Friday, January 11, 2013

It feels like I’m going crazy. You’ll never understand unless it has happened to you. I can’t stand the skin I’m in some days. It hurts. The scars the way it feels period. There are some things I can never get back and I’ll just have to live with that. The panic attacks, the nightmares, my hair falling out, the stress, not being able to be close to anyone. It hurts so bad I want to be that "normal" female. But it will never happen.

I feel so disgusting. I feel like there’s a pound of dirt on my skin and there’s nothing I can do to get it off. I feel like no matter how many times I scrub my skin it will never be clean again. I fight this feeling every day, all day long.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m single now and I’m free. Like I feel everything they did to me. Last night while I was sleeping I could feel Banky inside of me. I felt him inside my vagina. It felt like I was on fire…

I need to write more. I feel really hurt right now. This bath isn’t really helping either. It feels like I’m swimming in a tub of their semen and I can’t get out without cleaning myself first. It just feels like my skin is on fire all the time and I can’t stop the burning. Last night I had night terrors. I could taste his semen in my mouth, I tasted him and I still can taste him and it just makes my stomach hurt and upset and I wish I could just throw it all up so I can get it out of my body. Every place on my body that they touched me is burning right now. It’s like their fingerprints have been burned into my body and I’m trying to cut them off just to get my skin back.

The good thing about us separating is I can stop pretending. I can stop pretending that it doesn’t hurt when it’s really killing me inside. No one will really understand how it feels unless they've been through it before. I can sit here and explain until I’m blue in the face what the flash back feels like. I can try to tell you what it feels like to have the same nightmare about being raped over and over again. And as many times as you may tell me it’s just a bad dream, it’s not. It really happened. It’s a reality that keeps replaying its self over and over again. Yes I know and understand that it may not happen again but the fact that it has happened already hurt. Living that same nightmare over and over again hurts. Being raped over and over again in that dream (that really happened) hurts. It’s not just a mental thing it’s physical also. What they did to me was not right. It hurt me in so many ways I didn’t realize until now.

They took a part of me I can’t get back and that’s what hurts. I was a child when I was molested the first time. For 2 years I didn’t say anything because I was scared I would get in trouble by my mom. She knew and didn’t do anything. She knew and made me play with him anyway. She still fuckin knows and still lets him come to the house like its nothing. Frank hurt me. I don’t want to talk about that right now because its making me sick thinking about it. I pressed charges against Banky and somehow or another they still made it my fault. Why did I left him touch me? Why did he drive me home? Why did I let him give me oral sex? Why? Why? Why? Who fuckin cares???? My dad told me not to tell anyone about what happened, my mom said something about therapy 5 years after it happened. You stupid ignorant bitch, that would have helped me 5 God damn years ago. The damn damage is done now.

Like how do you explain to someone new you’re dating that you have flashbacks and panic attacks. Every single time you have to start over with a new person. You have to re-teach your body to get used to that persons touch and what they look like and constantly remind yourself that they aren’t going to hurt you. Like it’s just an awkward conversation to have with that person. And then when they leave because they can handle you. Like what do you do in that situation? You can’t be mad at them because they can’t handle it but it’s more like putting the blame on you. You’re the one who’s feeling guilty even though you know it’s not your fault but you feel like it because you’re the one who’s suffering. It’s your partner who can’t handle what happened to you because of what someone else did to you. People don’t fuckin understand that no matter how people react to you it always comes back to what happened to you and it makes you feel like it’s your fault. You feel bad when partners leave you ,you feel bad when you jump at him touching you even though you know that he’s not going to hurt you, you feel bad when you want to kiss that person but can’t because you’re having flashbacks of your rapist holding you down, you feel bad. That bad feeling doesn’t go away overnight. 

Damage….such a funny but hurtful word. So many times I've been referred to as damaged good. As if I’m some kind of damn broken package instead of a person with fuckin feelings. I am not what happened to me. I am not rape, I am a rape survivor. Do not fuckin define me by my past.