We moved last night. So I’m
a little closer to my job now. I don’t know how I’m feeling about this really. I’m
so beyond grateful that we do have friends that we can stay with but I swear it
feels like I’m going from one dysfunctional house to the next. I think the most
horrible feeling I’m having is not having a place to call home for my daughter.
No permanent place for her to stay. The next move me and her will be making
will be permeate.
I had a home before I my
dad got sick. I miss that home so much. It’s like a home sick feeling
especially since I couldn’t even take pictures of my dad with me. I still have
one on my jewelry box that he gave me for my birthday. My mom was so pissed off
at him when he bought it for me, then she got really mad when he said he was
going to buy me some real jewelry to put in it. She must have put the fear of
god in him because it never happened.
I wasn’t the person in
the picture anymore. My eyes were so happy then: I was confident without
feeling the effects of what happened to me. I don’t know what happened between
then and now. I don’t know how it all came out but I’m feeling everything now.
My eyes look so sad all the time. I try to hide all the time. I put mascara on,
make up, a little shimmer to bring out the sparkle in my eyes fooling everyone
else but when I look in the mirror I’m the only person who knows the truth.
It’s sad and hurtful
looking back on pictures knowing that what someone else did to you could affect
your life so much and so fast. I just want to have that happiness I had 10
years ago before all this pain hit me.
I wanted to die last
night. I was in the bathroom and I got angry because had to move because of the
fucked up family I was born into. I wanted to cut last night so bad. The razors
were under the cabinet and I had to talk myself down from cutting. The pain was
just too much. I haven’t talked to Ali in two weeks and I just have a lot of
things going on. I’m on my period and its only making everything else worse to
handle.
I’m just going to try and
take a deep breath: relax and take it one day at a time. My daughter is my
motivation. I have to make it for her. She makes me happy and I won’t let her
go through what I’m going through.