Just a simple Thought

Ughhhhhh it sucks that I have to keep a notebook and pen by my bed just to get all the hurt out. It’s really cool how it’s coming along but it always seems to hit me before I fall asleep. Well at least now, I can rest with a free and relaxing spirit.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. She who loves roses must be patient and not cry out when she is pierced by thorns.~Kenji Miyazawa~

I had spent 30 minutes crying my eyes out because of my daughter. After dealing with my own molestation and emotional neglect from my family. I realize that I cannot protect her forever. That I can’t hold her hostage for the rest of her life from the boogieman.



Then it hits me. Because of the ignorant world we live in, she could go through the same thing I went threw. That sickening feeling started to engulf my body then the tears started streaming down my face.


I do read up on child abuse and the prevention, warning signs, and all the pre-cautions. I know my daughter like a book, from head-to-toe and front-to-back. I am a firm and avid believer in I will always believe my child over everyone else, no matter what she says to me. As she’s turning 1, it just gets scarier every day.


Being a parent is the scariest thing in the world. I would give up my life, my heart, my world if it was a guarantee that it wouldn’t happen to her. While I was crying, I started having visions of what would happen if it ever happened to her. I saw myself asking my daughter,” Who touched you?” I saw myself in the dream hugging her tight, telling her everything will be ok. I had felt myself break down crying for her, trying to take her pain away. I’m so glad it was just a dream but it still hurt me to my heart.


People don’t truly understand what sexual abuse/violence [molestation & assault] does to the human spirit/soul. It takes a piece of inner most private places [that hiding spot only you are suppose to know of]. And rips it to pieces. That’s something that you just can’t get back. That piece of innocence that you had stolen cant be brought back. No one deserves that kind of life because it’s not something that you chose to happen, it’s not what you ever imagine, it’s not your fault. But living with a life sentence is an enough burden for an adult to bear, let alone a child.


What scares me is that it seems to run the family (Sexual Assault, Rape, Molestation) like its caner. Through each generation and it seems it’s still such an unspoken word. Nothings changing, nothing is being talked about. No one seems to want to acknowledge what’s right and what’s wrong.


The statistics say that 1 in 4 women will be raped/ assaulted by the time she is 18. I cry that I was that 1 in 4 for her. I plead to be that 1 in 4 for her future generations. My sorrows are so deep and worn in that I pray all the abuse that I had went through is enough to protect my own family and spread knowledge and awareness. My heart screams and beats just to be the 1 in 4 woman for her.

My tipping point was when I later found out why everyone left the hospital (while I was in labor, after only staying for 30 minutes). Because my mother didn’t want to sit in the hospital all night.

Lady you really can’t be serious. I’m in labor with your first grandchild and the only thing you can think of is what you don’t want to do.
And this, when I think about it, made me wonder what the hell is wrong with my mother. Seriously, all jokes aside what is mentally wrong with her that she can [chooses not to] function as an adult.

Through my long road to recovery, I realize that I will never be healed of the abuse until I find what the root of the problem is. And that would be my parents, especially my dysfunctional mother.

I had just learned that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In some ways, we are all narcissistic but in a healthy way. She on the other hand pushes towards the evil side of the spectrum. She is a malignant narcissist. Which I will go into detail later on.

As I look over my childhood, I see how my parents dropped the ball with me [as my husband would say]. And this is 100% true. I’m just now coming to terms with this.

It’s just a relief to know that there is an explanation and that I am not crazy.