Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wish that I can take the pain. This pain and suffering out of your life. Now I'm here in memories of how things how used to be, Can't hold these tears from falling from my eyes. Can't hold this hurting inside. It's gonna be hard, God take my heart 'Cause I don't want it anyway. I don't think that I can take, Feeling this hurt, I'm feeling the worst. Lord give me one more chance, Let me do all I can, 'Cause I don't wanna say Goodbye...

I’m tired and I just want to cry. It’s been a bad day and even worse year. I can’t say how much I miss my dad right now. I’m just so exhausted and tired of crying over it. I’m tired of crying knowing that he’s still suffering, I’m tired of crying about how he’s not here anymore, I’m tired of crying over he will never hug me again and it hurts just a little bit more than heartbreak.

I haven’t really been feeling too good all day, tomorrow is thanksgiving and he’s not here. He’s not here bugging me about what I’m cooking; I miss him telling me to find out what time Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is coming on. It came on today and I had it set for auto tune to watch but I couldn’t watch it by myself, I tried, I cried.

I’m trying to be strong but it just feels like every time I feel ok and I accept it, it’s like being shot in the stomach again and reality sets in. some days I think that he’s just on a really long vacation and then I walk by the living room and see his jacket and I want to put it on but I don’t want to forget what he smells like. I’m starting to forget what his smile looked like so I try to look at pictures but that only makes me cry harder and I feel sad instead of happy. I had forgotten what my dad sounded like until I forgot that I had a video of him singing Oh Christmas tree to our tree. I’m so happy that I found that video, it’s the last thing that I have left of him.

It’s such a depressing and lonely feeling. Some days I want to lie in bed and just cry until I feel better instead of pushing myself to stay up all night trying to relax so that I can cry. I’m just tired and I miss my dad more than I can even being to explain………….

I wish that you were here to celebrate together I wish that we could spend the holidays together, I remember when you used to tuck me in at night With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight. I thought you were so strong you’d make it through whatever, it’s so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this, and everyday life goes on like, “I wish I could talk to you for a while". Miss you but I try not to cry, as time goes by…….

The holidays are coming up and I’m feeling beyond sad right now. I have a lot going on with me right now. The new job is wonderful and I love it, I’m just so glad that I’m back to working again. On another note, my “brother” moved back in and were moving out. I have officially divorced my “mother”, “Sister” and “brother”. I don’t have any negative feelings at all because I really don’t care what they do anymore. Especially since you let a child molester move into the house with your granddaughter/ niece and apparently don’t have a problem with it I’m done. They are doing the things that my father didn’t want them to do and they know it. And then my “sister has the nerve to talk about our dad. So when was he our dad when you and mom decided to lie to our faces about taking him off of life support and blaming the facility? They are so full of shit that I’m just done with all of them. 

I used to wish that my mother had died instead of my father but as much as it hurts I’m kind of glad it happened this way.  My dad was the only reason why I stayed in the county and even stayed in the house because I didn’t want to leave him alone with my mother. And now it seems like now I have no reason to be here anymore. I don’t want to be around anyone who is blood related to me but my daughter. It just seems like everyone else has been infected by my Narcissistic “mother” and “sister”. This whole situation just has me thinking a lot lately. I’m starting to see that I was just a pawn in their game and that they don’t really give a damn about my daughter because if they really did, her son wouldn’t be living in the basement right now. 

The allegations against him was when he was a teenager but the whole looking at child porn incident thing I saw myself and it just makes me so uneasy and disgusted with him and more of my “mother” and “sister” to even allow it to happen. My father kicked him out the house and told us in front of him that he wasn’t allowed to live in the house ever again because of it and now look what happens.
It also has me thinking of the day that we were supposed to take my dad off of life support. We went in and my “mother” and “sister” tried to tell me that the facility had messed up and scheduled an appointment for finical aid instead of with the doctors to take him off of life support. I foolishly believed them thinking that they wouldn’t pull some shit like this but it just never made sense to me why that morning my “mother” was bringing the papers that she brought with her last time we saw the finical aid people. Her response was oh I’m bringing it just in case. In the bottom of my stomach I felt like I was going to throw up because I knew she was lying and I knew they weren’t going to take him off. As much as my dad cussed us out saying that he never wanted to be on life support, how he doesn’t want to live like this and it’s going on 9 months now. But now he’s off of life support but still on the feeding tube, he’s in a vegetative state with no brain function at all and heavily medicated and can’t move. Who wants to live like that? And yet they are walking around like nothing’s wrong. She’s telling everyone that he’s doing fine and talking about rehab. Am I stupid or can someone please explain to me how the fuck you rehabilitate someone who’s in a vegetative state?

I’m just sick and tired of dealing with them. I’m so much healthier without them in my life. I just really miss my dad a lot and the holidays are making it so much harder…..