All malignant narcissists are inveterate snoops, busybodies, gossips and liars. They are constantly on an expedition to pry information out of you. The information is always used to manipulate you; embarrass you; frame-you; damage your reputation; control you; blackmail you and come between you and the people and things you love. Zip those lips up tight. Play your mental cards very close to your vest and protect your borders.

So I'm not looking forward to writing this list but I know that I have t

So here goes....I'm writing a list of everything wrong my mother has done to me. It's a way of letting my pain go and moving forward with my life and dealing with the emotions.

          ***Some of the things in the list may not be in the right order and most of them I don’t remember the age I was when she said these things but for the bigger issues I do remember the age.

·         At 5 years old, I was in kindergarten and I had flipped my hair over my shoulders with my hand. She flipped out and told me I wasn’t a white girl and if I ever flipped my hair again she was going to cut it all off. *The whole walk home she kept making a mockery of what I had did.

·         After I was molested I had started crying a lot in school because no one would play with me and the only person who wanted to play with me was the boy who molested me. The teacher would make everyone else play with me and the kids started calling me cry baby. When a note got sent home to my "mother" she told me stop being so sensitive and whenever I would cry she would call me a cry baby.

·         At my 5th grade graduation she took us "shopping" and picked out the ugliest dress she could find along with doing my hair how she wanted to do it.

·         In 5th grade I started my period so that summer I had cramps for the first time and cried the whole time and layed in bed with my dad. She got mad and started calling me cry baby again, when my dad said something to her she threw a tantrum and stormed off.

·         The summer of middle school I started listening to pop and boy bands. She hated it, she hated that I read Seventeen and Teen. She hated that I didn’t listen to rap music. She would ask me why I was listening to white people music. She would always comment on the magazines I was reading. My sister read vibe, I read Teen. She would tell me I needed to stop acting white. That black girls don’t shave their legs or listen to white music. When I asked what white music was she had no comment. It got so bad that she told my dad that the only magazine I was allowed to bring home was black magazines.

·         I started bringing home black hair books and she got pissed off at that because I was spending so much time with my hair and I needed to do something else.

·         6th grade she took us shopping for school again and only got us 2 outfits. {I found out later on that my dad had given her $400 to take us school shopping. Between me and my sister we only spend $80.}. She picked out 2 outfits for me and one was all tan. I was on my period and didn’t want to wear a skirt or the color tan. I told her that I didn’t want to mess up my clothes. She made me wear them anyway and I ended up getting blood on them and had to wear my gym shorts home. When I got home she cussed me out for messing up my clothes.

·         When my dad would give us allowance my mother would always come in the room and try to make us feel bad because she didn’t have any money or she didn’t have any cigarettes and she never gave us the money back. One time she asked me for money on my birthday, I shoved it in her face and said I didn’t want anything else from her for the rest of my life.

·         7th grade I had tried out for All State Chorus and my dad took me all the way up to Carol County Maryland on his only day off, my sister went too and she didn’t because she didn’t want to sit in the car for that long ride. Even though I begged her to go, she wouldn’t move.

·         Growing up we had to beg her to spend time with us. She was always running around buying drugs from her friends and spending time with them.

·         One time I needed tampons and I told my "mom" and she said she didn’t have any gas in her car to take me. So my dad took me to the store to get tampons. When we got back home she says she has to go get Uncle and leaves in her car. She just didn’t want to take me.

·         Throughout all of middle school she never bought us clothes except for the 2 outfits we get once a year. She would take hand me downs and would pick out all the clothes I could fit and put them in her closet and told me I could only wear them if I lost weight.

·         When trying on clothes for the next school year she would always comment on my weight. How I had gained weight that year and how I had thunder thighs and people would make fun of me. Every time I would go back for seconds she would remind me how I didn’t want to look like rolly polly.

·         I stopped eating red meat and pork the middle of middle school and she got mad because the only thing I would eat was chicken, vegetables and icecream.

·         I had a chorus concert and my dad and sister went with me but she stayed home again because she didn’t feel like going.

·         During the summer she would make us read from the encyclopedia and write reports. When we were done with the reports and our summer home work for classes she still wouldn’t let us go outside and play. Her excuse was you need to spend some time at home. But she still wouldn’t let us out the house. All she would do is sit and stare at the T.V. and eat.

·         When I had signed up for chorus my freshman year she made me change it because chorus wasn’t going to help me with anything in my life. I took a sewing class instead.....I had been sewing since elementary school to the point I was making clothes from a pattern.

·         9th grade I started to wear weaves and she always had a comment about that. She would say that I was a fake person because I would do my nails too and wear makeup{I had to sneak it in the house because she would never let me wear it, she rarely let me wear lip-gloss}

·         She would say I looked like a clown with all that crap on my face and threatened me to take it off.

·         I had met my ex the end of my sophomore year so when I wanted to introduce him to my "mother" the first thing she said is why isn’t he black? Why can’t you date a black man? She ignored how old he was {22} but focused on his race.

·         11th grad I was in all Honors and AP classes and whenever I got on the computer she would cuss me out just to do it. My home work was all done, she wouldn’t let me leave the house, my sister wasn’t home, and I just wanted to get on the computer and she had no logical reason to keep me off on a Friday Night. My dad stepped in and she threw another temper tantrum and stormed off like a child.

·         Whenever we went to church people would ask me what I was going to do after school, I’d tell them and she would interrupt me and start talking about how my sister is going to Spellman after she graduates.{she was a sophomore at the time}

·         During choir at church when we would sing, she would always compare me and my sister and how we sung. How I was always quiet and my voice was shaky and I didn’t sound strong and loud like my sister.

·         She let her son live in the house. He’s a child molester and found nothing wrong with that. We got into a fight one day because he was looking at child porn on the computer and one of our neighbors came over to use the computer and a pop up came up. I told her that he can’t use the computer, she got mad and we start arguing back and forth. I and my father told her that if they find that on the computer we will all be in trouble and get everything taken away. When I told her I'm locking the computer and he can’t use it anymore she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall and told me it’s not my computer that he can use it if he wants to.

·         Senior year of high school I had principals honors and a 4.0. That wasn’t enough for her but she couldn’t pinpoint anything else to focus on.

·         When I bought her tickets to see my play she said she didn’t want to go.{she’s off on weekends and only work 15 hours a week}

·         She told me that I couldn’t go to my senior prom because they didn’t have the money for a dress or a limo. After I told them don’t worry about the dress or a limo all I need is money for the ticket. She told me they didn’t have the money, they had to pay the taxes on the house. My senior prom I spent cutting grass while everyone else was getting into their limos.

·         Two years later my father told me that my mom told him that I didn’t want to go to my prom. When I told her I never said that she tried to lie on me again and my father caught her in a lie and cussed her out for taking my prom from me.

·         I had my senior awards at night and couldn’t go because she wouldn’t take me. She asked me if I could find a right to my awards ceremony because she doesn’t feel like going {my dad was at work}. So I didn’t go, I ended up hanging out with my ex.

·         She tried to not let me to go senior week but my dad stepped in and gave me the money to go.

·         When I had signed up for Nursing that fall she tried to down talk me into being a medical assistant because she said it would be easier.

·         That summer I was raped, she wasn’t concerned about anything. She didn’t ask how I was; the first thing that came out her mouth was what did you do now. Then she asked me if I needed her to come to the hospital with me. What mother asks her child if she wants her to come to the hospital after being raped? Her and my sister tried to make excuses saying she asked that because of my attitude I had at the time. So what does my attitude have to do with a mother being at the hospital with her daughter again?

·         After my dad retired, I was paying for everything in the house because he had no income coming in at the time. I worked between 40 and 50 hours a week when I was 18 years old. As soon as my foot would hit the door step she would start screaming, wash the dishes, put the food up, this was all before I had walked into the house. If the dishes weren’t done by the time she wanted them done, she would cuss me out.

·         When I moved back home for the last time it only got worse. I had  paid off her car (it’s my car now) and she would let my sister drive wherever she want and she didn’t have a curfew. I was 21 and she gave me an 8:00 curfew on when I should have her car back.

·         My sister was failing English her senior year and got 2 proms, they brought 2 set of senior pictures with her and let her retake her pictures. I didn’t get a prom and I had to take my senior pictures with the cut I got from my ex on my face.

·         While I was pregnant she would always smoke in the house and around me until I started choking one day.

·         When I went into labor with my daughter she didn’t move, she didn’t ask if I was ok. My husband’s mother beat us to the hospital so she was in the room with us. My "mother" showed up 3 hours later and left because she couldn’t be in the room so she didn’t feel like sitting around in the waiting room all night waiting for me to have the baby.

·         She didn’t come see my daughter after she was born but only one time.

·         About 6 months after I had my daughter she commented on when I was going to lose my stomach and poked at the little bit of baby fat I still had from having a baby.{My "mother" is bigger than me}

·         Now that my daughter is older, she calls her thighs thunder thighs and says she has nappy hair. I stop her right there and tell her that if she ever says those things about my daughter again, she won’t have to worry about having a grandchild.

·         When she buys any types of gifts for me, she always buys the exact opposite of what I like. Shell buy gold earring and give them to me, knowing that I only wear silver and when I tell her I don’t wear gold shell say oh I didn’t know, she’s been saying oh I didn’t know for 20 years now.  And then she’ll take them and be like well oh I’ll take them then.

·         Shell buy clothes for me for Christmas that is 2 sizes too small and be like oh I thought they would fit.

·         My dad would give her 600 to spend on Christmas gifts just for my husband and sister’s boyfriend and well write down their sizes and everything and shell come back with a $10 pair of bed room shoes in the wrong size and claim that what she was looking for was too expensive(one year it was 2 regular long sleeve shirts, something you can get from Wal-Mart)

·         She'll buy my daughter boy clothes and say they were cute so I picked them up. Or shell buy sizes too small and again claim well this is the only size they had. She bought her socks in a size 6, my daughter is 17 months old

·         Ill cook something for  myself and shell go in there and eat it and be like well I didn’t know it was yours while she sat there and watched me cook it

·         Whenever we have a problem or do our "group" talks, it’s always my mother and sister against me. Until my husband steps in and they back down.

·         No matter what wrong she does in the house, everyone keeps making excuses for her. My father wanted to keep peace at all costs meaning I should just suck it up and continue to deal with the emotional abuse because she’s my mother and she’s always been selfish and she won’t change.

·         I tried to talk to her about what was bothering me in the past and she said she didn’t want to talk about it. Told me to my face that my feelings didn’t matter and that I was lying about what she did to me.