Monday, July 23, 2012

 She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten.

So what really crack me up are parents. How when you’re older they all of a sudden forget the things they have said and or done to you but somehow they can remember some memory in that same time period. It makes me sick. I’m working on becoming a more open and honest woman and mother. If you ask me a question I refuse to lie to you about it.

Not all mothers are perfect. No mother will ever be perfect and that’s a fact. I feel like if you admit that you did something wrong then it’s so much easier for me to forgive you because you are acknowledging the fact that you made a mistake. My problem is when people make these sorry ass apologies saying if I hurt you then I’m sorry. It’s like they have no recognition of what they said or do. Which is understandable and reasonable but when you say that never happened when two seconds ago you told me you didn’t remember that just means you remembered, you don’t want to deal with it or talk about it and that’s ok too.

I’ve wasted enough enegry on trying to learn more about my mother. I’ve waste so much time and energy on why we have no connection except the fakeness that I have to do every day just to get you to talk to me. And it hurts, it feels like I’m selling my soul to the devil and ii want it back except it hasn’t been cashed in yet.

People don’t understand that every woman who has given birth is not a mother. That there are mothers out there who abuse their children and yet for some reason when their children come and tell someone they are accused and wronged because the most important person in a child’s life has always been the mother and everyone knows that mother can do no wrong.

when we go to protect ourselves we are crucified and it hurts and burns and tears a whole through our souls at the same time and the only thing you can do is try to take a deep breath and……….