The tears pool into her eyes, Not knowing next what may materialize. As they cascade down her thin and pale cheeks, She gazes in the mirror at herself wondering exactly where she has been these last few weeks..? Is the damage done and unrepairable?

    Jul. 28th, 2004 at 7:06 PM

In a so called world of justice that we live in, all of a sudden the word no is not enough. It’s pointless and doesn’t mean shit to the man on top of you talking away your dignity or the police who are investigating the crime. According to the police in Prince Georges County, for me to charge him with rape, I would have had to resist him more. Which I didn’t, in other words, he would have had to beat my ass to get charged. What the fuck?

I was raped Monday night. Right now I just feel sick to my stomach. I could have prevented it, that’s why I feel so sick. I should have looked at what was going on around me at the time but I didn’t, I was too drunk to realize any of this. His name is Banky. We were supposed to be going to green belt mall which is in Pg. County but first he told me we had to go to his house so he could change he told me he had a lot of people over so I didn’t feel like anything was going to happen. I was on the couch and we were just watching TV. With his roommates sister and her friend. That went on for an hour. He takes my hand and he leads me to his room. We just lay on the bed and looked at pictures of him and his friends. He was laying on the bed and I was sitting up. He went and talked to one of his friends. He came back in the room and kissed me on my neck then he asked me if I wanted to go to the store with him to get the Hypnotic and I told him yeah. So we went and go the drink and came back to his room. He told me I wouldn’t get drunk off of it. I sat on the bed and two of his friends came in the room with us. I don’t remember his roommates name but his friends name was Z.

 Banky set on the bed beside me, z sat on the other side of Banky and his roommate sat in the chair with a mirror in it that was right across from the air conditioner. His roommate asked if I mind, he had weed in his hand, and I told him no. Banky poured the hypnotic in a blue plastic cup and I drank it. It didn’t taste like anything but kool aid. So I told him I was going to finish it, since there wasn’t that much in the bottle anyway and I wasn’t feeling drunk or anything.(i had been drinking jack and hard liquor months before the hypnotic so i knew it wasnt going to get me drunk) He and his friends were talking passing the blunt around and Banky had some. After they were done he started kissing me and I kissed him back. He was on top of me touching me and kissing me everywhere and I let him do it to me. He performed oral sex on me and I let him do that too because I wanted it. he picked me up by my hands and pulled me up and took off my pants, I held on to his shoulders and that’s when I told him that I didn’t want to have sex with him. I laided back on the bed and I was on my side facing him. He was kissing me, the next thing I saw was he held a condom up but it didn’t register in my head what was happening. He climbed back on top of me and I could feel his penis against my leg, that’s when I tried to move but I was too weak to do so. I kept saying I don’t want to have sex but it was like he was zoned out. He put it inside of me and I had started screaming yelling no but he didn’t stop, this went on for 15 minutes. He got off of me when I started crying. he said, “Tarina, why are you doing this?" he got off of me and I put my clothes on, while he put his on I sat against the wall and cried I want to go home, that’s all I could say. We walked out of his bed room where his roommate’s sister was sitting on the couch watching TV. We sat in the dining room where we had a conversation that was written on a napkin. I felt so sick about what had just happened and about how sick I was feeling about the drink.

 I layed on the bed and cried, all I said is I want to go home. I don’t remember the second time that well, I remember him taking my pants and panties off and I didn’t do that much resisting because it was going to happen anyways. I just screamed that’s it, hoping he would stop and about after 10 minutes he did. We had to wait for his roommate to come back with the car, he took me home. I got home around 2:00 in the morning. The first person I called was Will. He called the police and everything for me. I didn’t change, shower or brush my teeth; I knew not to do that. The cops arrived and told me I would have to call pg. county police because it was out of his district. He got over to my house in like 20 minutes. We called pg. county police and we had to go up there to get the statement taken and everything. We got up to the station around 3:30 and the officer arrived at 5:00. At 5:35 I started writing my statement, it took me two hours to do this. The officer called me selfish because I didn’t perform oral sex back on Banky. After the questioning, he told me no isn’t enough to charge him with rape, he said I would have had to resist more and that there might not be enough evidence to charge him. After all the shit I’ve been through that night he might still be able to walk free. He took me to the hospital and that took about 4 hours, I had to get a rape kit done, which hurt so bad.  I finally got home at 4:45 Tuesday evening.

This whole thing could have been avoided. I should have sense that something was wrong; I wasn’t paying attention when I should have. First of all I should not have been drinking with men, which is something I swore I would never do but I did and I got fucked up in the end. Second of all when he performed oral sex on me I should have known that he want sex or oral in return. Just because I trust him it doesn’t mean he’s not like every other man. All men want sex and what man is not going to want something after performing something like that? He turned up the radio before he raped me that should have clued me in that something was going to happen. It was so loud that I don’t think his roommate’s sister heard me when I screamed, and I was screaming loud too. When he lead me to his bed room I should have told him no but I don’t know why I didn’t. Obviously he wanted sex; he knew he was going to get it that’s why he led me to his bed room. Right now I’m kind of ok. I still feel sick as hell. Last night I couldn’t go to sleep because I felt him on top of me. I couldn’t even sleep with the lights on. I would jump at every little noise. Last night I had a nightmare that Banky called me and said that if I didn’t drop the charges he would kill me. Then when I was going to sleep I saw him with a gun in his hand and that’s when I woke up from the dream. it’s like I jump every time the phone rings, he’s called three times today but my mom picked up, I’m scared that he’s going to come back and really hurt me. I can still feel him touching me. And my whole body is sore and I didn’t mean for this to happen.

I lay in my bed, with tears streaming down my face As haunting memories take back to that painful place Feeling his hands touch me Waking up to nothing, hoping these memories will just leave Always hiding from that something that’s never there Caring a burden that I can no longer bare Terrified to tell anyone About how my so called friend, did what he had done..........

  Jul. 30th, 2004 at 8:15 PM

Last night I didn’t get any sleep at all. Someone from his house called my house at 11:44 p.m. and hung up. It scared the hell out of me, I was in the guest bed room at the time which is across the hall from my room and I was scared to leave. It took me like five minutes just to go out and see what was happening. I checked outside the dining room window and saw that no one was there, it was a big relief but I still didn’t feel safe in my own house anymore. the little noises that the house use to make scares the hell out of me now, like little creaks and bumps in the floors makes me paranoid. it feels like someone is watching me and I just have this really bad feeling that something bad is going to happen if I don’t do something fast and quick.. But I have a feeling that it’s going to be one of his friends that hurts me not him. Last night I went to bed at 5:00 in the morning and I fell asleep around that time, I woke up again at 7 and checked the house to make sure no one was in it but my mom and sister; I went to bed and woke up at 9. Finally I went to bed again and my mom woke me up at 11. I haven’t been to sleep since but I’m just really tired, I have bags under my eyes, I tried to go to sleep after I finished typing my resume yesterday afternoon but I was too afraid of going to sleep, I’m scared that when I wake up I’m going to see his face again. It makes me sick just thinking about what happened. I called the detective to check up on my case but it turns out that it was transferred to some other guy and if I didn’t call today I would have never found out. I called again that day and they wouldn’t give me the number where I could reach the fucking detective at which really pissed me off. Finally I called for the last time and there was no one who could answer my question so I was transferred over to the detectives voice mail where I left a message. He is supposed to be back Monday afternoon around 7 p.m. now what I don’t understand is what’s going too happened between now and then? Fuck I don’t even know if they arrested him because it seems like no one is able to answer that question. Did they send a cop over to check the scene of the crime? I went into detail about where everything was and the position and what he did and where he put certain things after it happened. By Monday everything could have changed, he’s not that dumb to keep everything the same. Of course it’s going to make me look like I was lying and that it was just consensual sex. Which it wasn’t. The odds of me charging him with rape in the first place are against me. Damn he had to beat my ass for it to be rape and since I didn’t have any bruises, it’s not rape in their eyes, no wasn’t enough. What about me? Everything is on his side I don’t have anything now. It’s my words against his and by the time the god damn cops decide to get off their lazy asses and do something it will be too late. Honestly I don’t want to have to deal with this but in some sense it’s making me stronger. Finally because of this, I know exactly what I want to do in life. I’m going to be a registered nurse and work with rape victims. No one should have to go through this shit ever but it’s going to happen and I know that. Every two minutes another woman in the United States is raped. That’s not going to stop. I’m going to help other people like me. But first I have to help myself and I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I feel alone for some reason. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to break down and cry but that’s not going to do anything for me. my head hurts a lot and it seems like I’ve been getting frustrated with a lot of people, even my own dad and most of the times I’m not like that around him. I feel bad because I’m taking my anger out on my family and I don’t mean to do that.



 I don’t know I still don’t believe that this has happened. The places he touched me, it feels like its burning. My chest hurts and my back is hurting me worse. I’m really sore in my private area and swollen, it just seems like this is never going to end. Going out in public is that hardest thing ever. It seems like every man is looking at me like they want something. It’s like they are undressing me with their eyes and its making me sick. I went to burger king with my dad yesterday and there were three men sitting together and they were starting at me the whole time and when I walked by I felt so sick, I felt like I was going to throw up. I don’t even want another man to look at me again; it just makes me so uncomfortable.  Today I called the police back and I found out what little I could about my case. Nothing has been done. I even talked to the supervisor of the station and he said to his knowledge they haven’t sent out a cop to Banky's house and they haven’t arrested him. By now all the evidence is gone and basically there’s no hope for me now. It was already my word against his and now there’s no evidence on his part. Wow I didn’t report the last rape because of this reason. I didn’t think the police would do anything about it so when I finally open my mouth to say something look at what happens. Well I’m not going to let it happen to anyone else, this stops here and now.