Sunday, May 6, 2012

Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart , for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels.

All of those movies you see on TV about how rape victims behave after they are raped aren’t true. They send out a false image of security as if everything becomes normal again after the attack, like it’s so easy to transition back to life after it happens.

The reality of it is it’s the worst thing in the world to have happen to you. But compared to the physical attack, the emotional and mental battle is so much worse and painful because you can see those scars but you feel them everyday.

Survivors go through the daunting task of trying to find themselves again, they struggle with having the right support there for the healing process as well as if they don’t haven’t support. Dealing with family member who don’t understand or blame you for the attack often makes the recovery harder and longer.

We have fought to stay alive during the attack and now we’re fighting just to keep our mind, souls and spit intact.

Some days it’s easier than others. Then you have days when you just want to give up because the fight is too hard and you feel like you’re always losing.

Virgins who are raped often have no sense of sexuality when compared to a non-virgin (I’m not saying one attack is worse than the other but the affect are different when the woman was a virgin at the time of the attack). When a virgin is raped because they have no sexual experience to compare it to, then the only thing they have is the rape and that’s something that is hard to deal with for anyone.

My struggles is that I was raped as a virgin. I had no sexual experience to compare what sex is suppose to feel like. Someone took such an intimate part of me that it is still harming me to this day. 

One thing he told me that bother me(because it is absolutely true) is “you have to think about weather or not you can handle it. You have to think about weather you can handle it before during and afterwards”. it hurt me because it’s true.  My body is feeling the physicality of it but my mind sometimes does the exact opposite which brought on the panic attacks and flashbacks.

It’s such a long process when it comes to sex. I hate the fact that I have to think about weather my anxiety was high earlier in the day, or if I saw or heard something that reminded me of the attack, or if I do have a flashback that day, being intimate is much harder and more frustrating. I shouldn’t have to have a check list to go through just because some animals decide to take what wasn’t theirs.

I know the flashbacks aren’t my fault and neither are the panic attacks. I feel like it is my fault because I’m the one dealing with them; I’m the one who is suffering. As a wife I feel like a failure because I cant be with him. And the thing is it’s all because of another man and that makes me feel ashamed.

I’m just so angry that I cant get that part of me back again. I’m angry because it feels like all those years of hard work I’ve been doing has been erased and I have to stat all over again……