Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I feel that we {black women} should write because after all there are a lot of us out here that are hurting and don’t know where to turn and we keep it bottled up.

So I’m still trying to manage being a mother, a woman and a blogger. But I can say that it is getting easier every day
I have been writing about the assaults and rapes in details that way I can finally get it off my chest. The only way I feel I can have peace in my life is to actually tell what happened. It actually really doesn’t matter if anyone reads my blog, I know it’s someone out there who will benefit from me writing my story.

The one that kills me the most was when my innocence was stolen from me by my ex. I was in a relationship {abusive} with him from 16 to 18. It’s something that has changed my life forever. As I look over each assault I see how it has shaped the woman I am today. Although it has caused me a lot of pain and worries, if I had the chance to go back and change a thing, I wouldn’t. And I have never been more proud and honored to say it and truly mean and feel it.

So begins my process of healing…….

I thought I would always be known as the weave queen. I always thought that I would die with a head full of tracks on a permed scalp. I went nowhere without my weave. I had always spent hours perming, flat ironing, sewing, parting, covering up and curling my tracks. Just to look “pretty”. Thinking that all men, especially black, want their women with straight long hair, so I put my mask on and played the part.

When I started going natural it was the summer of 2007, I put no thought into how it made me look. Because I had the preconceived notion that I would be ugly and unattractive without straight hair. I thought I could turn men off. That no one would notice me…that maybe it will prevent me from being assaulted again….it didn’t. Up until a couple weeks ago, I kept it in my head that if I stay unfit, kept the baby weight and wear sweat pants, men wouldn’t notice me. That wearing my natural afro and a new mom shirt would be a complete turn off. Trying to make my self fat and ugly isn’t going to stop the looks, the stares or from being assaulted again. And that was my biggest fear.

In November, I started to lock up my hair. For some reason in my heart I felt like it was the right thing to do for myself. My soul and my mind felt like it was being healed and I could feel my spirit come back to life. I’m starting to feel alive again, like my purpose of being here is starting to show. It’s coming to me now.

My hair has always been my way to represent myself and stages in life. Growing dreadlocks represents my process to healing. Right now, it’s the beginning stages. I know I have to set up the foundation correctly or it won’t grow properly and the progress will be more difficult than what it has to be. This rule also goes with my healing too.

The reality is, my locks aren’t going to look fresh everyday. Some days it will be tangle up and ugly looking and others neatly polished and with clear parts. But it is a growing process that will need a lot of nurturing, intimate care, meticulous work and hours of much needed time. It is worth the effort even though some days it will feel like the tears and pain will never end. I can always look in the mirror and finally smile with my soul.