I’m just really tired right now. This whole month has been
so depressing and emotional and I don’t know why. I just feel like crying all
the time. I sent off for my police report when I tried to press charges against
Banky. Ugh just saying his name makes me sick to my stomach. It just seems like
everything is falling apart. The more help I get the worse things become around
me. I keep second guessing myself about what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m
doing the right thing. I feel like I have to do it I have to speak out about
what’s happening. It still feels like I’m carrying around this deep dark secret
and its tearing me apart inside. I’m scared about publicly speaking about what
happened. I’m scared that people I called my friends won’t want nothing to do
with me anymore. I’m scared that ill push everyone else away. I’m scared that
I’ll never get over this.
Therapy isn’t going well at all. Every time I need someone
to talk to everyone is busy so by the time that someone ask me what’s wrong or
what’s bothering me I don’t really have anything to say because I don’t feel
that same feeling anymore. I feel as though people just ignore my feelings, I
feel like I’m sacrificing my soul. And right now I’m actually starting to think
that something is seriously wrong with me mentally. I think it’s my hormones
again. I’ve been keeping track of my emotions and something just seems so off
with that and my eating habits.
This has just been such a bad year and I can’t stop thinking
about my dad, I just wish this whole thing was over. He doesn’t want to live
his life suffering, not knowing what’s going on around him. He has no function
in his brain and yet my mother still won’t take the feeding tubes out. The
doctors keep telling us that he’s not going to come out of the vegetative
state. And it’s been 8 months and no one is listening to me and I can’t do
anything about it. She didn’t care about him while he was around so why are you
making everyone else (including your husband) suffer.
It’s just a lot of stress going on right now. My Grandfather
(I’ve known him since I was 5 and he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a
grandfather) died last night. Death always comes in 3’s. Its only October and
the year isn’t even over. I’m tired of trying to hide my tears. I’m tired of
crying in the bathroom. I’m tired of just letting go of one tear at a time and
hiding the other tears. I’m just tired of having sad feelings.