A Black Woman Surviving Rape: Mar 29, 2012

Thursday, March 29, 2012

i feel fat, ugly and very lost.....

My father had a heart attack on the 17. He had went to a clinic that morning because his stomach was upset. Turns out he had a mild heart attack there. So they took him to southern maryland hospital and he had a major heart attack there and coded 3 times. They flew him out to a different hospital where he had another major heart attack. He had tripple bypass surgery and is still on life support. That Wednesday he had another heartattack and was unresponsive for 33 minutes. So right now they don't know if he's going to make it. Tuesday they said that they were going to give him until this Friday to respond to not being sedated. They don't know how much brain dage he's suffered or if hell even wake up. He's in a coma.

I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm hurting. I'm trying to stay strong for him and my daughter but it just hurts so much. I just want to cry all the time because my dad isn't here. I miss him being at home and bothering me. It really hurt me because today my daughter was looking at a picture of my dad holding me as a baby and I said you see pop pop. And she looks at me and crawls towards the bedroom door to try to get it open so she could see him. And the terars just came from my eyes but I held them back. And I had to tell her pop pop isn't here hunny he's in the picture. She looks at me and starts to cry and trys again to get the door open.

The past two weeks have been hell for me. I've been sinking into depression but I catch myself from going there. I'm trying not to cry now but I keep telling myself that everything will be ok. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was for my dad to come home....he's my everything but it will be ok....

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Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.