Saturday, January 12, 2013
I cried tears of blood last night And no one cared why I screamed at the top of my Lungs last night and no one Heard my cries.
So I think I’m going to start writing in my blog every day now because I started posting my poetry in my new blog every day.
I feel free but alone at the same time. I feel free but scared to say how I’m really feeling and I’m scared that other people won’t want to be around me if they really knew how I really felt…
I’m fighting a war inside my head right now. It’s a war going on between my head and my body and my body is losing really badly. I didn’t realize how fucked up I am mentally until yesterday. I’m not sure if fucked up is the right word to use but it’s just how I feel. Everything that I went through has hurt me in some kind of way for the longest time I was ignoring it, hoping that if I pushed it back far enough I would be normal again. Then I realized that I won’t ever be that woman again.
My mentality is so messed up right now it’s not even funny. My ex-husband triggers me now. I've known him for almost 10 years, he’s never scared me, threaten or even hurt me but he triggers me now. All men trigger me. Yes I look confident on the outside and you can never tell by my interaction with other people but inside it feels like a million bombs going off at the same time. I jump every time he moves, it’s like my whole body just rest itself over again and I have to restart everything again.
Certain things that didn’t trigger me before trigger me now and I don’t really know how to handle it but to keep talking about it. It’s the only thing that helps me. It’s like I’m becoming obsessed with what happened to me and what I went through. It feels like I just want to know the answers to everything so that I can fix it. So that no one else has to go through these things again.
I didn’t sleep too well last night. I kept having flashbacks of Frank and how everything was fine the first year we were together. It just makes me sick to my stomach. That whole year he raped me whenever he had the chance and I didn’t do anything about it. I was 17 and the whole year it hurt every time he did it. A lot of the time I would leave my body and watch from above other times I stared at the ceiling waiting for him to hurry up and finish. The worst was when he would make me look at him while he raped me…..that may be the reason why I could never look at my husband when we were being intimate without having a pic attack, how embarrassing is that.
It’s just so sickening…..I can still taste what his penis taste like and every morning I can taste his semen in my mouth. I never wanted to say that out loud…my stomach hurts again:(