Monday, December 17, 2012

Things Not to Say to a Survivor of a Sexual Crime Please don't...Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet. Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn to be safe again.

 What I don’t deserve is to be punished for it. It’s like everyone expects me to be happy all the time and I’m not. I cry and its ok, I don’t need anyone else’s permission to fucking cry because I’m hurt. I was molested, I was raped more times than I can count and that hurt me. What happened to me hurt me in ways that most people can every understand it hurt me in ways that I can’t even begin to understand. So I talk about it, that’s my right to do so. I get sad about it, I have that right and personally I’m starting to feel like if me being unhappy because I’m having flashbacks or panic attacks makes you uncomfortable then that’s your fuckin problem not mind. I did not ask to be raped, I did not ask to be molested, I didn’t ask for other people to use and hurt me. I didn’t ask for my family to hurt me or be the way that they are towards me. I cry because I've earn that right to cry whenever the fuck I want to. I've earned the right to be sad whenever the fuck I want to. Over the past 20 years I've earn the right to have a couple of bad fucking days and you or no one else can take that away from me. I have the right to have my emotions and feelings change whenever they do.

 My healing has no damn time limit. I don’t care anymore that I've been dealing with this for 10 years because I realized something; it’s going to take more than 10 years to even begin to fix it. In fact it can’t be fixed; it can only be incorporated in to my life. However long it may take for me to do this it is ok. If anyone ever tells you that you’re taking too long to heal look them dead in their eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves. Tell them that they can tell you how long to take to heal when they’ve been raped, tell them when they can live your life then they can tell you what to do, look them straight in the eyes and tell them to either be by your side or get the fuck out of your life. I wish I would have said that to my ex-husband when he told him how long it’s taking me to heal. Like if that’s not the biggest bullshit I've heard in my life after my dad telling I disappointed him after I was raped. I don’t think people understand how much words really do hurt. And you sit there and repeat those words in your head and try to justify it, you try to make sense of the words but you’re just wasting your time thinking about it because what that person said to you will never make any logical sense. If I could hurry this process along and get better faster don’t you think I would have done it already? Like seriously think about it, who in their right minds want to feel their rapist inside of them every day? Do you really think I want to live the rest of my life this way? Because if you do then you’re sicker than I thought you were.