Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Autoerotic - As a result of the physical violence experienced during a rape, the survivors experience many post rape autoerotic (sexual) dysfunctions and fears. Within these are arousal dysfunctions, Vaginismus, dyspareunia, primary, secondary, and situational non-orgasmic, sexual unresponsiveness and premature ejaculation, and less frequent or intense orgasms. Overall, the survivors experience a fear of sex through mental association with the rape.

But I’m just feeling very sensitive and vulnerable and on edge right now. Like so far I love my job and lately I haven’t really been feeling good about it. Like I’ve always been on edge and scared to be around men and at my other job it was mostly women and not that many men but here it’s the opposite. And I’m just so uncomfortable talking to men at all unless they’re my customers. Like some days I’m ok and the next day I’m not feeling good and when a man comes up and just starts a conversation I’m calm but inside I’m scared to death. I’m always waiting to be raped again.

It’s actually a sickening feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Last night I kept having nightmares of being raped again so I didn’t get much sleep at al. So this morning I was up and just not feeling like myself at all. The nightmares’ really freaked me out. I kept having flashbacks of having the rape kit done and I remembered exactly how it felt and how much it hurt me.

I didn’t want to talk a shower this morning. I had felt so dirty last night that i just wanted to soak in the hot tub. I felt so used and broke that the only thing I wanted to do was sit down and cry it all out. My vagina was hurting. It was hurting the same way it hurt every time I was raped and touched. The pain was still there and I couldn’t stop it. The ride to work was so much worse, every bump in the road only made the pain 100 times worse and all I could do was try to breathe through it.

That broke me and I don’t feel normal. I will never feel like a normal woman. I won’t have the option of saying no without being scared that I will be raped again.