I was sitting in our porch chairs and was just looking at my dad’s car and got really mad, infect I was pissed off to the point I wanted to blow the house up. The anger had turned to pain and then it turned to tears and that’s when I couldn’t hold on anymore. I sat there and cried so loud I thought the whole neighborhood could hear me. I sat outside for 2 hours crying and talking and confessing and crying some more. I really don’t know what happened that day but it was different from any other type of break down I’ve ever had. It felt like something was being pulled out of my body when I was talking and crying. I had talked to God again for the first time in about 10 years. I talked to him and he talked back to me. I had talked to my dad and told him how sorry I was and that I’m trying to fix everything I messed up. He forgave me and told me it was ok to let him go and that everything was going to be ok. After I had talked to my dad God told me to have one last cry and that’s when I went into the house, layed down and put on my dad’s play list and cried. But it wasn’t a bad cry, it was a relieving cry. While I was crying I wasn’t feeling any pain because there was none left inside me. The pain from the rapes, molestations, and abusive men even the pain from my family turning their backs on me left. I had no feelings towards my mother but feeling sorry for her.
It was a really scary thing for me. I’m typing right now and I really doubt that I will pick up another book on Narcissists unless it’s about leaving them and healing. It’s like I don’t care why she did the things she did to me it’s in the past and I’ve hit my letting go point. I will always keep that information in my head to protect myself but I’m done wasting energy on her. She’s just not worth it anymore and neither are the people who hurt me and don’t care. I forgave Banky, Frank, Justin and the two people (who I don’t know their names because I was unconscious) who have hurt me. I believe that if I continue to call them my rapist or the boy who molested me then they are still holding power over me. And those days are long gone.
I wasn’t living as a survivor before; I was a victim trying to survive. I had let everything that happened to me take control of my life and my mind. And that was my fault, not anyone else’s. I had stayed being a victim because I was scared, I was scared to live because for so long I had to deal with the pain and that’s all I knew, and that’s all I was used to. But after a while that life eats you up to the point you’re breaking down and you’ve hit your rock bottom. Which isn’t always a bad thing. My rock bottom helped me to realize and understand that I have to be responsible for my own actions, that I can’t control other people’s actions or responses. That no matter what anyone else says to me, it’s up to me on how I react to their ignorance. And I’m seeing this now especially with my mother. Ever since the break down she’s been doing things around the house just to see if she could get a reaction to me. And she hasn’t yet, so now she’s being nice to me and the only thing I can feel for her is sorrow. I really do feel bad for her but that’s not my problem so I’ve just been smiling lately.
Ever since it happened I feel wonderful. I feel so free and it feels like a bourdon has been lifted off my chest and heart. Before I had the breakdown I wanted to kill myself because my dad was dying. I kept listening to songs that I knew would make me cry because I couldn’t figure out another way to get the hurt out. I was grieving but I was letting the grief control my life and that’s why I’m at my bottom now but it does feel good to have the chance to build myself back up the right way.
