Thursday, November 29, 2012

Her name is ms. sixteen. She’s so young and so sweet. So Innocent. So naive. So pretty. So tender. It wasn’t her fault cause anyone of us could have been her.

I’m not feeling good right now. The past 2 days have been really hard. Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning) I had a dream about my dad and it felt so real. We were talking and he had forgiven me and told me that he wasn’t mad at me. I told him how I couldn’t live in the house anymore that I couldn’t deal with my “mother”, “sister” or her son anymore and how I wanted to leave and he understood everything. It’s like we talked for hours, that he was really back to stay this time. He was even home and doing the things that he normally does and it was nice but for some reason I was the only one who could see him. He told me he had to leave and I started to wake up from the dream. I got up and went into the living room to look for my dad but he wasn’t there. It was just a dream and I was hoping that he was really back with us.

Each day gets harder, I cry sometimes, well I cry every day and I just wonder to myself how many more days of tears are ahead. It’s a heartbreaking feeling that feels like can’t be mended. I've been dealing with everything ok. I've been writing more instead of resorting to destructive behaviors that I used to do.

Last night was so lonely.  Like I’m in the house  alone and each day it gets a little bit harder to keep it together, it gets a little bit harder to stay strong, it gets a little bit harder to hold on, and it gets harder to breathe. It feels like pouring salt into your cut up heart every day and trying not to winch at the pain so that other people can’t see that you’re hurting. I got emotional when my daughter had the bear my dad gave her for Valentine’s Day, she was walking around holding it saying I love it mommy. I just wanted to break down and cry….
On another note my body is starting to hurt again. I went to be around 3 and got up at 8:30 so I did get some sleep, I don’t remember what I was dreaming about but I woke up feeling like total shit. This morning when I woke up I could taste Frank in my mouth and I almost threw up. At first I thought I was still dreaming and my husband asked me if I was ok I said yeah my stomach hurts and it still does a little bit. I still don’t know where it came from or if it was a bad dream but my whole body feels so dirty and disgusting right now. It’s like a sickening feeling. Like I felt like I was raped last night and my mouth hurts. I know that nothing happened but whatever I was dreaming about my body can still feel it and ugh I just want to scrub my whole body down just to get them off of me.