Friday, December 7, 2012

Unfortunately, even if you have got your mind around the trauma, your body has a memory of its own. Many women report having episodes where they involuntarily cringe when a loved one touches them and many more report problems when actually having intercourse. Vaginal dryness, a muscle tensing, or the impression of leaving one's body during sex are all common for somebody who been sexually abused. It is going to take time to get past all of this and an extremely patient partner.

I’m having really bad body memories right now. I don’t really have an appetite anymore, I have to force myself to eat everyday which kind of sucks. I just don’t feel like eating. Like I have this horrible taste in my mouth and I was actually kind of hoping that his Dr. Pepper would take it out but it’s not working.
I’m feeling kind of sad and really emotional and I just want to cry. I wanted to cry on my way to work yesterday. Like my body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me now. It feels like it’s theirs, like I never had my body after I was 6 years old. Someone else was always touching me and hurting me that I don’t even know what my own body feels like. I don’t know what I like to a certain point and it’s really frustrating.

It’s like hands all over my body and I can smell Banky and Frank and it just turns my stomach. I had accidentally put on exclamation perfume (I was wearing it when I was raped and I only wear it around my husband. So I went into work yesterday and my coworkers told me I smelled like a baby and I couldn’t figure out why and I thought it was because of my daughter and her things. I had put on a little bit of lotion on her but it wasn’t that. As soon as I got off from work it clicked in my head and it had triggered me because Franklin used to tell me that all the time when I wore it with him and my stomach just turned over and I just felt so sick and disgusted.

Like it’s to the point right now, with the body memories and how I’m feeling that I don’t want to be touched at all, and it’s been like years since I've felt this strong about it. I don’t want anyone touching me or anyone looking at me. I can feel my senses getting stronger and my body just feels like it’s on aren’t right now and that’s also kind of hard to deal with. Like I can feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up right now.