Things Not to Say to a Survivor of a Sexual Crime Please don't...Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet. Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn to be safe again.

 What I don’t deserve is to be punished for it. It’s like everyone expects me to be happy all the time and I’m not. I cry and its ok, I don’t need anyone else’s permission to fucking cry because I’m hurt. I was molested, I was raped more times than I can count and that hurt me. What happened to me hurt me in ways that most people can every understand it hurt me in ways that I can’t even begin to understand. So I talk about it, that’s my right to do so. I get sad about it, I have that right and personally I’m starting to feel like if me being unhappy because I’m having flashbacks or panic attacks makes you uncomfortable then that’s your fuckin problem not mind. I did not ask to be raped, I did not ask to be molested, I didn’t ask for other people to use and hurt me. I didn’t ask for my family to hurt me or be the way that they are towards me. I cry because I've earn that right to cry whenever the fuck I want to. I've earned the right to be sad whenever the fuck I want to. Over the past 20 years I've earn the right to have a couple of bad fucking days and you or no one else can take that away from me. I have the right to have my emotions and feelings change whenever they do.

 My healing has no damn time limit. I don’t care anymore that I've been dealing with this for 10 years because I realized something; it’s going to take more than 10 years to even begin to fix it. In fact it can’t be fixed; it can only be incorporated in to my life. However long it may take for me to do this it is ok. If anyone ever tells you that you’re taking too long to heal look them dead in their eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves. Tell them that they can tell you how long to take to heal when they’ve been raped, tell them when they can live your life then they can tell you what to do, look them straight in the eyes and tell them to either be by your side or get the fuck out of your life. I wish I would have said that to my ex-husband when he told him how long it’s taking me to heal. Like if that’s not the biggest bullshit I've heard in my life after my dad telling I disappointed him after I was raped. I don’t think people understand how much words really do hurt. And you sit there and repeat those words in your head and try to justify it, you try to make sense of the words but you’re just wasting your time thinking about it because what that person said to you will never make any logical sense. If I could hurry this process along and get better faster don’t you think I would have done it already? Like seriously think about it, who in their right minds want to feel their rapist inside of them every day? Do you really think I want to live the rest of my life this way? Because if you do then you’re sicker than I thought you were.

These women aren’t victims; they are serving their child up in a sexual sacrifice in order to keep their home and their man. The woman, who would not allow her little girl to play with my neighbor, is also no victim. She is the typical person who “doesn’t want to get involved with that kind of thing” and considers the child as the dirty one, and not to be played with.

I can’t wait to move out of here. It makes me sick to my stomach staying here. Every morning I wake up feeling like I’m sick to my stomach. I’m still in school how my NM allowed her son (a pedophile) move into the house with her granddaughter. My daughter is with me 100% always but I still don’t understand any of it.

I've never met such a more selfish person in my life. To choose an adult who you know for sure has done these things over your grandchild. Yeah its official, you were never a mother to begin with, just someone my father had sex with. I don’t believe in putting down people at all but my NM makes me sick.

I now understand that she knew I was being molested and she knew the person who did it. My NS told me last year how both her and NM knew I was molested and they knew the boy who did it. It didn’t click in my head then but it did a couple of weeks ago. I was thinking about how I was acting after it happened. I would cry all the time in school and no one wanted to play with me but the only person who wanted to play with me was the boy who molested me and my teachers made me be nice to him and play with him which only made me cry more in elementary school. I started not doing my homework and not paying attention, I had to go to speech therapy because I couldn’t say certain words after I was molested. They put me in the slower classes because they thought I wasn’t catching on to things, my grades went down a lot and I was having behavior problems so when I would get home from school I was punished.  NM would always ask me what the hell was going on with me, how I need to get my act together or I won’t have any toys for Christmas or I won’t be allowed to play outside with my friends.

Her threats didn’t really do much, she had already threatened to chop off my hair when I was 5 so anything she said after I just ignored. I would take things from my neighbor’s house hoping my mom would ask me if anyone was touching me again but she never did. Then she put me on a diet. I would eat so much in elementary school all the time. I still wasn’t overweight but she thought I was fat and needed to lose weight.

I don’t understand how a child can go up to their mother and tell them what’s wrong with them and what’s bothering them and the mother gives no response back. She never answered my letters I wrote her, she never came to me even after I came to her and tried to talk about it; she just shut me out and basically wiped her hands clean of me. I remember the look on her face when she did it. I was 17 and had already been in the abusive relationship with Frank and had been raped by him more times than I can ever count and she just didn’t give a damn.

She let Justin come over to our house even after she knew he was the one who molested me; she still let him come over and made me play with him. After I was in high school I decided I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. I got tired of being forced to play with the boy who hurt me so I stopped. Of course I got cussed out by my mother and father for not playing with him and hurting his feelings. FUCK HIS FEELINGS he hurt my vagina and my butt. I don’t give a fuck about his feelings. NM does give a damn about what happens to me or my daughter, that is so evident now but it’s also the saddest thing ever.

My “mother” wants nothing to do with me unless I bow down to her and make her happy. What child should have to live a life like that? This has me thinking about who I can turn to as a role model (female). I don’t look up to my NM and my father isn’t here anymore but then he sided with her no matter what the situation was. I’m not close to my NS because she’s turned into a younger version of my NM.

My NM didn’t protect me from being molested; she didn’t care what happened to me. And she doesn’t care about her granddaughter. This is the most devastating thing that could ever happen (her son moving into the house).  This was my breaking point, everyone has a limit that they can be pushed to and this is it. I made a promise to myself when I got pregnant that I would do everything in my power to prevent my daughter from having to go through what I went through as a child. Like how in the hell could you let a damn pedophile move into your house, start his own business in your basement without a license and have different people in your house that you don’t know all hours of the night?

I’m just so beyond sick of dealing with this bullshit. I never wanted to move back to this fuckin hell hole to begin with and again no one fuckin listened to me when I bitched and cried about it until now. And guess what it’s too late now. No one took me seriously when I said my mother treats me the way she does. 26 years I've been dealing with this shit and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m lonely and I feel like I’m going through this alone. Like everything is piling up just to see how much I can hold at one time. Every night I just feel like crying my eyes out. The lonely feeling that I have, I can’t explain but I feel like I’m walking through this by myself and all I can’t is to be held, for someone to just tell me that everything is going to be ok,  I just want everything to be ok. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this without breaking down. I’m staying strong, I’m trying to be strong but I can’t do it forever. Mentally and emotionally it’s draining the life out of me. It’s a constant battle in fighting on top of everything else that I’m dealing with right now.

I started my period almost a week early because of all the stress. I didn’t pms at all so that whole angry part of me that I usually get out is still inside except now I just feel so emotionally and vulnerable and sensitive. I just feel like I could lay down and cry my eyes out. I’m still missing my dad even more now than ever, I don’t usually get sleep at night because I’m so worried about my daughter and our living situations(moving in January) it’s just a lot that’s going through my head especially with therapy  I do have a lot of my plate right now. I’m just tired……….

But a mother without compassion, who fails to forge a bond with her daughter, provides for that daughter only when it is in the mothers best interest. Her daughter thus learns that she can’t depend on her mother. She grows up apprehensive, worried about abandonment, expecting deceit at every turn.

Therapy is getting harder and harder every day, but not in a negative way. The more I get into it, the more that it uncovers and I have to face it head on. all the things that I have been avoiding for the past 10 years, everything I’ve been trying to sugar coat so that I can feel better, my own personal issues and problems and things that I’ve swept under the rug to survive I’m facing right now. It’s not a bad thing at all; actually it’s kind of like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days but the good days are becoming so much better than the bad ones.

Since divorcing my family I feel free. Like I have no ties to them, they can’t hurt me anymore, especially my “mother”. I’ve took my power back. This whole time I thought I was supposed to take care of her, I felt like the mother until one day I started cooking for just me, and my daughter. I had gotten tired of feeling unappreciated. I would clean up after everyone, and cook 4 course meals every day and i was the only one eating it. One day I just cooked for me  and she came up to me and was like whens dinner ready. I said I don’t cook for everybody anymore because no one eats it. The food I cooked all last week is still sitting in the refrigerator. (By then I had stopped cooking for everyone for at least a week and she didn’t even notice.) Without a second thought, she went up to my “sister” and asked her to cook her dinner. (She went in there and cooked her dinner like she was her slave, my mother just sat there on her ass like a queen on her throne).  It was like no matter what I did or how hard I tried to make her happy or love me, I couldn’t force her to do it. And that’s when the hurt began. But the truth also started to come out also. I had opened my eyes up to her and realized that she doesn’t give a damn about me or anyone else; she only cares what you can do for her. She will die that way too. I’ve already accepted it and that’s ok. I’m an adult now; I don’t have to answer to her. I still respect her until the day she dies, and along with that respect comes my right to divorce my mother and my family.

Yes I said it and I don’t care what anyone feels about it. You don’t live my life, you don’t live in the same house as me and no one will ever understand it unless they have dealt with a Narcissist before. Growing up wasn’t physically abusive as it was more emotional abuse from my mother. I will still never understand why you would tell a 5 year old that you’ll cut off her hair if she flips it again. My “mother” is not a mother. Any woman can have a kid, it takes a real woman to have a connection with that child and want them to succeed in the world. It’s always some half ass excuses with her when you confront her, or shell twist your words and pretend like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. If you get the best of her one time, shell go back and tell everyone you both know how much you hurt her and how she doesn’t understand why you don’t love her when its actually her that hurt and betrayed you.

And the funny thing is, it’s not like I never tried having a relationship with my mother, I tried up until this year and I got sick of her shit. In high school I wrote her letters telling her what was going on with me and what was bothering me and how I needed her. She never responded back, the conversations that we had, she ignored and changed the subject and tried to blame me for her own actions. Or my favorite apology of hers is “if I hurt your feelings then I’m sorry”. I’m telling you that you hurt me so why can’t you say I’m sorry that I hurt you and leave it at that. Every excuse you make after that defeats the purpose of even apologizing. If my daughter keeps coming to me saying she hurt and she needs you there and that I was hurting her feelings but not accepting her then I would stop what I was doing to try and fix the problem.

 This year I even told her why I was upset and the things she did, like leaving the hospital and not being there for me after I was raped and apparently according to her it’s my fault that she doesn’t want to sit in the hospital all night. And of course my Narcissistic sister took my mother’s side saying how when I was in high school I had this attitude that I can do it by myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help. Geez………I wonder where I picked that up from, maybe because I had to do it by myself in school as much as a begged for my mother to be there for me she wasn’t. She didn’t feel like going to any of my graduation activities, she sure as shit didn’t want me to pick the activities I wanted to be in like chorus. Because she doesn’t feel like doing all that driving around( Ummmmm……..news flaws, you weren’t the one driving me anywhere dad was while you stayed at home because you didn’t feel like seeing me sing) hell she didn’t want to take me to get tampons but you can make a drug run. HA don’t make me laugh.

I took the blame for every negative thing she’s ever done to me, I made excuses for her so that I could survive knowing that my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She told me to my face she didn’t care if we had a relationship and I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. Still holding on to hope that maybe one day she might change her mind and want to be my mother. And now that I think about it, it’s actually really sad, knowing that my “mother” wants nothing to do with me, only what I can do to make her happy. 

I am jealous of the relationship that my “mother” and “sister” have. It’s like they can talk about anything and she listens. They watch movies together and talk and when I tried to do that with her (after my dad went into the coma) it’s like I was being a bother to her and she ignored me. I now I’m grown but I did feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. You shouldn’t feel that from your own mother. She’s supposed to be there for you but mine was not and never will be. I feel like if I have to kiss her ass and suck up to her and sacrifice my daughter and husband to make her happy then I don’t want to have any relationship with her. It’s like to have a relationship with my mom I have to do what she tells me to do and let her raise my daughter and let her do whatever she wants. That’s not going to happen and I would never call a “woman” like that my “mother”.

As a parent now I understand that parents do make mistakes, they aren’t perfect, they fuck up; I’ve fucked up as a parent too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; the shame comes when you put it on your child instead of on your own actions. Children rely on their parents a lot, especially daughters on their mothers. When you grow up without having that emotional connection with your mother you don’t know who you are as a woman.  You don’t know what you like, you don’t have self-confidence especially if it’s been taken from you by the person who was supposed to protect you and that’s a hurting thing to realize and deal with and try to fix, especially if you realize this when you’re an adult.

It’s like starting all over again from the beginning and learning what you should have known when you were a child. It wasn’t my fault. I sat there and thought about how her childhood was but then I realized that her mother was always there for her whenever she needed it. Because at first I thought she hated me because of her childhood until I realized that she didn’t treat her son or her other daughter how she treats me. Maybe it’s because I look like her, or because I don’t kiss her ass anymore and actually tried to stand up for myself when I was a kid but whatever it was, it started in elementary school and got worse from there. She chooses to act the way she does, no one makes her do it and the fact that she’s aware of what she’s doing only lets me know that it is a conscious choice. 

 

I’m putting the blame back where it belongs on her. She was the adult, I was the child, you are responsible for how you treated me, not me and not someone else, only you and with that I’m letting go of you.

I wish that you were here to celebrate together I wish that we could spend the holidays together, I remember when you used to tuck me in at night With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight. I thought you were so strong you’d make it through whatever, it’s so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this, and everyday life goes on like, “I wish I could talk to you for a while". Miss you but I try not to cry, as time goes by…….

The holidays are coming up and I’m feeling beyond sad right now. I have a lot going on with me right now. The new job is wonderful and I love it, I’m just so glad that I’m back to working again. On another note, my “brother” moved back in and were moving out. I have officially divorced my “mother”, “Sister” and “brother”. I don’t have any negative feelings at all because I really don’t care what they do anymore. Especially since you let a child molester move into the house with your granddaughter/ niece and apparently don’t have a problem with it I’m done. They are doing the things that my father didn’t want them to do and they know it. And then my “sister has the nerve to talk about our dad. So when was he our dad when you and mom decided to lie to our faces about taking him off of life support and blaming the facility? They are so full of shit that I’m just done with all of them. 

I used to wish that my mother had died instead of my father but as much as it hurts I’m kind of glad it happened this way.  My dad was the only reason why I stayed in the county and even stayed in the house because I didn’t want to leave him alone with my mother. And now it seems like now I have no reason to be here anymore. I don’t want to be around anyone who is blood related to me but my daughter. It just seems like everyone else has been infected by my Narcissistic “mother” and “sister”. This whole situation just has me thinking a lot lately. I’m starting to see that I was just a pawn in their game and that they don’t really give a damn about my daughter because if they really did, her son wouldn’t be living in the basement right now. 

The allegations against him was when he was a teenager but the whole looking at child porn incident thing I saw myself and it just makes me so uneasy and disgusted with him and more of my “mother” and “sister” to even allow it to happen. My father kicked him out the house and told us in front of him that he wasn’t allowed to live in the house ever again because of it and now look what happens.

It also has me thinking of the day that we were supposed to take my dad off of life support. We went in and my “mother” and “sister” tried to tell me that the facility had messed up and scheduled an appointment for finical aid instead of with the doctors to take him off of life support. I foolishly believed them thinking that they wouldn’t pull some shit like this but it just never made sense to me why that morning my “mother” was bringing the papers that she brought with her last time we saw the finical aid people. Her response was oh I’m bringing it just in case. In the bottom of my stomach I felt like I was going to throw up because I knew she was lying and I knew they weren’t going to take him off. As much as my dad cussed us out saying that he never wanted to be on life support, how he doesn’t want to live like this and it’s going on 9 months now. But now he’s off of life support but still on the feeding tube, he’s in a vegetative state with no brain function at all and heavily medicated and can’t move. Who wants to live like that? And yet they are walking around like nothing’s wrong. She’s telling everyone that he’s doing fine and talking about rehab. Am I stupid or can someone please explain to me how the fuck you rehabilitate someone who’s in a vegetative state?

I’m just sick and tired of dealing with them. I’m so much healthier without them in my life. I just really miss my dad a lot and the holidays are making it so much harder…..

She’s heard stories of Vietnam vets who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs She’s wondering how many women are walking around this world feeling the tingling of their amputated wings, remembering what it was to fly, to sing

I’m just really tired right now. This whole month has been so depressing and emotional and I don’t know why. I just feel like crying all the time. I sent off for my police report when I tried to press charges against Banky. Ugh just saying his name makes me sick to my stomach. It just seems like everything is falling apart. The more help I get the worse things become around me. I keep second guessing myself about what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I have to do it I have to speak out about what’s happening. It still feels like I’m carrying around this deep dark secret and its tearing me apart inside. I’m scared about publicly speaking about what happened. I’m scared that people I called my friends won’t want nothing to do with me anymore. I’m scared that ill push everyone else away. I’m scared that I’ll never get over this.

Therapy isn’t going well at all. Every time I need someone to talk to everyone is busy so by the time that someone ask me what’s wrong or what’s bothering me I don’t really have anything to say because I don’t feel that same feeling anymore. I feel as though people just ignore my feelings, I feel like I’m sacrificing my soul. And right now I’m actually starting to think that something is seriously wrong with me mentally. I think it’s my hormones again. I’ve been keeping track of my emotions and something just seems so off with that and my eating habits.

This has just been such a bad year and I can’t stop thinking about my dad, I just wish this whole thing was over. He doesn’t want to live his life suffering, not knowing what’s going on around him. He has no function in his brain and yet my mother still won’t take the feeding tubes out. The doctors keep telling us that he’s not going to come out of the vegetative state. And it’s been 8 months and no one is listening to me and I can’t do anything about it. She didn’t care about him while he was around so why are you making everyone else (including your husband) suffer.

It’s just a lot of stress going on right now. My Grandfather (I’ve known him since I was 5 and he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a grandfather) died last night. Death always comes in 3’s. Its only October and the year isn’t even over. I’m tired of trying to hide my tears. I’m tired of crying in the bathroom. I’m tired of just letting go of one tear at a time and hiding the other tears. I’m just tired of having sad feelings.