a sickening feeling. Like I felt like I was raped last night and my mouth hurts. I know that nothing happened but whatever I was dreaming about my body can still feel it and ugh I just want to scrub my whole body down just to get them off of me.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

But a mother without compassion, who fails to forge a bond with her daughter, provides for that daughter only when it is in the mothers best interest. Her daughter thus learns that she can’t depend on her mother. She grows up apprehensive, worried about abandonment, expecting deceit at every turn.

Therapy is getting harder and harder every day, but not in a negative way. The more I get into it, the more that it uncovers and I have to face it head on. all the things that I have been avoiding for the past 10 years, everything I’ve been trying to sugar coat so that I can feel better, my own personal issues and problems and things that I’ve swept under the rug to survive I’m facing right now. It’s not a bad thing at all; actually it’s kind of like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days but the good days are becoming so much better than the bad ones.

Since divorcing my family I feel free. Like I have no ties to them, they can’t hurt me anymore, especially my “mother”. I’ve took my power back. This whole time I thought I was supposed to take care of her, I felt like the mother until one day I started cooking for just me, and my daughter. I had gotten tired of feeling unappreciated. I would clean up after everyone, and cook 4 course meals every day and i was the only one eating it. One day I just cooked for me  and she came up to me and was like whens dinner ready. I said I don’t cook for everybody anymore because no one eats it. The food I cooked all last week is still sitting in the refrigerator. (By then I had stopped cooking for everyone for at least a week and she didn’t even notice.) Without a second thought, she went up to my “sister” and asked her to cook her dinner. (She went in there and cooked her dinner like she was her slave, my mother just sat there on her ass like a queen on her throne).  It was like no matter what I did or how hard I tried to make her happy or love me, I couldn’t force her to do it. And that’s when the hurt began. But the truth also started to come out also. I had opened my eyes up to her and realized that she doesn’t give a damn about me or anyone else; she only cares what you can do for her. She will die that way too. I’ve already accepted it and that’s ok. I’m an adult now; I don’t have to answer to her. I still respect her until the day she dies, and along with that respect comes my right to divorce my mother and my family.

Yes I said it and I don’t care what anyone feels about it. You don’t live my life, you don’t live in the same house as me and no one will ever understand it unless they have dealt with a Narcissist before. Growing up wasn’t physically abusive as it was more emotional abuse from my mother. I will still never understand why you would tell a 5 year old that you’ll cut off her hair if she flips it again. My “mother” is not a mother. Any woman can have a kid, it takes a real woman to have a connection with that child and want them to succeed in the world. It’s always some half ass excuses with her when you confront her, or shell twist your words and pretend like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. If you get the best of her one time, shell go back and tell everyone you both know how much you hurt her and how she doesn’t understand why you don’t love her when its actually her that hurt and betrayed you.

And the funny thing is, it’s not like I never tried having a relationship with my mother, I tried up until this year and I got sick of her shit. In high school I wrote her letters telling her what was going on with me and what was bothering me and how I needed her. She never responded back, the conversations that we had, she ignored and changed the subject and tried to blame me for her own actions. Or my favorite apology of hers is “if I hurt your feelings then I’m sorry”. I’m telling you that you hurt me so why can’t you say I’m sorry that I hurt you and leave it at that. Every excuse you make after that defeats the purpose of even apologizing. If my daughter keeps coming to me saying she hurt and she needs you there and that I was hurting her feelings but not accepting her then I would stop what I was doing to try and fix the problem.

 This year I even told her why I was upset and the things she did, like leaving the hospital and not being there for me after I was raped and apparently according to her it’s my fault that she doesn’t want to sit in the hospital all night. And of course my Narcissistic sister took my mother’s side saying how when I was in high school I had this attitude that I can do it by myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help. Geez………I wonder where I picked that up from, maybe because I had to do it by myself in school as much as a begged for my mother to be there for me she wasn’t. She didn’t feel like going to any of my graduation activities, she sure as shit didn’t want me to pick the activities I wanted to be in like chorus. Because she doesn’t feel like doing all that driving around( Ummmmm…… flaws, you weren’t the one driving me anywhere dad was while you stayed at home because you didn’t feel like seeing me sing) hell she didn’t want to take me to get tampons but you can make a drug run. HA don’t make me laugh.

I took the blame for every negative thing she’s ever done to me, I made excuses for her so that I could survive knowing that my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She told me to my face she didn’t care if we had a relationship and I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. Still holding on to hope that maybe one day she might change her mind and want to be my mother. And now that I think about it, it’s actually really sad, knowing that my “mother” wants nothing to do with me, only what I can do to make her happy. 

I am jealous of the relationship that my “mother” and “sister” have. It’s like they can talk about anything and she listens. They watch movies together and talk and when I tried to do that with her (after my dad went into the coma) it’s like I was being a bother to her and she ignored me. I now I’m grown but I did feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. You shouldn’t feel that from your own mother. She’s supposed to be there for you but mine was not and never will be. I feel like if I have to kiss her ass and suck up to her and sacrifice my daughter and husband to make her happy then I don’t want to have any relationship with her. It’s like to have a relationship with my mom I have to do what she tells me to do and let her raise my daughter and let her do whatever she wants. That’s not going to happen and I would never call a “woman” like that my “mother”.

As a parent now I understand that parents do make mistakes, they aren’t perfect, they fuck up; I’ve fucked up as a parent too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; the shame comes when you put it on your child instead of on your own actions. Children rely on their parents a lot, especially daughters on their mothers. When you grow up without having that emotional connection with your mother you don’t know who you are as a woman.  You don’t know what you like, you don’t have self-confidence especially if it’s been taken from you by the person who was supposed to protect you and that’s a hurting thing to realize and deal with and try to fix, especially if you realize this when you’re an adult.

It’s like starting all over again from the beginning and learning what you should have known when you were a child. It wasn’t my fault. I sat there and thought about how her childhood was but then I realized that her mother was always there for her whenever she needed it. Because at first I thought she hated me because of her childhood until I realized that she didn’t treat her son or her other daughter how she treats me. Maybe it’s because I look like her, or because I don’t kiss her ass anymore and actually tried to stand up for myself when I was a kid but whatever it was, it started in elementary school and got worse from there. She chooses to act the way she does, no one makes her do it and the fact that she’s aware of what she’s doing only lets me know that it is a conscious choice. 

I’m putting the blame back where it belongs on her. She was the adult, I was the child, you are responsible for how you treated me, not me and not someone else, only you and with that I’m letting go of you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wish that I can take the pain. This pain and suffering out of your life. Now I'm here in memories of how things how used to be, Can't hold these tears from falling from my eyes. Can't hold this hurting inside. It's gonna be hard, God take my heart 'Cause I don't want it anyway. I don't think that I can take, Feeling this hurt, I'm feeling the worst. Lord give me one more chance, Let me do all I can, 'Cause I don't wanna say Goodbye...

I’m tired and I just want to cry. It’s been a bad day and even worse year. I can’t say how much I miss my dad right now. I’m just so exhausted and tired of crying over it. I’m tired of crying knowing that he’s still suffering, I’m tired of crying about how he’s not here anymore, I’m tired of crying over he will never hug me again and it hurts just a little bit more than heartbreak.

I haven’t really been feeling too good all day, tomorrow is thanksgiving and he’s not here. He’s not here bugging me about what I’m cooking; I miss him telling me to find out what time Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is coming on. It came on today and I had it set for auto tune to watch but I couldn’t watch it by myself, I tried, I cried.

I’m trying to be strong but it just feels like every time I feel ok and I accept it, it’s like being shot in the stomach again and reality sets in. some days I think that he’s just on a really long vacation and then I walk by the living room and see his jacket and I want to put it on but I don’t want to forget what he smells like. I’m starting to forget what his smile looked like so I try to look at pictures but that only makes me cry harder and I feel sad instead of happy. I had forgotten what my dad sounded like until I forgot that I had a video of him singing Oh Christmas tree to our tree. I’m so happy that I found that video, it’s the last thing that I have left of him.

It’s such a depressing and lonely feeling. Some days I want to lie in bed and just cry until I feel better instead of pushing myself to stay up all night trying to relax so that I can cry. I’m just tired and I miss my dad more than I can even being to explain………….

I wish that you were here to celebrate together I wish that we could spend the holidays together, I remember when you used to tuck me in at night With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight. I thought you were so strong you’d make it through whatever, it’s so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this, and everyday life goes on like, “I wish I could talk to you for a while". Miss you but I try not to cry, as time goes by…….

The holidays are coming up and I’m feeling beyond sad right now. I have a lot going on with me right now. The new job is wonderful and I love it, I’m just so glad that I’m back to working again. On another note, my “brother” moved back in and were moving out. I have officially divorced my “mother”, “Sister” and “brother”. I don’t have any negative feelings at all because I really don’t care what they do anymore. Especially since you let a child molester move into the house with your granddaughter/ niece and apparently don’t have a problem with it I’m done. They are doing the things that my father didn’t want them to do and they know it. And then my “sister has the nerve to talk about our dad. So when was he our dad when you and mom decided to lie to our faces about taking him off of life support and blaming the facility? They are so full of shit that I’m just done with all of them. 

I used to wish that my mother had died instead of my father but as much as it hurts I’m kind of glad it happened this way.  My dad was the only reason why I stayed in the county and even stayed in the house because I didn’t want to leave him alone with my mother. And now it seems like now I have no reason to be here anymore. I don’t want to be around anyone who is blood related to me but my daughter. It just seems like everyone else has been infected by my Narcissistic “mother” and “sister”. This whole situation just has me thinking a lot lately. I’m starting to see that I was just a pawn in their game and that they don’t really give a damn about my daughter because if they really did, her son wouldn’t be living in the basement right now. 

The allegations against him was when he was a teenager but the whole looking at child porn incident thing I saw myself and it just makes me so uneasy and disgusted with him and more of my “mother” and “sister” to even allow it to happen. My father kicked him out the house and told us in front of him that he wasn’t allowed to live in the house ever again because of it and now look what happens.
It also has me thinking of the day that we were supposed to take my dad off of life support. We went in and my “mother” and “sister” tried to tell me that the facility had messed up and scheduled an appointment for finical aid instead of with the doctors to take him off of life support. I foolishly believed them thinking that they wouldn’t pull some shit like this but it just never made sense to me why that morning my “mother” was bringing the papers that she brought with her last time we saw the finical aid people. Her response was oh I’m bringing it just in case. In the bottom of my stomach I felt like I was going to throw up because I knew she was lying and I knew they weren’t going to take him off. As much as my dad cussed us out saying that he never wanted to be on life support, how he doesn’t want to live like this and it’s going on 9 months now. But now he’s off of life support but still on the feeding tube, he’s in a vegetative state with no brain function at all and heavily medicated and can’t move. Who wants to live like that? And yet they are walking around like nothing’s wrong. She’s telling everyone that he’s doing fine and talking about rehab. Am I stupid or can someone please explain to me how the fuck you rehabilitate someone who’s in a vegetative state?

I’m just sick and tired of dealing with them. I’m so much healthier without them in my life. I just really miss my dad a lot and the holidays are making it so much harder…..

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Autoerotic - As a result of the physical violence experienced during a rape, the survivors experience many post rape autoerotic (sexual) dysfunctions and fears. Within these are arousal dysfunctions, Vaginismus, dyspareunia, primary, secondary, and situational non-orgasmic, sexual unresponsiveness and premature ejaculation, and less frequent or intense orgasms. Overall, the survivors experience a fear of sex through mental association with the rape.

But I’m just feeling very sensitive and vulnerable and on edge right now. Like so far I love my job and lately I haven’t really been feeling good about it. Like I’ve always been on edge and scared to be around men and at my other job it was mostly women and not that many men but here it’s the opposite. And I’m just so uncomfortable talking to men at all unless they’re my customers. Like some days I’m ok and the next day I’m not feeling good and when a man comes up and just starts a conversation I’m calm but inside I’m scared to death. I’m always waiting to be raped again.

It’s actually a sickening feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Last night I kept having nightmares of being raped again so I didn’t get much sleep at al. So this morning I was up and just not feeling like myself at all. The nightmares’ really freaked me out. I kept having flashbacks of having the rape kit done and I remembered exactly how it felt and how much it hurt me.

I didn’t want to talk a shower this morning. I had felt so dirty last night that i just wanted to soak in the hot tub. I felt so used and broke that the only thing I wanted to do was sit down and cry it all out. My vagina was hurting. It was hurting the same way it hurt every time I was raped and touched. The pain was still there and I couldn’t stop it. The ride to work was so much worse, every bump in the road only made the pain 100 times worse and all I could do was try to breathe through it.

That broke me and I don’t feel normal. I will never feel like a normal woman. I won’t have the option of saying no without being scared that I will be raped again.