Friday, June 29, 2012

It is important to remember that rape and sexual assault is NOT the same as consensual sex/making love/being intimate with someone who cares about you. Rape is about having your choices taken away. Being intimate with your partner is something you can choose to do or choose not to do. You can ask your partner to stop and he/she would stop. You may find that some positions may now seem frightening to you and you may feel you want to use positions where you feel more in control over what is happening. If you are with someone who cares about you, loves you, respects you that is entirely different from a man who is abusing you, who has no care or respect for you. An intimate relationship with someone you care for and someone who cares for you is entirely different from forced sex. Abusive sex is someone hurting you, having power and control over you, consensual sex is someone you choose to be intimate with, someone you are caring for and someone caring for you.

I feel like a failure as a wife and woman.

This sex therapy is so much harder than I thought it was ever going to be. So yes I am healing and yes it kind of is working but it hurts. It hurts because it seems like no matter what I do I just can’t get it right.

I have so many problems sexually I don’t know where to begin. When I think I’ve fixed one problem, 100 more appear with no solution. After going through the sexual experiences I have encountered and my feelings towards them I was shocked.
I’ve always associated sex with being raped. I had no feelings or attitude towards sex because I never had it before I was raped. With nothing to compare it too besides my own feelings and what people tell me it’s supposed to feel like I was lost.
I didn’t know how to react, I knew that there were a lot of feelings and emotions that I was having that I liked but was also afraid of because I couldn’t control them. There were a lot of feelings I couldn’t stand because it reminded me of being raped. Finding out what my triggers are, going into details about the rape, the smells, sounds, what was in the room really opened up my eyes.
I learned that I still cannot be intimate whenever I want to. That I’m confused about the sexual feelings that I do have.

Unless I’m 100% sure that the feelings I do have are real and not just my past messing with me, I don’t act on them. I don’t act on the feelings because I know I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with anyone in a healthy way. Now I’m starting to understand how my feelings affect my sex life. The sex dreams I have all the time, it seems as though it’s the only thing on my mind and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I feel disgusting because of it. I feel disgusting for wanting sex, I feel embarrassed and I don’t know how to talk about it. Like I guess I never thought that being molested or raped would ever effect anyone this much or this deep.

I have a problem with controlling sex. I have a problem with my feelings towards sex and how I act out on them. I’m doing things that are only hurting the progression I’ve made.

I masturbate all the time if I had the chance. I do it so much because it just feels like all this pain is inside of my body and it just hurts when I can’t get it out. The pain feels like my vagina and pelvis is on fire from the pain and there’s nothing but pins and needles and my stomach starts to cramp up and my who body feels like it’s been hit by a mac truck. I masturbate to the point where it doesn’t feel good anymore.

It’s really painful but it lets the bad feelings about sex out. Afterwards I’m usually embarrassed and disgusted with myself but I don’t have anyone I can relate to. I just want to have a healthy sex life. I don’t want to feel bad about sex again….


Thursday, June 7, 2012

"The last thing I want to be known as is 'The Girl Who Got Raped'. The big turn around you make in your head is from victim to survivor."

He’s crying out my tears for
The past 9 years…..

Every time it pours it rains
And every time it rains it

I’m always that one person at
The top of the highest land mark
Waiting for everyone to
Go by.

Always waiting to not be saved……
©Golden Rays


 Even the happiest, strongest, and most optimistic of people have moments in life when their strength falters and their smile fades away

I feel as though he has taken my secrets and pain and cried again for me. He took that hurt and held it for me. He held me when when I thought I was walking through this world alone. He took all that hurt and emptiness and cried it out for me.

I saw the clouds roll in and the pain fall from the skies. I felt the earth relax and let go of gravity for just a second. The dark clouds. Smeared make up. Circles and no where else to go or to turn to.

The winds hold me tight as the clouds roll over my soul. Stealing away everything I held on to I exhale and fall to a new death.

There comes a point when you have got to stop relying on other people to make you feel okay.

My dad isn’t coming back. I’m in shock right now. I’m scared, I really don’t know how to feel or what to say right now so I guess I’m going to start from the beginning.

Today is that anniversary of my rape by my ex. 9 Years ago today I had my virginity stolen from me. I have everything ripped apart and to this day it still has never fit right back in the pieces the same way again. So I’m home alone today for the first time since it happened. Every year I have always worked all day on this day and this is the first year I’m coming at it with an open mind and heart. Bu I can’t handle that issue right now because I’m still trying to deal with that my father will never wake up and the mother I never had.

 As if this could come at a better time right?

So the day my dad went into the hospital because of the minor heart attacks he had I broke down and cried. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe and I remember my husband saying, it’s ok, he will be ok.
When we got there he looked normal, acted like himself, still being funny and sarcastic and loving. He wanted to get out and go home and when I looked him in his eyes I just had this unsettling feeling like it was only going to get worse and he looked at me as if he was saying I’m tired. When he left the hospital, they said there were only going to keep him for two days; I just had this bad feeling and couldn’t brush it off. Nothing I did could numb the upcoming feelings I had. Which I think is why it hurt me so fast. 
That night the nurse told us he coded 3 times, that we need to hurry up and get there because they don’t know if he was going to make it. We sat in the waiting room for hours in pjs, still asleep, scared and worried (when I said we I meant all of us including my 13month old daughter). That date was March 17, 2012. So we went back home and everything was blurry, they called us up to the hospital several times a day that whole week. By that Saturday March 24( my birthday) he had went into a coma, that Tuesday we went up to see him because later on in the week he had to have triple bypass surgery.

I guess I knew that from the first heart attack and from what the doctors were telling us I knew he wasn’t going to make it. He eyes told me that when we were in the first hospital. I kept it all inside because I didn’t want to say anything and take away everyone else’s hope of him coming back.
At the end of April I remember looking into my dad’s eyes and seeing him telling me to let him go.

My dad was the only person I kind of had on my side. I don’t have a relationship with my mother anymore. The only contact I have with my sister is cordial or concerns my daughter or things like that. The reason why I don’t choose to have a real relationship with my sister is because she acts like my mother so much. I don’t feel like I should have to deal with someone like that who is constantly hurting you on purpose.
I feel like I’m breaking down because my dad isn’t here anymore. It’s hard just knowing that he isn’t coming back.