I’m tired again. I feel
sad again. I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way. It’s too draining to deal
with. My PTSD has gotten worse. At first the only things I had were the panic
attacks, flashbacks and body memories. Now I have the anger: guilt, the voices
running through my head. I've been having a lot of thoughts about suicide.
I don’t want to admit it
but my head is really fucked up. It’s heartbreaking accepting the fact that
what they did to me really messed up my head. This whole time I tried to take
the blame for it. I was hoping that maybe if I took some of the blame I would
have control over the situation and I could fix it. But I can’t take that blame
because I can’t fix it by myself. I can’t do this alone anymore.
Every day I’m sad and
angry and hurt. I want to stay in bed and rock and cry. I don’t want to do
anything anymore. I don’t even have the energy to go to work. I’m so fucking
sick of faking being happy and faking the smiles. IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY. IM NOT
FUCKING OK.
I feel like I’m going
crazy. There are a million thoughts running through my head all the time. I can’t
stop the voices. I wish they would just shut the fuck up and leave me the hell
alone. It just makes me think about a lot. Like I've been feeling like this
since fucking elementary school. I remember every happy moment and every sad
moment and I should be able to do that at all. This whole time I've been
pretending to be happy just to survive and that’s the sad part.
The only thing that stops
the voices is listening to music which is what I’m doing right now and I feel
happy. I feel normal again. Sometimes the music doe make me feel sadder but
then I can write it out and get it out of me. Smoking relaxes me enough to the
point I can get some sleep and the anxiety does go away and I can function.
Crying makes me feel so much worse. Like every time I cry it hurts so bad. When
the tears come out it feels like my face is burning. My writs start throbbing
so bad. I just want to cut just to make the throbbing stop. I want to cut to
make the pain go away. But I don’t. I keep starting at the scars on my arm that
remind me when I used to cut.
It makes me sad. I called
some places today about getting help for the PTSD. They are closed so I’ll call
them back Tuesday. When I was talking to the lady from the rape crisis center I
broke down. I’m sick and need help. I broke down and started crying. I couldn’t
hold it in anymore. It hurts too much. The tears hurt too much. I’m just lost
right now…