Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Her bath washed away the semen but it didn’t wash away the memories of when he forced her to get on her knees and suck his – so I cried as if I was his daughter because of that rage and that possible AIDS between my legs, it could never add up to her pain, her distortion as he licked my body up and down. I hope that he would ejaculate enough that in his own semen he would drown. He carved his name in my uterus so that my first born child could on be as cursed as….Inaudible…. Thinking that this only happened in movies, she was the main character in the (inaudible) when she cried and he opened her credits. Too scared of the night, that is why she wished for ongoing sunlight.

I had met Frank before my junior year. We had been talking for that whole year and felt like it was the best thing that happened to me. I never had a lot of boyfriends but I did have a lot of friends. Hell, I didn’t have my first kiss until I was a freshman in High School. So I thought it was pretty cool that I had a man who actually liked me.

When I finally told my parents about him I was 17, they didn’t have a problem with his age but more so of his race. Their exact words were we don’t want you dating him because he’s not black. Because Hispanic men beat their women. I remember thinking and telling them that it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life and walking away from them. I knew that race had no part to play when it comes to abuse. So I was determined to see him.

That’s when I started to sneak out the house just to see him. We would go to the movies, the mall out to dinner all the time. At the time he had lived in Silver Spring so some days wed just go back to his apartment and watch movies. I was a virgin and was saving myself for marriage. So the only thing we did was kiss.

It was a Saturday I’d lost my virginity. My best friend and I had plans on going to the mall. Which we did do. My parents found out I was seeing him and made me stop so she would help me see him. I had curly tracks in my hair. My toes matched my nails. I had on a short black mini skirt with slits on the side. A yellow off the shoulders top that I had to wear a strapless bra with. My yellow old navy flip flops matched my head band.

We went to bath and body works. I remember buying warm vanilla sugar body spray and lotion. Frank met us in front of sears and we went back to his house. I was supposed to be back at the mall by 5:00 so she could take me home.

So we got into his car, he always drove a stick. I hate stick shifts because of him; he would drive like a crazy person and hit the brakes at the last minute. I swear I thought I would have a heart attack when he would drive.

It was maybe an hour drive and I kept looking down at my legs and it felt like my stomach had hit the floor. Frank holds my hand the whole drive up there. We have hung out at his house so many times before and for some reason this day I felt really uneasy about it.

So we get to his house and were just watching TV. It was Saturday so they were playing scary movies and action movies. We talked a little bit but was more focused on the movie. Frank was lying behind me and he’s holding me and running his fingertips up and down my legs and he kissed me. I kiss him back he climbs on top of me and we started kissing harder and I tell him I don’t want to have sex and that I’m scared. I was a virgin and the furthest I had gone with anyone was kissing (especially with a man). At this time my heart is beating out of my chest and he says ok and kisses me again. I keep kissing him back and he starts putting his fingers inside me. It hurts really bad and I start to push him off of me and in that second he just gets really mean.

Frank rips my underwear off and has his penis up to my mouth and makes give him oral sex. I started gagging and he presses the knife harder to my face and tells me if I bite him he was going to cut me. I tried so hard not to throw up but I couldn’t do it anymore. I can feel the knife cutting my cheek and his finished. I didn’t move, my body went numb and I feel him flip me over and his penis is near my butt and I laid there. I couldn’t see anything all I felt was a sharp pain and the tearing I felt. I screamed into the pillow but he didn’t care. He’s pushing my head into the pillow and I felt him ejaculate inside me.

I open my eyes and stare at the wall thinking that it’s over. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I turn over and all I see is blood on the sheets and he’s standing up putting on a condom. I can still see the knife and didn’t move. Frank raped me he raped me for an hour and I saw that tattoo on his back I stared at it the whole time. He keeps telling me stop moving, he asks me if I like it, how it feels. He leaned in to kiss me and I didn’t kiss him back. He’s finished and pulls out and tells me the condom came off.

That’s when reality hits me and I start to freak out because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I went to the bathroom and pulled it out. I sat on the toilet and cried. My hair was matted down and tangled, my face had a cut on it, my makeup was smeared and I could smell him coming off my skin. The dried up blood and semen wouldn’t come off with a paper towel. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know what to do, I was embarrassed and scared.

I came out the bathroom and he’s standing near the window smoking as if nothing happened. I tell him I’m ready to go home. Frank tried to hold my hand on the way home. I was shaking the whole time and he looks at me and asks me what’s wrong? Why was I shaking like that?

I had to call my best friend and convince her to pick me up at a restaurant because Frank couldn’t take me home. My parents had forbid Frank to coming to my house. She came and picked me up and asked what happened to me and I said nothing we just fooled around. She asked me if we had sex and I said no.

I got home at 7:30pm that night. I could barely walk up the steps. I went into my bed room, pealed my clothes off of me, threw everything in the trash and put on stripped pj's from old navy. I sat outside for an hour, went back in the house and lay in bed. I didn’t do anything that weekend. When I had to go back to school Monday, walking was painful and sitting down was worse.

I covered up my scar with foundation and I kept wearing foundation to cover it up until last month. That scar is still on my face. I had to take my senior pictures with that and my mom wouldn’t let me put the foundation on that day.

My period was late 3 weeks later. I was scared and freaked out and end up telling my mom that I was raped, but I told her that I didn’t know who did it and that I might be pregnant. They still blamed me for walking out the house in a skirt but at least I didn’t get pregnant the first time.