I was lying in bed this morning trying to get my daughter to go to sleep. So I petted my pillow trying to get her to lay her head down and as soon as I did it, I have the most vivd flash back I can ever remember.
The actual flashback was only like a second but it felt like hours. I had a flashback of frank laying down with just his underwear on and petting the pillow. He use to do it all the time before he raped it. It was like his secrete signal for me to come over because I knew what would happen if he had to get up.
But I saw the color of it, the pattern of the sheets on the bed, I remember exactly what I had on and how my hair was. I felt the expression on his face the way his beard looked and felt and that emptyness at the bottom of my stomach.
I ummmm.......its hard just even writing about it, my hands are shaking I'm getting hot and my body is getting so irritated. Ugh the only thing I want to do is scream. But for me I scream through my words. It took me over 12 hours just to even get up the courage to write about it. Because I know if I actually put it down on paper then id have to deal with it.
But yeah I'm still shaken up about it. But I'm really glad that at the second I hit my hand on the pillow my daughter started laughing at me and banging her head on the pillow and snapped me out of it. Thank God she's my saving grace.
Sometimes I feel so bad about having panic attacks and flashbacks around her because I feel like I'm letting her down. I feel like I should be strong enough for her and me. And then I take a second to breathe and realized that I am so much stronger than I think.