Thursday, December 6, 2012

Cause the only love you knew was neglect and abuse, But it didn’t matter what it was cause it was still love to you. Didn’t matter what he did, Cause he was still kissing and hugging you. Call you bitch, hoe, and slut, But he still rubbing and touching you. And the way that you grew up, This is what loved ones would do.

Ugh………so not feeling good right now. This whole week it feels like my body is off balance. Like I just feel dirty and so violated right now. I hate being on my period, there’s nothing that I like about it especially the bleeding part of it. I feel like there are 1 million hands moving all over my body at the same time. I had just looked down at my nails and almost threw up because I felt so disgusted by them. I wish I had peace of mind right now. My stomach is upset. God I used to hate wearing sanitary napkins when I was in high school. The sight of blood never used to gross me out or anything like that until I met Frank and he would never rape me when I was on my period thank god but he would touch my vagina and it always turned my stomach because I still has the sanitary pad on.

Being on my period just triggers it every time for me and I just want to cry about it. Something natural as having a period every month just makes me disgusted with my own body. I had the same problem after I had my daughter and you bleed 6 weeks after you have a baby and can’t use tampons. Wearing pads then turned my stomach. the only things that were going through my head was how nasty I felt when he kept touching me and I’m just not really feeling anything right now but pain, tears and hurt and I just want it to stop before I go to work. I’m excited about going to work but I just don’t like the way I’m feeling right now………

These women aren’t victims; they are serving their child up in a sexual sacrifice in order to keep their home and their man. The woman, who would not allow her little girl to play with my neighbor, is also no victim. She is the typical person who “doesn’t want to get involved with that kind of thing” and considers the child as the dirty one, and not to be played with.

I can’t wait to move out of here. It makes me sick to my stomach staying here. Every morning I wake up feeling like I’m sick to my stomach. I’m still in school how my NM allowed her son (a pedophile) move into the house with her granddaughter. My daughter is with me 100% always but I still don’t understand any of it.

I've never met such a more selfish person in my life. To choose an adult who you know for sure has done these things over your grandchild. Yeah its official, you were never a mother to begin with, just someone my father had sex with. I don’t believe in putting down people at all but my NM makes me sick.

I now understand that she knew I was being molested and she knew the person who did it. My NS told me last year how both her and NM knew I was molested and they knew the boy who did it. It didn’t click in my head then but it did a couple of weeks ago. I was thinking about how I was acting after it happened. I would cry all the time in school and no one wanted to play with me but the only person who wanted to play with me was the boy who molested me and my teachers made me be nice to him and play with him which only made me cry more in elementary school. I started not doing my homework and not paying attention, I had to go to speech therapy because I couldn’t say certain words after I was molested. They put me in the slower classes because they thought I wasn’t catching on to things, my grades went down a lot and I was having behavior problems so when I would get home from school I was punished.  NM would always ask me what the hell was going on with me, how I need to get my act together or I won’t have any toys for Christmas or I won’t be allowed to play outside with my friends.

Her threats didn’t really do much, she had already threatened to chop off my hair when I was 5 so anything she said after I just ignored. I would take things from my neighbor’s house hoping my mom would ask me if anyone was touching me again but she never did. Then she put me on a diet. I would eat so much in elementary school all the time. I still wasn’t overweight but she thought I was fat and needed to lose weight.

I don’t understand how a child can go up to their mother and tell them what’s wrong with them and what’s bothering them and the mother gives no response back. She never answered my letters I wrote her, she never came to me even after I came to her and tried to talk about it; she just shut me out and basically wiped her hands clean of me. I remember the look on her face when she did it. I was 17 and had already been in the abusive relationship with Frank and had been raped by him more times than I can ever count and she just didn’t give a damn.

She let Justin come over to our house even after she knew he was the one who molested me; she still let him come over and made me play with him. After I was in high school I decided I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I got tired of being forced to play with the boy who hurt me so I stopped. Of course I got cussed out by my mother and father for not playing with him and hurting his feelings. FUCK HIS FEELINGS he hurt my vagina and my butt. I don’t give a fuck about his feelings. NM does give a damn about what happens to me or my daughter, that is so evident now but it’s also the saddest thing ever.

My “mother” wants nothing to do with me unless I bow down to her and make her happy. What child should have to live a life like that? This has me thinking about who I can turn to as a role model (female). I don’t look up to my NM and my father isn’t here anymore but then he sided with her no matter what the situation was. I’m not close to my NS because she’s turned into a younger version of my NM.

My NM didn’t protect me from being molested; she didn’t care what happened to me. And she doesn’t care about her granddaughter. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen (her son moving into the house).  This was my breaking point, everyone has a limit that they can be pushed to and this is it. I made a promise to myself when I got pregnant that I would do everything in my power to prevent my daughter from having to go through what I went through as a child. Like how in the hell could you let a damn pedophile move into your house, start his own business in your basement without a license and have different people in your house that you don’t know all hours of the night?

I’m just so beyond sick of dealing with this bullshit. I never wanted to move back to this fuckin hell hole to begin with and again no one fuckin listened to me when I bitched and cried about it until now. And guess what it’s too late now. No one took me seriously when I said my mother treats me the way she does. 26 years I've been dealing with this shit and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m lonely and I feel like I’m going through this alone. Like everything is piling up just to see how much I can hold at one time. Every night I just feel like crying my eyes out. The lonely feeling that I have, I can’t explain but I feel like I’m walking through this by myself and all I can’t is to be held, for someone to just tell me that everything is going to be ok,  I just want everything to be ok. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this without breaking down. I’m staying strong, I’m trying to be strong but I can’t do it forever. Mentally and emotionally it’s draining the life out of me. It’s a constant battle in fighting on top of everything else that I’m dealing with right now.

I started my period almost a week early because of all the stress. I didn’t pms at all so that whole angry part of me that I usually get out is still inside except now I just feel so emotionally and vulnerable and sensitive. I just feel like I could lay down and cry my eyes out. I’m still missing my dad even more now than ever, I don’t usually get sleep at night because I’m so worried about my daughter and our living situations(moving in January) it’s just a lot that’s going through my head especially with therapy  I do have a lot of my plate right now. I’m just tired……….