Thursday, March 29, 2012

i feel fat, ugly and very lost.....

My father had a heart attack on the 17. He had went to a clinic that morning because his stomach was upset. Turns out he had a mild heart attack there. So they took him to southern maryland hospital and he had a major heart attack there and coded 3 times. They flew him out to a different hospital where he had another major heart attack. He had tripple bypass surgery and is still on life support. That Wednesday he had another heartattack and was unresponsive for 33 minutes. So right now they don't know if he's going to make it. Tuesday they said that they were going to give him until this Friday to respond to not being sedated. They don't know how much brain dage he's suffered or if hell even wake up. He's in a coma.

I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm hurting. I'm trying to stay strong for him and my daughter but it just hurts so much. I just want to cry all the time because my dad isn't here. I miss him being at home and bothering me. It really hurt me because today my daughter was looking at a picture of my dad holding me as a baby and I said you see pop pop. And she looks at me and crawls towards the bedroom door to try to get it open so she could see him. And the terars just came from my eyes but I held them back. And I had to tell her pop pop isn't here hunny he's in the picture. She looks at me and starts to cry and trys again to get the door open.

The past two weeks have been hell for me. I've been sinking into depression but I catch myself from going there. I'm trying not to cry now but I keep telling myself that everything will be ok. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was for my dad to come home....he's my everything but it will be ok....

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Thursday, March 22, 2012

so i had an epiphany...........

When i was raped i had lost my faith in God. I had lost hope in him. I have always had it in the back of my head that God would always keep me safe. That he would always protect me from bad people and thats not true. He gives us free will. He can not stop free will or jump in to intervene. I couldnt understand why he would let babies be raped and molested. But until i truely understood what free will is. He has the power over life and death. Thats when he intervines. And thats when i realized that i didnt lose my faith in god it was my faith in man and i had lost.....'>So i had an epahany.....
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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, are often the most sensitive? Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, usually need someone to take care of them? Did you know that 3 of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry and Help me.

I'm really exhausted, all these new emotions I'm having are trying to break me down. I habe to admit that it is very tiring and overwhelming at times. But I do feel like I'm going to be ok in the end.

On another note I've decided to end the "relationship"(because you can't have a relationship between a narcissists due to the fact they only think of themselves) with my narcissists mother. I've come to realize that someone that selfish and self centered, who lacks empathy. And refuses to change is not worth my time. The only thing she was good for is giving birth to me. In her atempts to raise me and my sister she was selfish and still is, she's a habitual liar and to this day twists the words of other people around to make it seem like she's the victim and everyone else is the bad guy. Lying to us about things going on in the house and then going back and telling our father the exact opposite. So many times her lies have come back in her face with all three of us confronting her and all she does is twists our words, or deny ir, bring someone else into the conversation or projects it. When she does apologize shell say I'm sorry but you were acting this way or that way or shell pull the half ass apology where she say if I hurt you I'm sorry. Now when someone told you that you hurt them why would you offer a bullshit apology like that?

I don't trust anything about her, I don't believe anything she says, I don't believe anything she's feeling. If she were to come up to me today and started crying I would walk away. She's fake, she's good at wearing masks and acting like she cares. But because a lot of people don't understand what narcissism is and how narcissists behave, when you try to tell other people what's going on they don't believe you, especially when they know that person and don't live with them. Narcs are very good at impressing other people and its hard to see the truth.

What cracks me up about my mother is her gift giving. She knows what size clothes I wear and what I like. So what she does is she will buy me things for christmas and buy my clothes 3 sizes smaller than what ill wear or shell buy them 4 sizes too big. After I tell her don't buy me anything. And then has the nerve to bitch about it when I throw the shit in the trash. What am I going to do with it, its too small for me and too big for my sister, you should not have bought them. Then she will keep buying me gold earrings when everyone knows I wear silver. Or she will buy big hoop feathered earrings knowing I don't wear them. She buys for herself so when you don't like her gift she gets to keep it. The worst part is; she does it to my daughter. She buys her clothes that are way too big for her to wear that will take her 5 years to grow into. Her excuse is that's the only size they have. Such a damn liar, cut the bullshit lady. Can we say psycho???????

My father is constantly making excuses for her behavior and why she acts the way she does. I'm like stop sticking up for her when she's wrong. Say something to her. He's like get along with your mother, she's like that to everyone. Ok so I'm suppose to still get along with her even though she treats everyone like shit? I don't think so and just because you may do it to everyone that doesn't make it right. His whole thing is your family and you should stick together no matter what. Yeah ummm I don't think so, if that's really you're opinion and how you feel does that apply to someone elses family where a child is being molested by a family member? Its ok for it to happen because they are family. When you don't stand up for the person who's being hurt and you're just standing by looking and making excuses then that means you agree with the abuser. And that makes you just as bad if not worse than them. If someone is hurting me I have a right to leave, as a human I have a right to stay away from that person, I have a right to not talk to them as long an I need and not be harassed by other family members. I refuse to be a victim all over again and yes I'm willing to let go of family members if it comes down to it. My health and sanity comes over your happiness.

So I'm really happy and excited to start my new life without her. Its already feeling better and a lot more positive.

But the reason I came on was because my body hurts. I was looking in the mirror last night and saw the scars on my back from when frank beat me. I was in total shock when I saw it because I was going to get my first tatoo on my back until I noticed the bruises and that's when it bothered me. I had felt sad and ashamed because of the bruises. I was scared because of when I went to get my tatoo that everone was going to see the brusies and ask me what happened. But then I thought to myself I'm getting a sexual assault and domestic violence tattoo on my back why not have it near my wonderful scars to show I survived? Yay me I'm actually starting to make a negative into a positive.

So on to the nightmare I had yesterday morning. I was dreaming about the end of the world and the myans prediction about 2012. This whole thing started because I had a pic as my wallpaper on my phone and I guess it was the last thing I looked at. A friend had got this pic off of fox weather page and it was seen in ga I do believe.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Who ever knew a simple common action could take you back years.


I was lying in bed this morning trying to get my daughter to go to sleep. So I petted my pillow trying to get her to lay her head down and as soon as I did it, I have the most vivd flash back I can ever remember.

The actual flashback was only like a second but it felt like hours. I had a flashback of frank laying down with just his underwear on and petting the pillow. He use to do it all the time before he raped it. It was like his secrete signal for me to come over because I knew what would happen if he had to get up.

But I saw the color of it, the pattern of the sheets on the bed, I remember exactly what I had on and how my hair was. I felt the expression on his face the way his beard looked and felt and that emptyness at the bottom of my stomach.

I ummmm.......its hard just even writing about it, my hands are shaking I'm getting hot and my body is getting so irritated. Ugh the only thing I want to do is scream. But for me I scream through my words. It took me over 12 hours just to even get up the courage to write about it. Because I know if I actually put it down on paper then id have to deal with it.

But yeah I'm still shaken up about it. But I'm really glad that at the second I hit my hand on the pillow my daughter started laughing at me and banging her head on the pillow and snapped me out of it. Thank God she's my saving grace.

Sometimes I feel so bad about having panic attacks and flashbacks around her because I feel like I'm letting her down. I feel like I should be strong enough for her and me. And then I take a second to breathe and realized that I am so much stronger than I think.

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