A Black Woman Surviving Rape: Aug 4, 2012

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, rape, or sexual assault often have to see their abusers after their attacks. Sexual violence is frequently committed by people we know—within our family, school, work, church, or any other community environment. However we know our abusers, we cannot always avoid interacting with them.

So I’m at home and watching TV with my daughter, my ex-husband is outside and he comes back in and asks me who J is (I’m not going to post his whole name) and I ask him what does he look like. So he tells me

What he looks like and that he was looking for my mom. It was the boy who molested me and other kids in my neighborhood when I was 5. My whole body froze and I felt like I had to throw up. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a feeling like that before

Like I really do feel so sick to my stomach. In that short period of time when my husband said my name I was hoping that it was my best friend that I went to school with because they both have the same first name. Like I really don’t know how I’m feeling but my anxiety is up and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Everything that he did to me flashed back in my head and I froze. I felt like I had stopped breathing and the only thing I kept saying to my husband was I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll tell you later. He handled it but I guess fear just over took my body and I’m just still in shock. My anxiety is high, my hands are still shaking and then I thought about my daughter and how innocent she is and how I would never want her to go through what I’m dealing with right now.

I just had to get that out, I couldn’t hold on to it anymore….

Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.