Monday, January 21, 2013

Not hearing the moans Or going through it alone Rewind to the choice Loud to hear her voice To get one more opportunity Just to see what would become Of the black little girl, Who lived in a cold lonely world

So sick of reading books. Tired of flipping through pages looking for help for some stupid shit that I didn’t even fucking do to myself. The thoughts racing through my head make me feel like I’m going fuckin crazy. Spending hours on the damn computer looking for PTSD groups for rape survivors in the area I live in.

Calling RAINN is such a pain in the fuckin ass. It pisses me off and makes me angry every time I have to call them because as soon as I call they always direct you to the crisis center in the areas you live in. the rape crisis center in my area sucks to say the last. Like they don’t have people to work with people who’ve had suffered multiple traumas which is what I am. They don’t work with survivors one on one who has PTSD. I don’t fuckin understand how the fuck you’re a rape crisis center and don’t have the resources to work with PTSD.
It just irritates the shit out of me how much of a headache I have to go through to find local help for it. It’s getting worse every day. The night terrors are getting worse at night. I’m remembering things that I had pushed back about the rapes and it’s coming out now. The night terrors keep me up at night to the point it’s starting to take me 8 hours just to relax enough so that I can go to sleep. I’m back to having sleeping in the dark again, I swear every time I close my eyes when I’m lying in bed I see Banky standing in the doorway again. Ugh I want to throw up and just get up and the fuck out of him.

I’m not really the type of person who gets mad easily but man I swear lately I've just been so pissed off an angry and mad. Like if I saw any of the men who hurt me I would kill them. I would kidnap them and torture them into a slow painful agonizing death. I want them to feel the pain that they caused me. They are walking around living their lives without a care in the world and I’m sitting her 10 years into fuckin therapy and I still can’t be touched, can’t have sex, I cry every day.

I can’t function in relationships. This whole time I convinced myself that I’m ok, that I’m like everyone else in the world but I’m not. The more I start changing and better myself it just seems like more is being thrown at me. I’m having the hardest time coping with life right now and to be honest with you I am scared of the future. Like I’m glad I’m changing and understanding what’s going on with me but on the other hand it makes me actually think about everything. Like I feel like I’m serving a life sentence. That was the one thing that I like about being married to my best friend. I didn’t have to worry about starting over with someone else, I didn’t have to explain the flashbacks or panic attacks, he knew how to touch me, when not to and just that whole overall respect for me and what happened to me. Now it’s like I have to start over again if I don’t want to die on this earth a lonely woman. I have to reteach someone else everything and explain it to them and learn how to get used to them and their feelings.

I’m a realist, I’m not stupid or that naive little girl I used to be. After everything that’s I've experienced I know how the world works. Men like sex, me like to touch and hold their women. Men like to be touched and loves (that’s goes for women also). If my best friend couldn’t handle me why would I expect anyone else to handle me too? I try to look at things from the people’s perspective that way I can try to understand their feelings and thoughts. If I was a man I wouldn’t want to me with me for that reason. Everything else is good, I know that I can handle it but other people cant. And they don’t understand it either. Why would a man want to be with someone he can’t be intimate with or can’t touch and then have to deal with their panic attacks? Some of the men these days just don’t want to deal with that kind of headache. Hell most people don’t want to deal with it either. It’s like walking around with a sign around your neck saying I’m a wonderful person who gives back and loves but can’t be touched or looked at in a certain way.

What do you do with that????