Tuesday, November 27, 2012

But a mother without compassion, who fails to forge a bond with her daughter, provides for that daughter only when it is in the mothers best interest. Her daughter thus learns that she can’t depend on her mother. She grows up apprehensive, worried about abandonment, expecting deceit at every turn.

Therapy is getting harder and harder every day, but not in a negative way. The more I get into it, the more that it uncovers and I have to face it head on. all the things that I have been avoiding for the past 10 years, everything I’ve been trying to sugar coat so that I can feel better, my own personal issues and problems and things that I’ve swept under the rug to survive I’m facing right now. It’s not a bad thing at all; actually it’s kind of like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days but the good days are becoming so much better than the bad ones.

Since divorcing my family I feel free. Like I have no ties to them, they can’t hurt me anymore, especially my “mother”. I’ve took my power back. This whole time I thought I was supposed to take care of her, I felt like the mother until one day I started cooking for just me, and my daughter. I had gotten tired of feeling unappreciated. I would clean up after everyone, and cook 4 course meals every day and i was the only one eating it. One day I just cooked for me  and she came up to me and was like whens dinner ready. I said I don’t cook for everybody anymore because no one eats it. The food I cooked all last week is still sitting in the refrigerator. (By then I had stopped cooking for everyone for at least a week and she didn’t even notice.) Without a second thought, she went up to my “sister” and asked her to cook her dinner. (She went in there and cooked her dinner like she was her slave, my mother just sat there on her ass like a queen on her throne).  It was like no matter what I did or how hard I tried to make her happy or love me, I couldn’t force her to do it. And that’s when the hurt began. But the truth also started to come out also. I had opened my eyes up to her and realized that she doesn’t give a damn about me or anyone else; she only cares what you can do for her. She will die that way too. I’ve already accepted it and that’s ok. I’m an adult now; I don’t have to answer to her. I still respect her until the day she dies, and along with that respect comes my right to divorce my mother and my family.

Yes I said it and I don’t care what anyone feels about it. You don’t live my life, you don’t live in the same house as me and no one will ever understand it unless they have dealt with a Narcissist before. Growing up wasn’t physically abusive as it was more emotional abuse from my mother. I will still never understand why you would tell a 5 year old that you’ll cut off her hair if she flips it again. My “mother” is not a mother. Any woman can have a kid, it takes a real woman to have a connection with that child and want them to succeed in the world. It’s always some half ass excuses with her when you confront her, or shell twist your words and pretend like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. If you get the best of her one time, shell go back and tell everyone you both know how much you hurt her and how she doesn’t understand why you don’t love her when its actually her that hurt and betrayed you.

And the funny thing is, it’s not like I never tried having a relationship with my mother, I tried up until this year and I got sick of her shit. In high school I wrote her letters telling her what was going on with me and what was bothering me and how I needed her. She never responded back, the conversations that we had, she ignored and changed the subject and tried to blame me for her own actions. Or my favorite apology of hers is “if I hurt your feelings then I’m sorry”. I’m telling you that you hurt me so why can’t you say I’m sorry that I hurt you and leave it at that. Every excuse you make after that defeats the purpose of even apologizing. If my daughter keeps coming to me saying she hurt and she needs you there and that I was hurting her feelings but not accepting her then I would stop what I was doing to try and fix the problem.

 This year I even told her why I was upset and the things she did, like leaving the hospital and not being there for me after I was raped and apparently according to her it’s my fault that she doesn’t want to sit in the hospital all night. And of course my Narcissistic sister took my mother’s side saying how when I was in high school I had this attitude that I can do it by myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help. Geez………I wonder where I picked that up from, maybe because I had to do it by myself in school as much as a begged for my mother to be there for me she wasn’t. She didn’t feel like going to any of my graduation activities, she sure as shit didn’t want me to pick the activities I wanted to be in like chorus. Because she doesn’t feel like doing all that driving around( Ummmmm……..news flaws, you weren’t the one driving me anywhere dad was while you stayed at home because you didn’t feel like seeing me sing) hell she didn’t want to take me to get tampons but you can make a drug run. HA don’t make me laugh.

I took the blame for every negative thing she’s ever done to me, I made excuses for her so that I could survive knowing that my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She told me to my face she didn’t care if we had a relationship and I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. Still holding on to hope that maybe one day she might change her mind and want to be my mother. And now that I think about it, it’s actually really sad, knowing that my “mother” wants nothing to do with me, only what I can do to make her happy. 

I am jealous of the relationship that my “mother” and “sister” have. It’s like they can talk about anything and she listens. They watch movies together and talk and when I tried to do that with her (after my dad went into the coma) it’s like I was being a bother to her and she ignored me. I now I’m grown but I did feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. You shouldn’t feel that from your own mother. She’s supposed to be there for you but mine was not and never will be. I feel like if I have to kiss her ass and suck up to her and sacrifice my daughter and husband to make her happy then I don’t want to have any relationship with her. It’s like to have a relationship with my mom I have to do what she tells me to do and let her raise my daughter and let her do whatever she wants. That’s not going to happen and I would never call a “woman” like that my “mother”.

As a parent now I understand that parents do make mistakes, they aren’t perfect, they fuck up; I’ve fucked up as a parent too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; the shame comes when you put it on your child instead of on your own actions. Children rely on their parents a lot, especially daughters on their mothers. When you grow up without having that emotional connection with your mother you don’t know who you are as a woman.  You don’t know what you like, you don’t have self-confidence especially if it’s been taken from you by the person who was supposed to protect you and that’s a hurting thing to realize and deal with and try to fix, especially if you realize this when you’re an adult.

It’s like starting all over again from the beginning and learning what you should have known when you were a child. It wasn’t my fault. I sat there and thought about how her childhood was but then I realized that her mother was always there for her whenever she needed it. Because at first I thought she hated me because of her childhood until I realized that she didn’t treat her son or her other daughter how she treats me. Maybe it’s because I look like her, or because I don’t kiss her ass anymore and actually tried to stand up for myself when I was a kid but whatever it was, it started in elementary school and got worse from there. She chooses to act the way she does, no one makes her do it and the fact that she’s aware of what she’s doing only lets me know that it is a conscious choice. 

I’m putting the blame back where it belongs on her. She was the adult, I was the child, you are responsible for how you treated me, not me and not someone else, only you and with that I’m letting go of you.