Friday, August 31, 2012

Radiation can’t fix my cancer I get blamed for my cancer I’m ashamed of my caner And I wish my cancer would Hurry up and kill my mind Since my body had already Been destroyed


I was in school with him from
Day one until graduation
He was there even when his presence
Wasn’t known.

Because they hurt me, he touched
Me, they forced me and it felt
Like my spirit was stolen from
My body.

So many times I wished there was
Someone out there like me.

Because it kills me to pour
My soul out on a piece of paper.
It silences me to try to tell a
Story that most people will ignored
But that one person will speak up
And not voice anything

©Golden Rays

Virgin Mary

I cried tears of blood last night
And no one cared why

I screamed at the top of my
Lungs last night and no one
Heard my cries.

I sat alone thinking why was i
So stupid. I opened up and was
Gutted like a fish.

I’m still holding on, still fighting
For her, for me, for you.

And no one still knows why….

©Golden Rays

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines tell us it is a public health epidemic, with one in four girls and one in six boys being victimized before age 18. Pennsylvania alone has more than 3.1million victims. Nationally, it is more than 49 million. A child today has a greater chance of being sexually abused than of being in an automobile accident or breaking a bone.

Honestly sometimes I really don’t know why I even bother doing this crap anymore. Some days I wonder why the hell am I wasting my time writing and posting and spreading the word on something that people just close their eyes to. Some days I feel like just being normal. Waking up one day without having to check my schedule to make sure I don’t miss my therapy secessions. I cry about why I’m wasting energy writing in this blog.

My feelings are hurt. I’m feeling really emotional right now. I just understand how and why so many people ignore what’s going on. Especially those who I thought were close to me, who I thought were a part of my support system. I think that the more I open up my mouth and talk about it, the more people I push away and I think that’s what hurts. Like everyone expects me to be quiet about it and not say anything without regards to my feelings. But then again if I can push you away that easily by speaking the truth, then you weren’t a real friend or a support system to begin with.

I don’t want to deal with this anymore. The only advantage to speaking out and saying something is that maybe someone else will listen to you. Maybe you can help another victim get through the process or even educate someone who didn’t know anything about the topic. I do wish a lot of times that I hadn’t said anything, that I only told on person and that my family and friends never knew. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people (especially my family) by speaking out. I don’t know if the pros really do outweigh the cons especially when you have nothing to show for it.

I’m drained emotionally; it takes a toll on me. I just keep fighting and I keep getting knocked back down and I can feel my inner demons trying to come back and find me. This is how being raped made me feel. I felt like I was to blame. I was the one who had a drink, I agreed to go out with him and according to society, and I played a part in my own rape. According to them, I should not have had a drink with him, I should not have went out with him, I should not have been lying in bed with my boyfriend because everyone knows that’s how you get raped, by cuddling in the bed with your boyfriend. Damn now if that’s how you cause your own rape to happen then that would mean that every married woman has been raped because before she was married she did lay in bed with her husband cuddling………

How much logical sense does this make? I’m really starting to grasp the concept of there’s no one in this world to protect us but us. There’s no written law to officially protect any victim of rape from being raped. Hell a man can still rape his wife here and not go to jail because she’s his property.

For the past 20 years I’ve had different men had control over my body. I’m just now getting back the feeling that no one can control my body but me. That no one has the rights to my body but me and now some pathetic excuse for a man wants to tell me that if I get raped and get pregnant I have to carry my rapist baby? That if a 13 year old girl gets pregnant by her father, uncle, brother she has to have their child. That there’s no way a woman can get pregnant from a legitimate rape because a woman’s body has a way of shutting the whole thing down. A man is telling me that if I’m not forced down and don’t have any bruises it’s not rape. That if I don’t say no, it’s not rape. That if a 34 year old man has sex with a 17 year old girl that it’s not rape because the age of consent is 16 and 17 is legal and statutory rape applies to 15 and younger.

I’m pissed off and angry. This is really happening people; I don’t want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my own body. It’s none of their damn business and they need to butt out.

Talking about it doesn’t hurt, it’s the rejection, the victim blaming, the talks, the politics, the ignorant comments, stares and snares that you face every day that hurt. I’d rather quit and do something a lot less stressful but then I think about how I was feeling when I was looking for someone to turn to. I had searched the web up and down looking for another black woman I could talk to about being raped and about being molested and for years I couldn’t find one or a website of one who is openly talking about it.

I think about my daughter. I’ve been raped enough times so that she shouldn’t have to go through what I’m going through. Everything is out in the open and up front. Everyone’s feelings are on the table and no one is looking down to see them. It’s like that big pink elephant in the room that everyone’s ignoring. I do understand it’s a sensitive and still a taboo subject to talk about BUT ITS REAL. It happens all the time, every day, minute and second of the hour.

Closing your eyes and turning your head does not stop that woman from being raped

Thursday, August 30, 2012

And it isn't just about you and the way your body responded either. It may also have been one of the repertoires of dirty tricks rapists use to get their victims to feel responsible. Diana Russell writes that "Some rapists think they're lovers" and tells us:(These rapists) think that if a woman is stimulated in 'just the right way' she will enjoy it. The conquest may seem more important if the rapist believes he has turned the woman on physically, particularly if it is against her will. Getting the victim to respond physically may also alleviate the rapist's guilt feelings.

I feel so disgusting right now. I don’t really know what’s going on with me or even how it happened but I feel like I’m having a minor setback. Through everything I’ve been through the past 2 weeks I’ve made such good progress with deal with panic attacks and flash backs and the anxiety.

When Banky raped me we were kissing and I let him perform oral sex on me which was so disgusting. He had finished smoking before he did it and to this day I’m not too sure what he was smoking but when he performed oral on me it burned really bad. It was painful even when I had to have the rape kit performed. So to this day oral sex is a really sensitive subject for me but  I am comfortable with it as long as I’m calm and relaxed.

About an hour later my anxiety goes up and I feel like I’m losing control over my emotions. I wanted to crawl in a hole and just cry my eyes out. The first thing I felt was Justin’s fingers inside me, after I dealt with that feeling the next thing I felt was Banky performing oral sex and then Frank holding me down and raping me. I dealt with the flashbacks and didn’t freak out but it felt like it just kept going around in a circle and wouldn’t stop.

Like my body felt like it was being violated over and over again and I can feel them touching and grabbing and I smelt every sent and my body just feels so worn out. I couldn’t even lay down in my own bed by my husband and feel comfortable. I felt like my body was betraying me and I couldn’t control it. My vagina and anal area is still throbbing and I just feel so disgusting and dirty and tainted. I know that I not but that’s how I’m feeling. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, I just want to peel it off my body and find a new skin, something that’s not so dirty.

A hot bath would feel wonderful but I just feel so nauseous and so out of control. I just want to be able to relax. I feel disgusting because while I was being raped I was wet, I didn’t have any control over it and I know that it’s nothing that I did but it just feels so bad……..

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Making love, having sex, being intimate. Whatever you call it, it can be a wonderful thing. Don't let rape rob you of the chance to have genuine happiness in your life. Choose to reclaim your sexuality, without abusing it yourself, and move on with your life. Be happy, take time to love yourself, stay safe.

“Rape is about having your choices taken away. Being intimate with your partner is something you can choose to do or choose not to do. You can ask your partner to stop and he/she would stop. You may find that some positions may now seem frightening to you and you may feel you want to use positions where you feel more in control over what is happening. If you are with someone who cares about you, loves you, respects you that is entirely different from a man who is abusing you, who has no care or respect for you.”

So I’ve made some progress. After the break down last week I had let go of a lot of things I was holding on to. Like the rapes, abuse and being molested. When Justin molested me it took away my childhood innocence. I had lost that special place that no one was supposed to touch and I knew that no one was supposed to touch me there. But ever since Justin started to molest me, my privates would always hurt and I couldn’t explain it. After I had my daughter( I have a vaginal birth) I tore and needed stitched for the second time(I had stitches from a rape years ago) and I remember laying in the hospital on my side crying because my anal area had hurt so bad. It wasn’t from the stitches per se but I kept feeling like someone had put something in my rectum and I couldn’t get it out. It didn’t hit me until earlier this week that I was having body memories of Justin putting his finger in my rectum when I was 5. I never really understood that everything was connected to each other as far as emotions and feelings.

“Separating rape/abuse and sex
It is important to learn to separate rape/abuse and sex. Healthy sex is nothing like the violation you experienced, and in working on your sexual healing and rediscovering your likes and dislikes; you can learn to differentiate the two. The actual acts may be the same, but that is where the similarities end.

This task can become complicated, as many non-survivors connect rape and sex, so their perceptions become skewed. Survivors may worry that others are judging them for wanting to become sexually active, or that the assault must not have been “that bad” if they are able to enjoy sex again. Some people may even openly question a survivor’s desire to engage in sex after rape or abuse. As difficult and wounding as these types of comments can be, it is important not to let them interfere with your own views and desires. You are entitled to healthy sex, and no one can tell you how to feel.”

When it came to sex, I always felt dirty and nasty. I felt like I wasn’t deserving of anything but pain because that’s the only thing I was used to. After being raped and abused for so long, it’s so hard to get used to being treated with respect. I had no emotional connection with the act of sex but pain and Frank along with Banky and the other men. It’s a hard concept to grasp, knowing that you have the right to your body and no one else does. It was hard for me to accept that I can say no to sex now. That I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to.  The Vaginismus makes it that much more difficult, especially when you do want to be intimate because the anxiety and fear of sex made my body go on danger mode and my vagina would close up.

So this is where my journey begins. I had to take back what Justin, Frank and Banky took from me. I am so determined to thrive from this instead of bouncing between victim and survivor. Right now I’m in Sex Therapy and working around the issues that makes me so anxious about sex. It’s going really well so far. I understand how my body is connected to my past but also to my mind.

I went and bough Ben Wa Balls for kegel exercises and so far its helping me relaxes a lot more. Ummmm…………. Sexually I feel so free right now. I don’t feel like I’m being pressured to do anything I’m way more open about what I want and what I like and what I’m willing to try. It’s like I have control over my body and I don’t feel like it’s in danger anymore.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Omg I’m craving Chinese food so bad right now but anyways I just need to vent right now. It’s nothing in particular; my real post will be made on Thursday or even Wednesday. But I had a break down Saturday night/ Sunday morning. It started when I was in the kitchen and then I came into my room and everything just hit me. I had laid down to try and get some sleep but couldn’t so I got back up and went outside to relax.

I was sitting in our porch chairs and was just looking at my dad’s car and got really mad, infect I was pissed off to the point I wanted to blow the house up. The anger had turned to pain and then it turned to tears and that’s when I couldn’t hold on anymore. I sat there and cried so loud I thought the whole neighborhood could hear me. I sat outside for 2 hours crying and talking and confessing and crying some more. I really don’t know what happened that day but it was different from any other type of break down I’ve ever had. It felt like something was being pulled out of my body when I was talking and crying. I had talked to God again for the first time in about 10 years. I talked to him and he talked back to me. I had talked to my dad and told him how sorry I was and that I’m trying to fix everything I messed up. He forgave me and told me it was ok to let him go and that everything was going to be ok. After I had talked to my dad God told me to have one last cry and that’s when I went into the house, layed down and put on my dad’s play list and cried. But it wasn’t a bad cry, it was a relieving cry. While I was crying I wasn’t feeling any pain because there was none left inside me. The pain from the rapes, molestations, and abusive men even the pain from my family turning their backs on me left. I had no feelings towards my mother but feeling sorry for her.

It was a really scary thing for me. I’m typing right now and I really doubt that I will pick up another book on Narcissists unless it’s about leaving them and healing. It’s like I don’t care why she did the things she did to me it’s in the past and I’ve hit my letting go point. I will always keep that information in my head to protect myself but I’m done wasting energy on her. She’s just not worth it anymore and neither are the people who hurt me and don’t care. I forgave Banky, Frank, Justin and the two people (who I don’t know their names because I was unconscious) who have hurt me. I believe that if I continue to call them my rapist or the boy who molested me then they are still holding power over me. And those days are long gone.

I wasn’t living as a survivor before; I was a victim trying to survive. I had let everything that happened to me take control of my life and my mind. And that was my fault, not anyone else’s. I had stayed being a victim because I was scared, I was scared to live because for so long I had to deal with the pain and that’s all I knew, and that’s all I was used to. But after a while that life eats you up to the point you’re breaking down and you’ve hit your rock bottom. Which isn’t always a bad thing. My rock bottom helped me to realize and understand that I have to be responsible for my own actions, that I can’t control other people’s actions or responses. That no matter what anyone else says to me, it’s up to me on how I react to their ignorance. And I’m seeing this now especially with my mother. Ever since the break down she’s been doing things around the house just to see if she could get a reaction to me. And she hasn’t yet, so now she’s being nice to me and the only thing I can feel for her is sorrow. I really do feel bad for her but that’s not my problem so I’ve just been smiling lately.

Ever since it happened I feel wonderful. I feel so free and it feels like a bourdon has been lifted off my chest and heart. Before I had the breakdown I wanted to kill myself because my dad was dying. I kept listening to songs that I knew would make me cry because I couldn’t figure out another way to get the hurt out. I was grieving but I was letting the grief control my life and that’s why I’m at my bottom now but it does feel good to have the chance to build myself back up the right way.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

There is a terrible pain in knowing that you never had the chance to know sex without it being coloured by your experience of rape. Intimacy can always feel as though it is tainted by this first terrible experience and for some it can be difficult to separate sex from violence.

I just get so mad at myself when it comes to therapy and my reactions because I just feel like that I should have finished therapy years ago. I feel as though right now I’m my life I’m wasting so much time trying to fix myself when I should be enjoying my family and life. It’s almost a heartbreaking feeling, it’s a lost feeling that I feel about it. However mad I get at myself for not doing this earlier, I can’t say that the end result would have been the same. If I would have gotten the help I’m getting now when I was 18 I might not have my daughter or husband in my life, and for that I wouldn’t change anything in the world.

“An added problem may arise when a survivor is the one to initiate sex. A caring partner may worry about triggering you, and leave it to you to initiate sex when you are ready. This can make the survivor uncomfortable if they constantly feel as though they are asking for sex. If this is the case, try talking to your partner. It is likely that they are struggling with feelings of their own, or are trying to let you take the lead.”

As I’m writing this, I keep trying to hold back the tears because I shouldn’t be going through this right now. It’s not normal at all, the one thing you’re supposed to have total control over is your breathing, your brain and who you choose to have sexual contact with. I’m really just really pissed off that I even had to create this blog in the first place. What’s done is done but it’s still hurting me and I’m still working on it so that I can be happy and healthy.

“Survivors may feel guilt because they are unsure of their true motives or reasons for wanting sex, and so they struggle with knowing whether or not they are truly engaging in healthy sex. It is common for survivors of sexual violence to use sex to distract themselves, punish themselves, or even as a way to re-live their assault. These types of reactions are normal, and you are not alone. If you are unsure of whether you are using unhealthy ways to cope, consider asking yourself the following questions:

How do I feel before sex?

How do I feel after sex?

Why am I choosing to have sex?

Do I enjoy myself when I am having sex?

Would I change anything about my sexual encounters?”

After I was raped when I was 16, I never wanted sex, at all. I was one of those women who would be happy never having any form or intercourse in their lives. It’s a really sad thought and reality, knowing that you had been so hurt by someone else’s choice that you wanted nothing to do with your own body. When I did have sex with my ex-husband(we were married at the time) I never felt anything emotional but guilt. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was ok but I had no emotional connection to the act its self. I knew something was wrong when I started feeling bad and dirty after we had sex. (That had nothing to do with him, it was me and my past and my feelings)

“I couldn’t have sex unless I was drunk or high. I would feel too out of control and triggered. The alcohol and drugs numbed that all out and gave me a kind of confidence. I had a lot of sex that I wouldn’t really want to have today though.—Lourdes Healing Sex, A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines”

And I had to be a little bit tipsy or have one drink in me before we did anything. It’s like all the feelings and emotions from the rape and abuse just took over me and the only way I could be with him was when I did have a drink.

“Those who lose their virginity to rape often find that one of the hardest aspects of the aftermath is finding a way to reclaim their sexuality. How can you reclaim something if you never knew what it was like to begin with? Having such a negative first experience can mean that you do not get the opportunity to know your body as your own. It can also really distort your view of sex in general.”

Because I was raped as a virgin I feel like total crap. I feel like an idiot and I actually wish that I would have had sex before I was raped. I would have had it something to compare it to. No sex after you’ve been raped will never be the same as before but they know how it feels to have consensual sex, I don’t. I do know but because of all the crap I’ve been through and the end results it only hurts even worse. I don’t have my own sexuality yet even though I’m working on finding it. Ugh one time my thoughts on sex were so bad that I didn’t like my body. I still don’t like my vagina but I’m starting to love the rest of me now.

The Vaginismus doesn’t help either. Because of the trauma from the rapes and abuse it’s what I have now. It’s when penetration is very painful and intercourse is almost impossible or too much to bear. Your PC muscles will clinch and you have no control over it.

I try to hold back my tears every night from everything I’m dealing with. I don’t have time for myself so I don’t really have any place to put the emotions I’m feeling unless it’s the quick 30 minutes between naps, showers or cooking. I feel like I’m at rock bottom but about to crash head on with no one to catch me. I feel so damaged from my family, my past and who I am now that I’ve been working on all of them at the same time, hoping ateast one will be fixed.

I cut myself last week. The next morning I did it, I didn’t notice but I was in the bath tub crying my eyes out over all the shit I’ve done, the mistakes what I haven’t done and I got so depressed and lonely that I had to cut. The last time I cut was in 2003 after I was raped (when I started drinking to numb the pain). I looked down at my arm (this was before I realized I had cut on purpose) and was trying to figure out when I got this odd cut from (it was vertical on the vain on my arm but further down). Usually when I get cuts (natural ones) it’s always on the side or at an angle or weird shape. That day I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I noticed that the blade was taken off my razor and I knew what what hppend then. I don’t even remember all of it. That’s how I knew something is wrong right now cause I haven’t had thoughts of dying since after my daughter was born(because of PPD and me not eating is what my doctor said) . But all I could remember was how much I wanted to die because of how much pain I’m in and how no one was paying attention and didn’t care.

I’m just beyond exhausted; I’ve been getting 2 hours of sleep every night for the past 3 weeks. My dad’s birthday is Monday and next Monday we take him off of life support. I’m just so emotionally drained that my body is starting to react to it. But this week I will be meditation, yoga and blogging at least 3 times a week………….

I just had to get this off my chest

Saturday, August 11, 2012

It is important to note that Vaginismus is not triggered deliberately or intentionally by women. Vaginismus has a variety of causes, often in response to a combination of physical or emotional factors. Despite the fact that Vaginismus is involuntary and can strike any woman, many women feel intense shame from being unable to have intercourse and keep their pain private, feeling uncomfortable sharing their secret with anyone.

Its 4am and I can’t sleep at all. I’ve had Vaginismus since I was 19 from multiple assaults. It’s always bothered me to the point my anxiety goes through the roof and I start having panic attacks from thoughts about the rapes. Things have gotten a little better but I feel like the stress from my life, therapy, dealing with my dad dying and trying to be a mom are messing with me emotionally. I started getting really emotional about this last week. The stress is getting so bad now that for the past two months I’ve been having my period a week earlier. Like I can feel my body getting weaker every day. I don’t have an appetite anymore; I’m restless when I try to get to sleep but most nights I only get 2 to 4 hours.

So when I usually have my period I use tampons and I think it might just be my nerves but they hurt when I put them in and I can feel them inside me and I start to freak out and remember how it felt when I was raped. Then I feel dirty I still feel bad. I get antsy and nervous and just feel like breaking down and crying.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, rape, or sexual assault often have to see their abusers after their attacks. Sexual violence is frequently committed by people we know—within our family, school, work, church, or any other community environment. However we know our abusers, we cannot always avoid interacting with them.

So I’m at home and watching TV with my daughter, my ex-husband is outside  and he comes back in and asks me who J is (I’m not going to post his whole name) and I ask him what does he look like. So he tells me
What he looks like and that he was looking for my mom. It was the boy who molested me and other kids in my neighborhood when I was 5. My whole body froze and I felt like I had to throw up. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a feeling like that before

Like I really do feel so sick to my stomach. In that short period of time when my husband said my name I was hoping that it was my best friend that I went to school with because they both have the same first name. Like I really don’t know how I’m feeling but my anxiety is up and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Everything that he did to me flashed back in my head and I froze. I felt like I had stopped breathing and the only thing I kept saying to my husband was I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll tell you later. He handled it but I guess fear just over took my body and I’m just still in shock. My anxiety is high, my hands are still shaking and then I thought about my daughter and how innocent she is and how I would never want her to go through what I’m dealing with right now.

I just had to get that out, I couldn’t hold on to it anymore….

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

 You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.

I’m just so exhausted right now. I’m working on day 2 with only 4 hours of sleep so I’m going to try and get to bed a little earlier so that I can get some rest for my mommy and daughter day tomorrow.

So I changed the look of my blogger. I had accepted that what was on my page I didn’t like and it didn’t really show how I was really feeling or who I really am. I love the pink that’s on my blog, and the coach and all the preppy girly things because that’s who I am, no matter how much I try to hide it. It’s me….

And I accept me for who I am….