Wednesday, January 23, 2013

days become darker nights become longer more oppressive heavy on the mind weighing down on hope suppressing it crushing it until it dies and when that happens life dies too

I swear it feels like I’m losing my fucking mind. There’s like a million thoughts racing through my head right now. I’m in the bathroom right now typing this on my cell phone with the music playing hoping to drown out some of the pain. I really wish I could grieve over everything I lost but I just never have the time.

Today is just not a good day at all. I spent all of yesterday morning calling trying to find help. They have nothing in my area or even within 200 miles of where I live. They have a lot of PTSD support groups but for veteran’s car accident survivors and natural disaster survivors but not rape survivors. How fuckin god damn hilarious is that shit? I've been raped by my rapist, by the fuckin police when they dropped my god damn case and now I can’t even get free fuckin help because they don’t have the money. Soooo…since my insurance doesn’t cover it I have to come out of my pocked for it which starts at 166 for a damn 50 minute secession.

All those numbers that I called and nothing. Just fucking nothing at all. That’s how I feel right now, like nothing. I feel so broken and used and now I’m just starting to feel angry and just pissed the fuck off. I’m pissed off that I can’t have sex when I want to, I’m pissed off that I can’t even touch my own skin without jumping, I’m pissed off at the men who hurt me. I wish they were dead. No let me take that back: I wish that I could run into them again so that I can torture them slowly and show them the same fuckin pain that they gave me.

I’m angry all the damn time. I’m angry and mad and san and honestly hurting them would make me feel so much better right now. To watch the look on their faces, the fear in their eyes because they don’t know what’s going to happen next. That would make my world so much better. I wish I could keep all of them locked in cages and have a throw where I can sit down and just stare at them until I feel like hurting them again.

I can just feel it right now. I would be in a bright pink suit with a pink flower in my curly hair. 5 inch pink stilettos with lots and lots of glitter on them. I would have a custom whip with 3inch long spikes on it that will dig into your skin and rip it off once I pull it away. I would cut frank in the same fuckin spot that he cut me in. Banky I would chain him down on the bed and take my whip and go right for his balls. I’d make him beg me to stop. I’d say to him, “Banky why are you acting like that”. The same stupid shit he said to me while he was raping me. Stupid fucker, I would torture him to the same song that was playing. I would record it and make it my ringtone for my cell phone so whenever someone contacted me they would know to leave me the fuck alone.

I would play it for the world to hear. Hell id put the whole damn recorded on YouTube so the world to see how much of an asshole and a piece of shit they are. How society let them walk free to torture other people.

After I was done torturing them id probably pull a human centipede on them just because I can. Justin would be in the middle…no I think the order would go my friends bother, Kenny, Dave, Wilson, that guy, Kenya, Justin and frank would be at the beginning expect I would put them all in a circle. And watch them suffer until they are all dead. I feel no remorse, I wouldn’t feel bad or have any sympathy, especially for Justin, frank and Banky, may they all burn in hell with no escape.