I have a lot going on right now. I still haven't went into the details about Franklin and myself but I'm slowly getting there.
We all have our own triggers. Something that sets us off, weather its a sound a scent or a noise. I'm very sensitive to certain months. I met Frank(my hand was just shaking as I typed that name out I felt like I was going to throw up) in February when we first started talking. It was around the 10th because he got me roses for valentines day. (I despise roses now) but our first date was march 14 because his birthday was on the 10th and mine is the 24th I remember we went to see bringing down the house with Queen Latifa and Steve Martin. We went back to his car and just kissed. Ummmmm he was my first real serious boyfriend and he was older. I was turning 16 that year and he was 22. I felt excited because an older guy liked me. None of the guys at my school did because of the way I looked. I was short, big butt and breasts I had thighs no waist or stomach, I didn't talk like the other black girls and I was in all the college classes and I was in theatre. So ummmmm yeah that first feeling of attention is a dangerous thing.
Anyways its like the past couple of days I've just been so overly emotional, like I felt like I had lost something but I didn't know what it was. Like I feel like crying at stupid things and even the not so stupid things.
Yesterday morning I had a nightmare about frank and my ex-husband and his bestfriend were in it also. It started out as I had to take some kind of test for a grant for school and I was suppose to be there at 2pm so I kept hitting the snooze button because I was tired and didn't want to get up. So he woke me up and was angry because I had overslept and we had to rush to get there. For some reason we were driving to the mall(it was where I had met frank and that same day he raped me for the first time) well it looked exactly the same way it did that day the same cars sounds and everything. Well we picked up his bestfriend and my ex-husband was mad at me because I didn't want to take the test. We started to go to mcdonalds and when everyone was getting in the car I thought I was driving but he sat in the drivers seat and I had to squeeze behind him. He pushed his seat all the way back and I started to panic and jumped out the car. I was on the same side of the mall that frank had picked me up at and I had saw his car sitting there. My ex got out the car and started yelling at me until I started crying when I told him that frank was sitting there but didn't see him. And that's when I woke up from the dream in total shock. My daughter was sleeping beside me and I woke up sweating and ready to cry.
I feel like bawling my eyes out right now because I know that he hurt me on purpose. That he tried to get me pregnant on purpose. It hurts and its sad because I'm actually dealing with and coping with what he did to me. Every single time he raped me I write about it so I don't hold it in. Its hard but ummmmm yeah.....