A Black Woman Surviving Rape: I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wish that I can take the pain. This pain and suffering out of your life. Now I'm here in memories of how things how used to be, Can't hold these tears from falling from my eyes. Can't hold this hurting inside. It's gonna be hard, God take my heart 'Cause I don't want it anyway. I don't think that I can take, Feeling this hurt, I'm feeling the worst. Lord give me one more chance, Let me do all I can, 'Cause I don't wanna say Goodbye...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wish that I can take the pain. This pain and suffering out of your life. Now I'm here in memories of how things how used to be, Can't hold these tears from falling from my eyes. Can't hold this hurting inside. It's gonna be hard, God take my heart 'Cause I don't want it anyway. I don't think that I can take, Feeling this hurt, I'm feeling the worst. Lord give me one more chance, Let me do all I can, 'Cause I don't wanna say Goodbye...

I’m tired and I just want to cry. It’s been a bad day and even worse year. I can’t say how much I miss my dad right now. I’m just so exhausted and tired of crying over it. I’m tired of crying knowing that he’s still suffering, I’m tired of crying about how he’s not here anymore, I’m tired of crying over he will never hug me again and it hurts just a little bit more than heartbreak.

I haven’t really been feeling too good all day, tomorrow is thanksgiving and he’s not here. He’s not here bugging me about what I’m cooking; I miss him telling me to find out what time Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is coming on. It came on today and I had it set for auto tune to watch but I couldn’t watch it by myself, I tried, I cried.

I’m trying to be strong but it just feels like every time I feel ok and I accept it, it’s like being shot in the stomach again and reality sets in. some days I think that he’s just on a really long vacation and then I walk by the living room and see his jacket and I want to put it on but I don’t want to forget what he smells like. I’m starting to forget what his smile looked like so I try to look at pictures but that only makes me cry harder and I feel sad instead of happy. I had forgotten what my dad sounded like until I forgot that I had a video of him singing Oh Christmas tree to our tree. I’m so happy that I found that video, it’s the last thing that I have left of him.

It’s such a depressing and lonely feeling. Some days I want to lie in bed and just cry until I feel better instead of pushing myself to stay up all night trying to relax so that I can cry. I’m just tired and I miss my dad more than I can even being to explain………….

2 comments:

Shadow said...: G.R I am sorry to hear that you are missing your dad so much.I hope you find solace. we all are with you. Never think that you are alone with your pain :(...People leave cuZ they have to leave one day or the other, we can't stop that right? so why to tarnish and taint the good moments we spent with them, in the past, by crying over them and feeling sad. G.R i am sure that your dad loved you very very much and he'd feel very sad seeing you crying/ fighting so hard .
Take gentle care of yourself <3; November 25, 2012 at 12:32 AM
JBR said...: Iam sorry for your pain. Safe hugs.; November 27, 2012 at 10:53 AM

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Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.