Monday, December 17, 2012

Things Not to Say to a Survivor of a Sexual Crime Please don't...Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet. Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn to be safe again.

 What I don’t deserve is to be punished for it. It’s like everyone expects me to be happy all the time and I’m not. I cry and its ok, I don’t need anyone else’s permission to fucking cry because I’m hurt. I was molested, I was raped more times than I can count and that hurt me. What happened to me hurt me in ways that most people can every understand it hurt me in ways that I can’t even begin to understand. So I talk about it, that’s my right to do so. I get sad about it, I have that right and personally I’m starting to feel like if me being unhappy because I’m having flashbacks or panic attacks makes you uncomfortable then that’s your fuckin problem not mind. I did not ask to be raped, I did not ask to be molested, I didn’t ask for other people to use and hurt me. I didn’t ask for my family to hurt me or be the way that they are towards me. I cry because I've earn that right to cry whenever the fuck I want to. I've earned the right to be sad whenever the fuck I want to. Over the past 20 years I've earn the right to have a couple of bad fucking days and you or no one else can take that away from me. I have the right to have my emotions and feelings change whenever they do.

 My healing has no damn time limit. I don’t care anymore that I've been dealing with this for 10 years because I realized something; it’s going to take more than 10 years to even begin to fix it. In fact it can’t be fixed; it can only be incorporated in to my life. However long it may take for me to do this it is ok. If anyone ever tells you that you’re taking too long to heal look them dead in their eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves. Tell them that they can tell you how long to take to heal when they’ve been raped, tell them when they can live your life then they can tell you what to do, look them straight in the eyes and tell them to either be by your side or get the fuck out of your life. I wish I would have said that to my ex-husband when he told him how long it’s taking me to heal. Like if that’s not the biggest bullshit I've heard in my life after my dad telling I disappointed him after I was raped. I don’t think people understand how much words really do hurt. And you sit there and repeat those words in your head and try to justify it, you try to make sense of the words but you’re just wasting your time thinking about it because what that person said to you will never make any logical sense. If I could hurry this process along and get better faster don’t you think I would have done it already? Like seriously think about it, who in their right minds want to feel their rapist inside of them every day? Do you really think I want to live the rest of my life this way? Because if you do then you’re sicker than I thought you were.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Maybe the G-Spot that everyone is talking about is not really a spot that produces and orgasm but if your rapist hits that spot your body has a way of shutting the whole thing down….

In light of everyone’s ignorant comments on what happens during a rape and women’s bodies I’d like to make this post of how I truly feel. Maybe I was the idiot who fell asleep during sex Ed but I had no idea that my body could stop itself from being raped. This is like really new to me because if my vagina can actually do that I would have liked to known this when I was raped the first time in High School that way maybe I could have just held on to my virginity a little bit longer.

So since there’s really no new magic button inside my body but the G-Spot I’m guessing that would be my Anti-Rape button that must be activated while I’m being raped right? Or can I not press that button myself? Like does it only work if my rapist is raping me or does he have to do it a certain way? Like does he have to be choking me or does it have to be violent? Do I have to resist in order for my vagina to stop working? Or does it have to get to the point where physical violence has to be involved? If I’m not violently injured during the rape then I’m guessing that I wasn’t actually raped because my vagina didn’t shut it down right?

So what my rapist did to me was violent forceful sex then? Or would it be something like 10th degree rape? You know that rape where you don’t resist because you’re in shock and your body freezes on you and the only thing you can think or doing is making sure that you make it out alive during the rape. It’s the rape where there are no physical scars because the monster who raped you was your boyfriend or your husband, that nice guy who took you out for dinner after telling you how beautiful your eyes looked in that green dress you were wearing.  It’s that 10th degree rape because your body didn’t shut down and even though he threaten to shred your insides apart it doesn’t matter because he didn’t do it and because you have to prove you fought back but which you didn’t because your body could not move.

So what I’m trying to understand is what do I call what happened to me? I had no scars, no cuts no bruises……what would you call what happened to other women? They had no scars, they didn’t fight back, and they didn’t get hit? I call it rape. Not 1st degree, not 3rd degree, I don’t call it non-consensual sex or forceful sex or even sex against your will. I’m fuckin calling it what it is RAPE.

I say this over and over again. If it was your wife, your daughter, your sister, your mother or your grandmother would you really still be this ignorant. Would you say to your wife’s face that it was her fault she got raped because her body couldn’t shut the whole thing down? Would you tell your daughter that it’s her fault she got rape because she didn’t fight back? Would you say to your mothers’ face it’s your fault you got raped because you had a drink in the bar and got drunk? Would you say to your granddaughters face it’s your face you got raped because you had on a skirt and we know that men have no control over their penises and if its walking around in a short skirt then they are asking for whatever attention they deserve to get……….

What the hell happened to respect? What happened to not touching people unless they want to be touched? What the hell is wrong with people now days. I don’t understand how the fuck you can justify how an 11 year old girl gets gang raped by over 20 men and then say she looked older than what she is????? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF SHE WAS WALKING AROUND BUT ASS NAKED, 1 she’s a child, 2 you’re an adult and most importantly NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION. It’s as simple as that. Keep your fucking hands to yourself and leave other people the fuck alone. Damn what is so hard to understand about that damn concept?

Don’t even being to bullshit me around with oh it’s a mental condition shit. No it’s a choice. There are women out there who are willing to sleep with you whenever you want, although it is illegal there is prostitution, you can pay for sex(although I’m not promoting that either) if you like bondage and things like that they have groups for that, they have groups for everything so this I couldn’t find it crap is bullshit. Rape happens because WE LET IT HAPPEN. We are the ones who are blaming the victims instead of the criminals. We are the ones in the victims faces asking them why were you wearing this, why did you go out with him? Why were you drinking? Why was he in your room? Why did you go into his house? BECAUSE I FUCKING FELT LIKE IT. I wanted to wear a nice skirt, I wanted to have one beer at the bar by my god damn self, I wanted to go on a date with you, I wanted to kiss you on my bed, please explain to me where the fuck does any of that give you the god damn right to rape me? OH that’s right it doesn’t.

We need to get our heads out of our own asses and actually look around at what’s happening to us. The United States is starting to turn into 3rd world countries when it comes to women and women’s rights, and victims and victims’ rights(yes men are raped, and molested, and abused, and in abusive relationships too). We have fucking dumb ass ignorant ass judges telling us that women can’t be raped because our bodies have a way of stopping the rape from happening (this is a dumb ass judge who apparently was a prosecutor in the sex crimes unit in Orange County) then had the nerve to say that he gave the case 6 years because that’s what it was worth.

So my rape and the threat towards me to shred my vagina, on top of your ignorant comment about me not being a real rape victim(because I didn’t fight back) and the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case." The years she will suffer will be more than 6 years’ worth of pain, it’s a lifetime sentence for her but he gets off with just 6 years. That’s all were worth is 6 years’ worth of jail time……….

California judicial panel admonishes O.C. judge for rape comments
Judge Derek G. Johnson had said the victim 'didn't put up a fight' and that the sexual attack was 'technical.' The panel called his comments outdated and insensitive.
By Christopher Goffard, Los Angeles Times

December 14, 2012

A longtime Orange County judge who said that a rape victim "didn't put up a fight" and that her sexual assault was only "technical" has been publicly admonished by a state agency that said his remarks seemed outdated, insensitive and possibly biased. The Commission on Judicial Performance said Superior Court Judge Derek G. Johnson's comments breached judicial ethics.

At a sentencing in 2008, Johnson denied a prosecutor's call to impose a 16-year prison term on Metin Gurel, who had been convicted of rape, forcible oral copulation, domestic battery, stalking and making threats against his former live-in girlfriend. On the day he raped her, prosecutors said, Gurel had threatened to mutilate the woman with a heated screwdriver. Johnson imposed a six-year sentence.
"I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something," the judge said, according to documents released Thursday. "If someone doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.

"That tells me that the victim in this case, although she wasn't necessarily willing, she didn't put up a fight," the judge said. The judge, who has been on the Orange County Superior Court since 2000, also declared the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case."

"To treat this case like the rape cases that we all hear about is an insult to victims of rape," the judge said. "I think it's an insult. I think it trivializes a rape." The San Francisco-based Commission on Judicial Performance said Johnson's remarks flew in the face of California law, which does not require proof that a rape victim tried to resist an attack. "In the commission's view, the judge's remarks reflected outdated, biased and insensitive views about sexual assault victims who do not 'put up a fight,' " the agency said in a news release Thursday.

"Such comments cannot help but diminish public confidence and trust in the impartiality of the judiciary. In his response to the commission and at his appearance, Judge Johnson conceded his comments were inappropriate and apologized."
Johnson remains on the bench.
"Neither Judge Johnson nor I will be making comment," said Johnson's attorney, Paul S. Meyer, when reached by phone Thursday. The commission, which is composed of judges, lawyers and members of the public, voted 10 to 0 that Johnson deserved a public admonishment.

The commission said it did not learn of the judge's remarks until May 2012. The OC Weekly published a story on the judge's remarks in 2008

Copyright © 2012, Los Angeles Times

Friday, December 7, 2012

Unfortunately, even if you have got your mind around the trauma, your body has a memory of its own. Many women report having episodes where they involuntarily cringe when a loved one touches them and many more report problems when actually having intercourse. Vaginal dryness, a muscle tensing, or the impression of leaving one's body during sex are all common for somebody who been sexually abused. It is going to take time to get past all of this and an extremely patient partner.

I’m having really bad body memories right now. I don’t really have an appetite anymore, I have to force myself to eat everyday which kind of sucks. I just don’t feel like eating. Like I have this horrible taste in my mouth and I was actually kind of hoping that his Dr. Pepper would take it out but it’s not working.
I’m feeling kind of sad and really emotional and I just want to cry. I wanted to cry on my way to work yesterday. Like my body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me now. It feels like it’s theirs, like I never had my body after I was 6 years old. Someone else was always touching me and hurting me that I don’t even know what my own body feels like. I don’t know what I like to a certain point and it’s really frustrating.

It’s like hands all over my body and I can smell Banky and Frank and it just turns my stomach. I had accidentally put on exclamation perfume (I was wearing it when I was raped and I only wear it around my husband. So I went into work yesterday and my coworkers told me I smelled like a baby and I couldn’t figure out why and I thought it was because of my daughter and her things. I had put on a little bit of lotion on her but it wasn’t that. As soon as I got off from work it clicked in my head and it had triggered me because Franklin used to tell me that all the time when I wore it with him and my stomach just turned over and I just felt so sick and disgusted.

Like it’s to the point right now, with the body memories and how I’m feeling that I don’t want to be touched at all, and it’s been like years since I've felt this strong about it. I don’t want anyone touching me or anyone looking at me. I can feel my senses getting stronger and my body just feels like it’s on aren’t right now and that’s also kind of hard to deal with. Like I can feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up right now.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Cause the only love you knew was neglect and abuse, But it didn’t matter what it was cause it was still love to you. Didn’t matter what he did, Cause he was still kissing and hugging you. Call you bitch, hoe, and slut, But he still rubbing and touching you. And the way that you grew up, This is what loved ones would do.

Ugh………so not feeling good right now. This whole week it feels like my body is off balance. Like I just feel dirty and so violated right now. I hate being on my period, there’s nothing that I like about it especially the bleeding part of it. I feel like there are 1 million hands moving all over my body at the same time. I had just looked down at my nails and almost threw up because I felt so disgusted by them. I wish I had peace of mind right now. My stomach is upset. God I used to hate wearing sanitary napkins when I was in high school. The sight of blood never used to gross me out or anything like that until I met Frank and he would never rape me when I was on my period thank god but he would touch my vagina and it always turned my stomach because I still has the sanitary pad on.

Being on my period just triggers it every time for me and I just want to cry about it. Something natural as having a period every month just makes me disgusted with my own body. I had the same problem after I had my daughter and you bleed 6 weeks after you have a baby and can’t use tampons. Wearing pads then turned my stomach. the only things that were going through my head was how nasty I felt when he kept touching me and I’m just not really feeling anything right now but pain, tears and hurt and I just want it to stop before I go to work. I’m excited about going to work but I just don’t like the way I’m feeling right now………

These women aren’t victims; they are serving their child up in a sexual sacrifice in order to keep their home and their man. The woman, who would not allow her little girl to play with my neighbor, is also no victim. She is the typical person who “doesn’t want to get involved with that kind of thing” and considers the child as the dirty one, and not to be played with.

I can’t wait to move out of here. It makes me sick to my stomach staying here. Every morning I wake up feeling like I’m sick to my stomach. I’m still in school how my NM allowed her son (a pedophile) move into the house with her granddaughter. My daughter is with me 100% always but I still don’t understand any of it.

I've never met such a more selfish person in my life. To choose an adult who you know for sure has done these things over your grandchild. Yeah its official, you were never a mother to begin with, just someone my father had sex with. I don’t believe in putting down people at all but my NM makes me sick.

I now understand that she knew I was being molested and she knew the person who did it. My NS told me last year how both her and NM knew I was molested and they knew the boy who did it. It didn’t click in my head then but it did a couple of weeks ago. I was thinking about how I was acting after it happened. I would cry all the time in school and no one wanted to play with me but the only person who wanted to play with me was the boy who molested me and my teachers made me be nice to him and play with him which only made me cry more in elementary school. I started not doing my homework and not paying attention, I had to go to speech therapy because I couldn’t say certain words after I was molested. They put me in the slower classes because they thought I wasn’t catching on to things, my grades went down a lot and I was having behavior problems so when I would get home from school I was punished.  NM would always ask me what the hell was going on with me, how I need to get my act together or I won’t have any toys for Christmas or I won’t be allowed to play outside with my friends.

Her threats didn’t really do much, she had already threatened to chop off my hair when I was 5 so anything she said after I just ignored. I would take things from my neighbor’s house hoping my mom would ask me if anyone was touching me again but she never did. Then she put me on a diet. I would eat so much in elementary school all the time. I still wasn’t overweight but she thought I was fat and needed to lose weight.

I don’t understand how a child can go up to their mother and tell them what’s wrong with them and what’s bothering them and the mother gives no response back. She never answered my letters I wrote her, she never came to me even after I came to her and tried to talk about it; she just shut me out and basically wiped her hands clean of me. I remember the look on her face when she did it. I was 17 and had already been in the abusive relationship with Frank and had been raped by him more times than I can ever count and she just didn’t give a damn.

She let Justin come over to our house even after she knew he was the one who molested me; she still let him come over and made me play with him. After I was in high school I decided I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I got tired of being forced to play with the boy who hurt me so I stopped. Of course I got cussed out by my mother and father for not playing with him and hurting his feelings. FUCK HIS FEELINGS he hurt my vagina and my butt. I don’t give a fuck about his feelings. NM does give a damn about what happens to me or my daughter, that is so evident now but it’s also the saddest thing ever.

My “mother” wants nothing to do with me unless I bow down to her and make her happy. What child should have to live a life like that? This has me thinking about who I can turn to as a role model (female). I don’t look up to my NM and my father isn’t here anymore but then he sided with her no matter what the situation was. I’m not close to my NS because she’s turned into a younger version of my NM.

My NM didn’t protect me from being molested; she didn’t care what happened to me. And she doesn’t care about her granddaughter. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen (her son moving into the house).  This was my breaking point, everyone has a limit that they can be pushed to and this is it. I made a promise to myself when I got pregnant that I would do everything in my power to prevent my daughter from having to go through what I went through as a child. Like how in the hell could you let a damn pedophile move into your house, start his own business in your basement without a license and have different people in your house that you don’t know all hours of the night?

I’m just so beyond sick of dealing with this bullshit. I never wanted to move back to this fuckin hell hole to begin with and again no one fuckin listened to me when I bitched and cried about it until now. And guess what it’s too late now. No one took me seriously when I said my mother treats me the way she does. 26 years I've been dealing with this shit and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m lonely and I feel like I’m going through this alone. Like everything is piling up just to see how much I can hold at one time. Every night I just feel like crying my eyes out. The lonely feeling that I have, I can’t explain but I feel like I’m walking through this by myself and all I can’t is to be held, for someone to just tell me that everything is going to be ok,  I just want everything to be ok. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this without breaking down. I’m staying strong, I’m trying to be strong but I can’t do it forever. Mentally and emotionally it’s draining the life out of me. It’s a constant battle in fighting on top of everything else that I’m dealing with right now.

I started my period almost a week early because of all the stress. I didn’t pms at all so that whole angry part of me that I usually get out is still inside except now I just feel so emotionally and vulnerable and sensitive. I just feel like I could lay down and cry my eyes out. I’m still missing my dad even more now than ever, I don’t usually get sleep at night because I’m so worried about my daughter and our living situations(moving in January) it’s just a lot that’s going through my head especially with therapy  I do have a lot of my plate right now. I’m just tired……….