A Black Woman Surviving Rape: Jun 29, 2012

Friday, June 29, 2012

It is important to remember that rape and sexual assault is NOT the same as consensual sex/making love/being intimate with someone who cares about you. Rape is about having your choices taken away. Being intimate with your partner is something you can choose to do or choose not to do. You can ask your partner to stop and he/she would stop. You may find that some positions may now seem frightening to you and you may feel you want to use positions where you feel more in control over what is happening. If you are with someone who cares about you, loves you, respects you that is entirely different from a man who is abusing you, who has no care or respect for you. An intimate relationship with someone you care for and someone who cares for you is entirely different from forced sex. Abusive sex is someone hurting you, having power and control over you, consensual sex is someone you choose to be intimate with, someone you are caring for and someone caring for you.

I feel like a failure as a wife and woman.

This sex therapy is so much harder than I thought it was ever going to be. So yes I am healing and yes it kind of is working but it hurts. It hurts because it seems like no matter what I do I just can’t get it right.

I have so many problems sexually I don’t know where to begin. When I think I’ve fixed one problem, 100 more appear with no solution. After going through the sexual experiences I have encountered and my feelings towards them I was shocked.

I’ve always associated sex with being raped. I had no feelings or attitude towards sex because I never had it before I was raped. With nothing to compare it too besides my own feelings and what people tell me it’s supposed to feel like I was lost.

I didn’t know how to react, I knew that there were a lot of feelings and emotions that I was having that I liked but was also afraid of because I couldn’t control them. There were a lot of feelings I couldn’t stand because it reminded me of being raped. Finding out what my triggers are, going into details about the rape, the smells, sounds, what was in the room really opened up my eyes.

I learned that I still cannot be intimate whenever I want to. That I’m confused about the sexual feelings that I do have.

Unless I’m 100% sure that the feelings I do have are real and not just my past messing with me, I don’t act on them. I don’t act on the feelings because I know I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with anyone in a healthy way. Now I’m starting to understand how my feelings affect my sex life. The sex dreams I have all the time, it seems as though it’s the only thing on my mind and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I feel disgusting because of it. I feel disgusting for wanting sex, I feel embarrassed and I don’t know how to talk about it. Like I guess I never thought that being molested or raped would ever effect anyone this much or this deep.

I have a problem with controlling sex. I have a problem with my feelings towards sex and how I act out on them. I’m doing things that are only hurting the progression I’ve made.

I masturbate all the time if I had the chance. I do it so much because it just feels like all this pain is inside of my body and it just hurts when I can’t get it out. The pain feels like my vagina and pelvis is on fire from the pain and there’s nothing but pins and needles and my stomach starts to cramp up and my who body feels like it’s been hit by a mac truck. I masturbate to the point where it doesn’t feel good anymore.

It’s really painful but it lets the bad feelings about sex out. Afterwards I’m usually embarrassed and disgusted with myself but I don’t have anyone I can relate to. I just want to have a healthy sex life. I don’t want to feel bad about sex again….

Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.