Monday, July 23, 2012

 She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten.

So what really crack me up are parents. How when you’re older they all of a sudden forget the things they have said and or done to you but somehow they can remember some memory in that same time period. It makes me sick. I’m working on becoming a more open and honest woman and mother. If you ask me a question I refuse to lie to you about it.

Not all mothers are perfect. No mother will ever be perfect and that’s a fact. I feel like if you admit that you did something wrong then it’s so much easier for me to forgive you because you are acknowledging the fact that you made a mistake. My problem is when people make these sorry ass apologies saying if I hurt you then I’m sorry. It’s like they have no recognition of what they said or do. Which is understandable and reasonable but when you say that never happened when two seconds ago you told me you didn’t remember that just means you remembered, you don’t want to deal with it or talk about it and that’s ok too.

I’ve wasted enough enegry on trying to learn more about my mother. I’ve waste so much time and energy on why we have no connection except the fakeness that I have to do every day just to get you to talk to me. And it hurts, it feels like I’m selling my soul to the devil and ii want it back except it hasn’t been cashed in yet.

People don’t understand that every woman who has given birth is not a mother. That there are mothers out there who abuse their children and yet for some reason when their children come and tell someone they are accused and wronged because the most important person in a child’s life has always been the mother and everyone knows that mother can do no wrong.

when we go to protect ourselves we are crucified and it hurts and burns and tears a whole through our souls at the same time and the only thing you can do is try to take a deep breath and……….



Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I would rather be a slave physically than a mental slave for the rest of my life....

So as a black woman speaking right now I really just don’t understand how we have sat up and up with the shit we go through each day.
I’m watching the movie The Help (something I thought I would never ever watch because I was getting tired of watching movies like this) but it’s sending a point across.

I don’t understand how we talk shit about other people and their situations and what they are going through with their families when we are the one at home being raped and beaten every day. But yet for some reason we always have the courage to pick ourselves back up, wipe on the lighter shade of foundation, sweep on that blush and roll on that too colored light lipstick and walk around like the world is so fuckin peaceful. We carry this weight on our shoulders as if we have to be the strongest woman in the world at all times. We have this negative thought in our heads as if we don’t support our own race, no matter what the cause is we are failures. We feel as though as we aren’t as good as our mothers and our grandmothers and our great great grandmothers were.

I sat here an watched this movie sand the only thing I could think of was how man secrets were holding from each other. How many secretes we were keeping from our very own children in order to “protect them” because we didn’t want them to get hurt like we got hurt. But the only way to end that problem is to find a solution to the answer. We have been raped and beaten multiple times but yet we ignore our very one feelings and emotions. We use other objects to hide what we’re feeling.

We as black women are so strong that we break our own selves down. We don’t need anyone else to do it for us. We criticize ourselves to the point of a meltdown, a mental meltdown. But yet when we need help with that meltdown we don’t allow anyone else in to try to help us. We sit and soak and moan and groan all day long but when it’s right in front of our face we turn away with shame and disgust.

We are shameful because we feel as though we couldn’t help ourselves and therefore we can help our families. That disgusted feeling is because we couldn’t do anything to change it. We carry that guilt around with us, even when we are sleeping we have no control over it.

Our emotional connections to our own family are so weak that we can’t justify them. I will never understand how we put up with that bullshit back in in the 60s and 70s but not one of us can stand up for our rights???????? We can’t stand up and say I’ve been raped, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been molested……………

So I sit here, take another sip of my drink and try to relax as I’m watching the movie. I really don’t see what has changes in those past 60 years, we are still slaves. Were just slaves to our own community and to ourselves, and we can’t blame anyone but ourselves.
I just want to cry for us because we are killing ourselves. We don’t talk about anything, we deny the truth but when it happens to other people we are so quick to jump into their cases when we know that we are sitting right in front with them……


Thursday, July 12, 2012

All malignant narcissists are inveterate snoops, busybodies, gossips and liars. They are constantly on an expedition to pry information out of you. The information is always used to manipulate you; embarrass you; frame-you; damage your reputation; control you; blackmail you and come between you and the people and things you love. Zip those lips up tight. Play your mental cards very close to your vest and protect your borders.

So I'm not looking forward to writing this list but I know that I have t

So here goes....I'm writing a list of everything wrong my mother has done to me. It's a way of letting my pain go and moving forward with my life and dealing with the emotions.

          ***Some of the things in the list may not be in the right order and most of them I don’t remember the age I was when she said these things but for the bigger issues I do remember the age.

·         At 5 years old, I was in kindergarten and I had flipped my hair over my shoulders with my hand. She flipped out and told me I wasn’t a white girl and if I ever flipped my hair again she was going to cut it all off. *The whole walk home she kept making a mockery of what I had did.

·         After I was molested I had started crying a lot in school because no one would play with me and the only person who wanted to play with me was the boy who molested me. The teacher would make everyone else play with me and the kids started calling me cry baby. When a note got sent home to my "mother" she told me stop being so sensitive and whenever I would cry she would call me a cry baby.

·         At my 5th grade graduation she took us "shopping" and picked out the ugliest dress she could find along with doing my hair how she wanted to do it.

·         In 5th grade I started my period so that summer I had cramps for the first time and cried the whole time and layed in bed with my dad. She got mad and started calling me cry baby again, when my dad said something to her she threw a tantrum and stormed off.

·         The summer of middle school I started listening to pop and boy bands. She hated it, she hated that I read Seventeen and Teen. She hated that I didn’t listen to rap music. She would ask me why I was listening to white people music. She would always comment on the magazines I was reading. My sister read vibe, I read Teen. She would tell me I needed to stop acting white. That black girls don’t shave their legs or listen to white music. When I asked what white music was she had no comment. It got so bad that she told my dad that the only magazine I was allowed to bring home was black magazines.

·         I started bringing home black hair books and she got pissed off at that because I was spending so much time with my hair and I needed to do something else.

·         6th grade she took us shopping for school again and only got us 2 outfits. {I found out later on that my dad had given her $400 to take us school shopping. Between me and my sister we only spend $80.}. She picked out 2 outfits for me and one was all tan. I was on my period and didn’t want to wear a skirt or the color tan. I told her that I didn’t want to mess up my clothes. She made me wear them anyway and I ended up getting blood on them and had to wear my gym shorts home. When I got home she cussed me out for messing up my clothes.

·         When my dad would give us allowance my mother would always come in the room and try to make us feel bad because she didn’t have any money or she didn’t have any cigarettes and she never gave us the money back. One time she asked me for money on my birthday, I shoved it in her face and said I didn’t want anything else from her for the rest of my life.

·         7th grade I had tried out for All State Chorus and my dad took me all the way up to Carol County Maryland on his only day off, my sister went too and she didn’t because she didn’t want to sit in the car for that long ride. Even though I begged her to go, she wouldn’t move.

·         Growing up we had to beg her to spend time with us. She was always running around buying drugs from her friends and spending time with them.

·         One time I needed tampons and I told my "mom" and she said she didn’t have any gas in her car to take me. So my dad took me to the store to get tampons. When we got back home she says she has to go get Uncle and leaves in her car. She just didn’t want to take me.

·         Throughout all of middle school she never bought us clothes except for the 2 outfits we get once a year. She would take hand me downs and would pick out all the clothes I could fit and put them in her closet and told me I could only wear them if I lost weight.

·         When trying on clothes for the next school year she would always comment on my weight. How I had gained weight that year and how I had thunder thighs and people would make fun of me. Every time I would go back for seconds she would remind me how I didn’t want to look like rolly polly.

·         I stopped eating red meat and pork the middle of middle school and she got mad because the only thing I would eat was chicken, vegetables and icecream.

·         I had a chorus concert and my dad and sister went with me but she stayed home again because she didn’t feel like going.

·         During the summer she would make us read from the encyclopedia and write reports. When we were done with the reports and our summer home work for classes she still wouldn’t let us go outside and play. Her excuse was you need to spend some time at home. But she still wouldn’t let us out the house. All she would do is sit and stare at the T.V. and eat.

·         When I had signed up for chorus my freshman year she made me change it because chorus wasn’t going to help me with anything in my life. I took a sewing class instead.....I had been sewing since elementary school to the point I was making clothes from a pattern.

·         9th grade I started to wear weaves and she always had a comment about that. She would say that I was a fake person because I would do my nails too and wear makeup{I had to sneak it in the house because she would never let me wear it, she rarely let me wear lip-gloss}

·         She would say I looked like a clown with all that crap on my face and threatened me to take it off.

·         I had met my ex the end of my sophomore year so when I wanted to introduce him to my "mother" the first thing she said is why isn’t he black? Why can’t you date a black man? She ignored how old he was {22} but focused on his race.

·         11th grad I was in all Honors and AP classes and whenever I got on the computer she would cuss me out just to do it. My home work was all done, she wouldn’t let me leave the house, my sister wasn’t home, and I just wanted to get on the computer and she had no logical reason to keep me off on a Friday Night. My dad stepped in and she threw another temper tantrum and stormed off like a child.

·         Whenever we went to church people would ask me what I was going to do after school, I’d tell them and she would interrupt me and start talking about how my sister is going to Spellman after she graduates.{she was a sophomore at the time}

·         During choir at church when we would sing, she would always compare me and my sister and how we sung. How I was always quiet and my voice was shaky and I didn’t sound strong and loud like my sister.

·         She let her son live in the house. He’s a child molester and found nothing wrong with that. We got into a fight one day because he was looking at child porn on the computer and one of our neighbors came over to use the computer and a pop up came up. I told her that he can’t use the computer, she got mad and we start arguing back and forth. I and my father told her that if they find that on the computer we will all be in trouble and get everything taken away. When I told her I'm locking the computer and he can’t use it anymore she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall and told me it’s not my computer that he can use it if he wants to.

·         Senior year of high school I had principals honors and a 4.0. That wasn’t enough for her but she couldn’t pinpoint anything else to focus on.

·         When I bought her tickets to see my play she said she didn’t want to go.{she’s off on weekends and only work 15 hours a week}

·         She told me that I couldn’t go to my senior prom because they didn’t have the money for a dress or a limo. After I told them don’t worry about the dress or a limo all I need is money for the ticket. She told me they didn’t have the money, they had to pay the taxes on the house. My senior prom I spent cutting grass while everyone else was getting into their limos.

·         Two years later my father told me that my mom told him that I didn’t want to go to my prom. When I told her I never said that she tried to lie on me again and my father caught her in a lie and cussed her out for taking my prom from me.

·         I had my senior awards at night and couldn’t go because she wouldn’t take me. She asked me if I could find a right to my awards ceremony because she doesn’t feel like going {my dad was at work}. So I didn’t go, I ended up hanging out with my ex.

·         She tried to not let me to go senior week but my dad stepped in and gave me the money to go.

·         When I had signed up for Nursing that fall she tried to down talk me into being a medical assistant because she said it would be easier.

·         That summer I was raped, she wasn’t concerned about anything. She didn’t ask how I was; the first thing that came out her mouth was what did you do now. Then she asked me if I needed her to come to the hospital with me. What mother asks her child if she wants her to come to the hospital after being raped? Her and my sister tried to make excuses saying she asked that because of my attitude I had at the time. So what does my attitude have to do with a mother being at the hospital with her daughter again?

·         After my dad retired, I was paying for everything in the house because he had no income coming in at the time. I worked between 40 and 50 hours a week when I was 18 years old. As soon as my foot would hit the door step she would start screaming, wash the dishes, put the food up, this was all before I had walked into the house. If the dishes weren’t done by the time she wanted them done, she would cuss me out.

·         When I moved back home for the last time it only got worse. I had  paid off her car (it’s my car now) and she would let my sister drive wherever she want and she didn’t have a curfew. I was 21 and she gave me an 8:00 curfew on when I should have her car back.

·         My sister was failing English her senior year and got 2 proms, they brought 2 set of senior pictures with her and let her retake her pictures. I didn’t get a prom and I had to take my senior pictures with the cut I got from my ex on my face.

·         While I was pregnant she would always smoke in the house and around me until I started choking one day.

·         When I went into labor with my daughter she didn’t move, she didn’t ask if I was ok. My husband’s mother beat us to the hospital so she was in the room with us. My "mother" showed up 3 hours later and left because she couldn’t be in the room so she didn’t feel like sitting around in the waiting room all night waiting for me to have the baby.

·         She didn’t come see my daughter after she was born but only one time.

·         About 6 months after I had my daughter she commented on when I was going to lose my stomach and poked at the little bit of baby fat I still had from having a baby.{My "mother" is bigger than me}

·         Now that my daughter is older, she calls her thighs thunder thighs and says she has nappy hair. I stop her right there and tell her that if she ever says those things about my daughter again, she won’t have to worry about having a grandchild.

·         When she buys any types of gifts for me, she always buys the exact opposite of what I like. Shell buy gold earring and give them to me, knowing that I only wear silver and when I tell her I don’t wear gold shell say oh I didn’t know, she’s been saying oh I didn’t know for 20 years now.  And then she’ll take them and be like well oh I’ll take them then.

·         Shell buy clothes for me for Christmas that is 2 sizes too small and be like oh I thought they would fit.

·         My dad would give her 600 to spend on Christmas gifts just for my husband and sister’s boyfriend and well write down their sizes and everything and shell come back with a $10 pair of bed room shoes in the wrong size and claim that what she was looking for was too expensive(one year it was 2 regular long sleeve shirts, something you can get from Wal-Mart)

·         She'll buy my daughter boy clothes and say they were cute so I picked them up. Or shell buy sizes too small and again claim well this is the only size they had. She bought her socks in a size 6, my daughter is 17 months old

·         Ill cook something for  myself and shell go in there and eat it and be like well I didn’t know it was yours while she sat there and watched me cook it

·         Whenever we have a problem or do our "group" talks, it’s always my mother and sister against me. Until my husband steps in and they back down.

·         No matter what wrong she does in the house, everyone keeps making excuses for her. My father wanted to keep peace at all costs meaning I should just suck it up and continue to deal with the emotional abuse because she’s my mother and she’s always been selfish and she won’t change.

·         I tried to talk to her about what was bothering me in the past and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. Told me to my face that my feelings didn’t matter and that I was lying about what she did to me.

 You don't have to wait for someone to treat you badly repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.

I’m just so irritated annoyed and ready to go home. I feel so much more stressed out now than before I came here. Since the fight with my mother who out right told me that my feelings didn’t matter and that she didn’t care how I felt I decided to let her spend time with my daughter and to give her a chance until the end of the year. Which now I know that she’s never going to change and you know what, I’m ok with that.

I was talking to an older friend last week who knows some of the situation between me and my mom. She tried to tell me that my mother loved me and that parents say and do things to make their kids better. That my mother lacks emotional connection (I’m thinking in my head, what does that have to do with knowing what’s right and wrong) and she doesn’t know how to express herself. That she’s mean to me because she doesn’t know how to show her love for me so she plays it out the other way. She also tells me that I can’t live a whole life without my mother that the bible says to love our parents that we have to respect them no matter what they say or do because they are our parents. We then talk about her experiences and how her partner is. How she treats her bad but shes not going to leave, she just ignores it.

This is when you notice the generation gap. The difference of opinions and really understand how you are supposed to be treated. I don’t believe in the MYTH of every mother is a good mother deep down inside. I believe that people make choices to do the things they do. That everything is done for a reason. I don’t believe that you should have to put up with abuse just because it’s your parent. I don’t give a damn if it was the pope and he was emotionally abusing you, you have the right to protect yourself from that person.  By any means nesseciary with in the law of course.

That is what’s wrong with the older generation. Yes they have taught us morals and values and have showed us many priceless things that the new generation of is parents can’t but when it comes to children and their feelings, they have failed. I have realized that most children who were born in the late 70s to mid-90s have this problem. Out parents do not pay attention to our emotional needs. They pay attention to how we are doing in school, what’s going on with us, what we are up to but when it comes down to it, they don’t pay attention. And I do understand but when you ignore a child’s emotional needs it affects them all the way up to adult hood. It affects their personal life and their future family life also. It affects their children and grandchildren. Having a healthy emotional boundaries and feelings are a necessary part of life. I feel as though everyone has the right to one.

So when people make excuses for other parents you are only holding us back as a new generation.  They are only coving up a bleeding wound. It’s like they accept that their parents hurt them, they look at it as oh well they were trying to help me be a better person so I’ll accept it and leave it as that. They don’t look at it as it being wrong. What they are really saying is yes your mom said she didn’t care about you but she had a hard life. And our generation is like I understand that she had a hard life but what does her hard life have to do with how I’m feeling? The whole process of it all doesn’t make sense because if our generation can see what’s going on and change our behavior so that we don’t expose our kids to what we went through, why didn’t your generation do the same thing? If someone is calling you stupid all the time and you don’t like it so you ignore them but you walk past a couple when another person is being called stupid but you don’t say anything.  YOURE CONDONING THE BAD BEHAVIOR. How do they expect us to stop the cycle if they are only adding to the problem?