Where the fuck is my parole board? Where is my hearing going to happen? How many years do I have to serve before i’m free again?

If rape was committed in the per-pubertal stage then it will cause certain difficulty in understanding what sexual intercourse is really about. At puberty, rape becomes the determining factor of how sexual relationships should be. It has a remarkable effect on how the person expects sex to be later in life.

I don’t think I’ve every been so angry in my life. I don’t even know what to say or how to say it….

I don’t feel lost, I feel hurt, I feel like i’m carrying around blame that is not mine to carry but because of its results, i’m the only one who has to deal with them, he doesn’t.

People don’t understand what rape does to a person. They don’t fully understand that after it happens its not over. It could be a situation where a woman is raped, her rapist gets caught and put to jail for life, that doesn’t mean its over. There are so many different  layers that are under it all that it feels like you’re pulling them all the time.

Its such a stressful and painful feeling when you have to deal with the flashbacks and panic attacks especially when you’re in a relationship.

For me its embarrassing. Like how do you explain to someone that they did nothing wrong but you just had a bad moment. And then it gets to the point when it starts to affect your sex life and its not even your fault.

I don’t understand why we are the ones who are violated and put through hell and then still have to suffer through hell in our every day lives. Why we are the ones suffering with panic attacks and night terrors, affecting our spouses, our children, our families. Meanwhile they walk away free of charge.

Its not fair and i’m pissed the fuck off. This whole time I haven’t been angry at any of the men who raped me until now. Now its starting to affect my family and i’m angry. I’m the one having flashbacks while being intimate with my own husband. I don’t see how that’s a fair trade. Like I haven’t dealt with enough pain already.

I’m angry because I feel like i’m being punished for something that I had no control over.  I’m angry at them because I’ve worked so hard to get to this point and now I have to start over again.

I have enough things to read and research on, it feels like everyday week there’s another book added to my library of problems. Sometimes I feel like it would have been so much easier if he would have killed me instead of being toured right now. Some days I feel like I don’t deserve my husband because I think that it would be so much easier if he was with someone with out my problems. Sometimes I really do think that if given the option, most men wouldn’t date rape victims.


Today we were driving to run some errands. And it was warm and sunny outside. I’m sitting in the passengers seat having a flashback because it felt exactly how it did I was raped for the first time. The sun was in the same spot, the wind was blowing in the same direction and the air had the same scent to it. I blinked my eyes and saw my ex and me in his car driving up the road to his house. I had almost lost it until I touched my ring and snapped back to reality.

I don’t like the summer because of everything that happened between us, I
still remember it all…….

Me and my birth mother talked today only about the situation with my father. She cried, I didn’t because I know that she will forever be a narcissists, they show no empathy for other people, only empathy on how that person is going to affect them....

 I put on his coat as if he was wearing another one. I sat outside on The porch waiting for him to walk down the street from his daily Walks.

I blinked and realized that he’s not going to walk down that road.
I realized that he’s not here right now.

Every time I look at his car my heartbreaks.

It breaks because he’s not here. It breaks for the times I was angry at Him and slammed that door.
It breaks for the times he’s never ever turned his back on me.
It breaks because of everything he left for us.

It breaks worse than heartbreak.

The last time I saw him, he looked at me and opened his eyes.
And the look he gave me was saying to let him go

I didn’t tell anyone else about
This look because I did not want to discourage them.

I hear a car horn and turned my head looking for my dad and then I Saw his car parked in the driveway

Tears poured down my face
As I try to "keep it together"

His car.......
Every time I see a car like his
I get excited but I know it’s not
Him behind the wheel.....

i feel fat, ugly and very lost.....

My father had a heart attack on the 17. He had went to a clinic that morning because his stomach was upset. Turns out he had a mild heart attack there. So they took him to southern maryland hospital and he had a major heart attack there and coded 3 times. They flew him out to a different hospital where he had another major heart attack. He had tripple bypass surgery and is still on life support. That Wednesday he had another heartattack and was unresponsive for 33 minutes. So right now they don't know if he's going to make it. Tuesday they said that they were going to give him until this Friday to respond to not being sedated. They don't know how much brain dage he's suffered or if hell even wake up. He's in a coma.

I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm hurting. I'm trying to stay strong for him and my daughter but it just hurts so much. I just want to cry all the time because my dad isn't here. I miss him being at home and bothering me. It really hurt me because today my daughter was looking at a picture of my dad holding me as a baby and I said you see pop pop. And she looks at me and crawls towards the bedroom door to try to get it open so she could see him. And the terars just came from my eyes but I held them back. And I had to tell her pop pop isn't here hunny he's in the picture. She looks at me and starts to cry and trys again to get the door open.

The past two weeks have been hell for me. I've been sinking into depression but I catch myself from going there. I'm trying not to cry now but I keep telling myself that everything will be ok. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was for my dad to come home....he's my everything but it will be ok....

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so i had an epiphany...........

When i was raped i had lost my faith in God. I had lost hope in him. I have always had it in the back of my head that God would always keep me safe. That he would always protect me from bad people and thats not true. He gives us free will. He can not stop free will or jump in to intervene. I couldnt understand why he would let babies be raped and molested. But until i truely understood what free will is. He has the power over life and death. Thats when he intervines. And thats when i realized that i didnt lose my faith in god it was my faith in man and i had lost.....'>So i had an epahany.....

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Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, are often the most sensitive? Did you know that those who spend all their time taking care of others, usually need someone to take care of them? Did you know that 3 of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry and Help me.

I'm really exhausted, all these new emotions I'm having are trying to break me down. I habe to admit that it is very tiring and overwhelming at times. But I do feel like I'm going to be ok in the end.

On another note I've decided to end the "relationship"(because you can't have a relationship between a narcissists due to the fact they only think of themselves) with my narcissists mother. I've come to realize that someone that selfish and self centered, who lacks empathy. And refuses to change is not worth my time. The only thing she was good for is giving birth to me. In her atempts to raise me and my sister she was selfish and still is, she's a habitual liar and to this day twists the words of other people around to make it seem like she's the victim and everyone else is the bad guy. Lying to us about things going on in the house and then going back and telling our father the exact opposite. So many times her lies have come back in her face with all three of us confronting her and all she does is twists our words, or deny ir, bring someone else into the conversation or projects it. When she does apologize shell say I'm sorry but you were acting this way or that way or shell pull the half ass apology where she say if I hurt you I'm sorry. Now when someone told you that you hurt them why would you offer a bullshit apology like that?

I don't trust anything about her, I don't believe anything she says, I don't believe anything she's feeling. If she were to come up to me today and started crying I would walk away. She's fake, she's good at wearing masks and acting like she cares. But because a lot of people don't understand what narcissism is and how narcissists behave, when you try to tell other people what's going on they don't believe you, especially when they know that person and don't live with them. Narcs are very good at impressing other people and its hard to see the truth.

What cracks me up about my mother is her gift giving. She knows what size clothes I wear and what I like. So what she does is she will buy me things for christmas and buy my clothes 3 sizes smaller than what ill wear or shell buy them 4 sizes too big. After I tell her don't buy me anything. And then has the nerve to bitch about it when I throw the shit in the trash. What am I going to do with it, its too small for me and too big for my sister, you should not have bought them. Then she will keep buying me gold earrings when everyone knows I wear silver. Or she will buy big hoop feathered earrings knowing I don't wear them. She buys for herself so when you don't like her gift she gets to keep it. The worst part is; she does it to my daughter. She buys her clothes that are way too big for her to wear that will take her 5 years to grow into. Her excuse is that's the only size they have. Such a damn liar, cut the bullshit lady. Can we say psycho???????

My father is constantly making excuses for her behavior and why she acts the way she does. I'm like stop sticking up for her when she's wrong. Say something to her. He's like get along with your mother, she's like that to everyone. Ok so I'm suppose to still get along with her even though she treats everyone like shit? I don't think so and just because you may do it to everyone that doesn't make it right. His whole thing is your family and you should stick together no matter what. Yeah ummm I don't think so, if that's really you're opinion and how you feel does that apply to someone elses family where a child is being molested by a family member? Its ok for it to happen because they are family. When you don't stand up for the person who's being hurt and you're just standing by looking and making excuses then that means you agree with the abuser. And that makes you just as bad if not worse than them. If someone is hurting me I have a right to leave, as a human I have a right to stay away from that person, I have a right to not talk to them as long an I need and not be harassed by other family members. I refuse to be a victim all over again and yes I'm willing to let go of family members if it comes down to it. My health and sanity comes over your happiness.

So I'm really happy and excited to start my new life without her. Its already feeling better and a lot more positive.

But the reason I came on was because my body hurts. I was looking in the mirror last night and saw the scars on my back from when frank beat me. I was in total shock when I saw it because I was going to get my first tatoo on my back until I noticed the bruises and that's when it bothered me. I had felt sad and ashamed because of the bruises. I was scared because of when I went to get my tatoo that everone was going to see the brusies and ask me what happened. But then I thought to myself I'm getting a sexual assault and domestic violence tattoo on my back why not have it near my wonderful scars to show I survived? Yay me I'm actually starting to make a negative into a positive.

So on to the nightmare I had yesterday morning. I was dreaming about the end of the world and the myans prediction about 2012. This whole thing started because I had a pic as my wallpaper on my phone and I guess it was the last thing I looked at. A friend had got this pic off of fox weather page and it was seen in ga I do believe.

Who ever knew a simple common action could take you back years.

So.........

I was lying in bed this morning trying to get my daughter to go to sleep. So I petted my pillow trying to get her to lay her head down and as soon as I did it, I have the most vivd flash back I can ever remember.

The actual flashback was only like a second but it felt like hours. I had a flashback of frank laying down with just his underwear on and petting the pillow. He use to do it all the time before he raped it. It was like his secrete signal for me to come over because I knew what would happen if he had to get up.

But I saw the color of it, the pattern of the sheets on the bed, I remember exactly what I had on and how my hair was. I felt the expression on his face the way his beard looked and felt and that emptyness at the bottom of my stomach.

I ummmm.......its hard just even writing about it, my hands are shaking I'm getting hot and my body is getting so irritated. Ugh the only thing I want to do is scream. But for me I scream through my words. It took me over 12 hours just to even get up the courage to write about it. Because I know if I actually put it down on paper then id have to deal with it.

But yeah I'm still shaken up about it. But I'm really glad that at the second I hit my hand on the pillow my daughter started laughing at me and banging her head on the pillow and snapped me out of it. Thank God she's my saving grace.

Sometimes I feel so bad about having panic attacks and flashbacks around her because I feel like I'm letting her down. I feel like I should be strong enough for her and me. And then I take a second to breathe and realized that I am so much stronger than I think.

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My birthday and the events around it.

I know I haven't been posting a lot lately I just haven't found the time. I do have my journal that I have been writing in and I just uploaded the blogger app to my phone so hopefully that will make it a lot easier for me to blog.

I have a lot going on right now. I still haven't went into the details about Franklin and myself but I'm slowly getting there.

We all have our own triggers. Something that sets us off, weather its a sound a scent or a noise. I'm very sensitive to certain months. I met Frank(my hand was just shaking as I typed that name out I felt like I was going to throw up) in February when we first started talking. It was around the 10th because he got me roses for valentines day. (I despise roses now) but our first date was march 14 because his birthday was on the 10th and mine is the 24th I remember we went to see bringing down the house with Queen Latifa and Steve Martin.  We went back to his car and just kissed. Ummmmm he was my first real serious boyfriend and he was older. I was turning 16 that year and he was 22. I felt excited because an older guy liked me. None of the guys at my school did because of the way I looked. I was short, big butt and breasts I had thighs no waist or stomach, I didn't talk like the other black girls and I was in all the college classes and I was in theatre. So ummmmm yeah that first feeling of attention is a dangerous thing.

Anyways its like the past couple of days I've just been so overly emotional, like I felt like I had lost something but I didn't know what it was. Like I feel like crying at stupid things and even the not so stupid things.

Yesterday morning I had a nightmare about frank and my ex-husband and his bestfriend were in it also. It started out as I had to take some kind of test for a grant for school and I was suppose to be there at 2pm so I kept hitting the snooze button because I was tired and didn't want to get up. So he woke me up and was angry because I had overslept and we had to rush to get there. For some reason we were driving to the mall(it was where I had met frank and that same day he raped me for the first time) well it looked exactly the same way it did that day the same cars sounds and everything. Well we picked up his bestfriend and my ex-husband was mad at me because I didn't want to take the test. We started to go to mcdonalds and when everyone was getting in the car I thought I was driving but he sat in the drivers seat and I had to squeeze behind him. He pushed his seat all the way back and I started to panic and jumped out the car. I was on the same side of the mall that frank had picked me up at and I had saw his car sitting there. My ex got out the car and started yelling at me until I started crying when I told him that frank was sitting there but didn't see him. And that's when I woke up from the dream in total shock. My daughter was sleeping beside me and I woke up sweating and ready to cry.

I feel like bawling my eyes out right now because I know that he hurt me on purpose. That he tried to get me pregnant on purpose. It hurts and its sad because I'm actually dealing with and coping with what he did to me. Every single time he raped me I write about it so I don't hold it in. Its hard but ummmmm yeah.....

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Just a simple Thought

Ughhhhhh it sucks that I have to keep a notebook and pen by my bed just to get all the hurt out. It’s really cool how it’s coming along but it always seems to hit me before I fall asleep. Well at least now, I can rest with a free and relaxing spirit.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. She who loves roses must be patient and not cry out when she is pierced by thorns.~Kenji Miyazawa~

I had spent 30 minutes crying my eyes out because of my daughter. After dealing with my own molestation and emotional neglect from my family. I realize that I cannot protect her forever. That I can’t hold her hostage for the rest of her life from the boogieman.



Then it hits me. Because of the ignorant world we live in, she could go through the same thing I went threw. That sickening feeling started to engulf my body then the tears started streaming down my face.


I do read up on child abuse and the prevention, warning signs, and all the pre-cautions. I know my daughter like a book, from head-to-toe and front-to-back. I am a firm and avid believer in I will always believe my child over everyone else, no matter what she says to me. As she’s turning 1, it just gets scarier every day.


Being a parent is the scariest thing in the world. I would give up my life, my heart, my world if it was a guarantee that it wouldn’t happen to her. While I was crying, I started having visions of what would happen if it ever happened to her. I saw myself asking my daughter,” Who touched you?” I saw myself in the dream hugging her tight, telling her everything will be ok. I had felt myself break down crying for her, trying to take her pain away. I’m so glad it was just a dream but it still hurt me to my heart.


People don’t truly understand what sexual abuse/violence [molestation & assault] does to the human spirit/soul. It takes a piece of inner most private places [that hiding spot only you are suppose to know of]. And rips it to pieces. That’s something that you just can’t get back. That piece of innocence that you had stolen cant be brought back. No one deserves that kind of life because it’s not something that you chose to happen, it’s not what you ever imagine, it’s not your fault. But living with a life sentence is an enough burden for an adult to bear, let alone a child.


What scares me is that it seems to run the family (Sexual Assault, Rape, Molestation) like its caner. Through each generation and it seems it’s still such an unspoken word. Nothings changing, nothing is being talked about. No one seems to want to acknowledge what’s right and what’s wrong.


The statistics say that 1 in 4 women will be raped/ assaulted by the time she is 18. I cry that I was that 1 in 4 for her. I plead to be that 1 in 4 for her future generations. My sorrows are so deep and worn in that I pray all the abuse that I had went through is enough to protect my own family and spread knowledge and awareness. My heart screams and beats just to be the 1 in 4 woman for her.

My tipping point was when I later found out why everyone left the hospital (while I was in labor, after only staying for 30 minutes). Because my mother didn’t want to sit in the hospital all night.

Lady you really can’t be serious. I’m in labor with your first grandchild and the only thing you can think of is what you don’t want to do.
And this, when I think about it, made me wonder what the hell is wrong with my mother. Seriously, all jokes aside what is mentally wrong with her that she can [chooses not to] function as an adult.

Through my long road to recovery, I realize that I will never be healed of the abuse until I find what the root of the problem is. And that would be my parents, especially my dysfunctional mother.

I had just learned that my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In some ways, we are all narcissistic but in a healthy way. She on the other hand pushes towards the evil side of the spectrum. She is a malignant narcissist. Which I will go into detail later on.

As I look over my childhood, I see how my parents dropped the ball with me [as my husband would say]. And this is 100% true. I’m just now coming to terms with this.

It’s just a relief to know that there is an explanation and that I am not crazy.

I feel that we {black women} should write because after all there are a lot of us out here that are hurting and don’t know where to turn and we keep it bottled up.

So I’m still trying to manage being a mother, a woman and a blogger. But I can say that it is getting easier every day

I have been writing about the assaults and rapes in details that way I can finally get it off my chest. The only way I feel I can have peace in my life is to actually tell what happened. It actually really doesn’t matter if anyone reads my blog, I know it’s someone out there who will benefit from me writing my story.



The one that kills me the most was when my innocence was stolen from me by my ex. I was in a relationship {abusive} with him from 16 to 18. It’s something that has changed my life forever. As I look over each assault I see how it has shaped the woman I am today. Although it has caused me a lot of pain and worries, if I had the chance to go back and change a thing, I wouldn’t. And I have never been more proud and honored to say it and truly mean and feel it.

 So begins my process of healing…….



I thought I would always be known as the weave queen. I always thought that I would die with a head full of tracks on a permed scalp. I went nowhere without my weave. I had always spent hours perming, flat ironing, sewing, parting, covering up and curling my tracks. Just to look “pretty”. Thinking that all men, especially black, want their women with straight long hair, so I put my mask on and played the part.



When I started going natural it was the summer of 2007, I put no thought into how it made me look. Because I had the preconceived notion that I would be ugly and unattractive without straight hair. I thought I could turn men off. That no one would notice me…that maybe it will prevent me from being assaulted again….it didn’t. Up until a couple weeks ago, I kept it in my head that if I stay unfit, kept the baby weight and wear sweat pants, men wouldn’t notice me. That wearing my natural afro and a new mom shirt would be a complete turn off. Trying to make my self fat and ugly isn’t going to stop the looks, the stares or from being assaulted again. And that was my biggest fear.



In November, I started to lock up my hair. For some reason in my heart I felt like it was the right thing to do for myself. My soul and my mind felt like it was being healed and I could feel my spirit come back to life. I’m starting to feel alive again, like my purpose of being here is starting to show. It’s coming to me now.


My hair has always been my way to represent myself and stages in life. Growing dreadlocks represents my process to healing. Right now, it’s the beginning stages. I know I have to set up the foundation correctly or it won’t grow properly and the progress will be more difficult than what it has to be. This rule also goes with my healing too.


The reality is, my locks aren’t going to look fresh everyday. Some days it will be tangle up and ugly looking and others neatly polished and with clear parts. But it is a growing process that will need a lot of nurturing, intimate care, meticulous work and hours of much needed time. It is worth the effort even though some days it will feel like the tears and pain will never end. I can always look in the mirror and finally smile with my soul.

Mama said that some sacrifice comes without permission, that some sacrifice just comes without fair warning.That God can't always protect you from the boogieman so some baby girls will reach the pearly gates and she, she won't be tall enough to turn the handle. Mama said that some men, some men will just be too guilty to claim innocent with Christ. But what did, what did I do?

If you focus on the survivors of child sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, sexual assault, sexual harassment…, it’s NEVER complicated.” ~ Lisa Factora-Borchers

So I’ve been procrastinating for over 2 weeks now about writing this particular entry. It’s taken me that long to contemplate about weather I should even write about this but if I really want to do this healing process and get through to other survivors then the only thing I can do is tell it all, even if I have to cry and break down in the process….

I was 5 years old when I was molested. I first met him on the bus C-7. I can still remember the bus drivers name, an older white woman who was so nice, my father cried on my first day of school. We still tease him about that to this day.

At first he was my friend, we talked and sat on the bus together. There wasn’t that many kids in PM kindergarten who rode my bus, it was many 10 of us so the bus was empty most of the time. The first time it started I had on this dark pink polka dot  skirt with a matching top and pink shoe strings tied around my braids. He put his finger in my anus the first time. I don’t remember how I felt at the time. From then it just kept continuing.

Underneath the saddle on the play ground was when he put his finger in my vagina. After that incident in the classroom we were doing sand art and I had knocked over all the sand. I remember Mrs. Miller grabbing my arm and pulling me into the “circle” yelling at me how I had spilled the sand and that she didn’t have anymore for the other kids and what was she suppose to do now. The next morning my mother was getting me dressed for school and I remember her asking me has anyone been touching you and I said no. Me and him had rode the bus together for the next two years. All I remember is him putting his fingers in my vagina and anus until I finally got away from him in the 3rd grade.

“Come on, I’m not about to let a good man go down” Franco Harris Defense attorney for Joe Paterno.

The Penn State case is what made me tell about what happened to me. I just don’t understand why so many people are still naïve to what is going on. Everyone wants to blame the children instead of the adults.

I agree 100% that Joe Paterno should have been fired. I also agree that Mike McQuery SHOULD be fired. Why did McQuery watch Jerry Sandusky molest that little boy in the shower and not stop him? If you saw him touching that child and didn’t go over to grab the child? I understand that he reported it to his superior which was what he was suppose to do but were you thinking about the child? How could you walk away from that little child and just leave him there with that monster?

According to Penn States code of conduct, teachers/coaches only have to report sexual abuse to a higher authority i.e., their supervisor. Legally they are not held responsible after they report it. Now what I’m wondering is because they have this code of conduct ,doesn’t that give the university the free-way to deny that it was every reported? doesn’t it give them the chance to protect the coach? Keeping a good name clean?

People are so caught up with Sandusky and Paterno that they forget about the victims. This grown man has come out and said,” I was showering with a 10-year old boy after hours but we were just horsing around”. Seriously people? And you still deny it? Ummmm……this sounds like Michael Jackson and Never land Ranch in his backyard. What NORMAL adult man has an amusement park in his backyard for kids when he had no kids at the time? Stop being so ignorant and in denial about what’s really happening. OPEN UP YOUR EYES.

“Children who are sexually abused typically will not fully learn the developmental tasks they would otherwise learn during the period when the abuse occurs. Sexual abuse reduces children’s feelings of self-worth, often resulting in self-degradation and difficulty in accepting themselves. The children also lose a sense of their own competence, as the assault comes from a powerful force outside herself.” ****

After I was molested I remember always feeling so ugly and insecure. I cried all the time in school because people wouldn’t play with me. My teachers would send home a note saying I was crying again and my mom telling me to stop being so sensitive, stop being a cry baby.

I’m so happy my daughter is so beautiful and not “ugly” like me. Maybe she wont have to deal with being called ugly and people pretending to be nice to you just to use you. No I know I’m not “ugly” I just don’t feel “pretty”  some days. Being called ugly and fat for so many years does hurt and still to this day makes me teary eyes. My self confidence have gotten stronger over time, I just never realized it would take this long just to acknowledge the problem.


I remember having to go to school after I was molested. Going to PM kindergarten and still having to see him every day was the worst. He was just a year older than me but still twice my size.

I had just started to remember being molested when I was in middle school, 8th grade. Having to ride the bus and sitting behind him because we had assigned seats. That day I told my 2 best friends and having this sickening feeling at the bottom of my stomach when all these feeling came back to me.
It just amazed me so much how I could remember every little detail from when I was 5. From that dark pink skirt set with black polka-dots to the pink shoestring in my cornrowed hair. Its scary how at 5 years old I kept it inside and didn’t tell anyone for over 10 years.

He lived on my street, he still lives in my neighborhood. The molestation went on for over 2 years and I have just started to try to avoid him. I think the part that pissed me off the most is that the adult in the neighborhood knew that he was molesting other children and no one did anything to stop it. He has tried to rape someone I knew and assaulted him on many occasions. 10 years after he molested me, he started molesting one of the my friends little brothers. They were about to jump him and that’s when he moved away for a year but came back..

Years after it happened apparently my mother knew who was molesting me. That has got to be the biggest slap in the face yet. You would think because shed been raped by her brother she’s be more protective of her daughters but that’s just not the case. Is it wrong to me? Personally…..yes.
But I’ve learned to accept that I cant change how other people react to certain situations, I can only control me.

I believe the cycle of abuse begins and ends with the parents. What you say to your children will carry on into the next generation until someone stops it. Having an ignorant “back in my day this never happened” mentality helps no one. We all know about your “Uncle Russell” in the family which no one talks about but keeps inviting around all the kids and steadily ignoring the cries of your children. The rumors going around the family that you purposely try to keep a secrete.

So now at 25 a mother of a 10 month old girl I find myself scared out of my mind. So terrified that some monster will hurt her the way I was hurt. However I am doing everything possible to be as education as much as I can. When my daughter is old enough to understand I will teach her also.

Every time I look into her eyes I see such innocence that it breaks my heart. Knowing that I can’t possible protect her from everything in the world but I can do whatever it talks to keep that innocent look in her eyes until she chooses to give it away.

****Recovering from Rape by Lind E. LedRay, R.N., P.H.D

People don't ever seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

The area’s historical and contemporary racism might have made the local NAACP feel compelled to take the stance it did, says Lester Spence, an Africana studies and political science professor at Johns Hopkins. This is not the first time the NAACP has advocated for black men accused of sex crimes. The organization came under fire in 2008 for rallying around a group of black teens who gang raped a black woman and forced her to have sex with her 12-year-old son at the Dunbar Village Apartment Complex in South Florida. The NAACP held a rally supporting the accused that included fliers labeling the men “victims.” They were later convicted, and the main assailant received eight life sentences. The state NAACP issued an apology, but the national NAACP stood by its original stance.

There’s a difference between Silsbee and Dunbar Village, however, points out lawyer-turned-blogger Gina McCauley, who led the black feminist critique of the NAACP’s Dunbar Village stance:

[Hillarie], a young White woman, has infrastructure in place to advocate on her behalf, but the majority of the time when the NAACP is running around coddling and defending violent predators, the victims are Black women and girls who don’t have such support.

So on football Sunday I’m in a crappy mood. Its nothing personal just that ladies time and I’m trying to control my own anger as far as my emotions during that time. So I decide to get on the internet and do some researching and blogging just to get some things off my mind I guess.


I come across an article of this high school girl who was raped by a football player. While she was being raped, there were 2 witnesses outside who heard the girl say no and heard what was going on outside of that locked door. So to get the point of things when the case goes to trial the football player and the other young man involved in the rape plead to a lesser charge. They ignored what the witnesses had heard and never took that into account when it came to the victims testimony. She was put into a position to where either she had to cheer for the boy who raped her or get kicked off the cheerleading squad. The whole town had been harassing her and still does to this day.


Now what is with the victim blaming? When is it ever ok to rape a woman? Is it ok to rape a woman because she’s drunk? Is it ok to rape a woman because she’s showing skin? Is it ok to rape a woman because she flirted with you? Is it ok to rape a woman because she agreed to fool around with you but when it comes down to actually having sexual intercourse with you she said no? is it ok to gang rape a 11 year old girl because she “dresses” like she’s 20? Is it ok to rape a mother and then force her to have sex with her 12 year old son? All I want to know is when is it ok?


The funny thing about this is the NAACP. Every single time a black man is accused of rape they come out like flies on a pile of shit. So eager to defend his rights, claiming that they should have the same rights as white men. Now I’m not saying that black men should not have the same rights my problem is you are defending a man who gang raped a mother and forced her to have sex with her son and your issue is not that he did it, that he couldn’t get out on bail……am I the only one who sees a problem with this? I don’t see them flocking out to protect the rights of rape victims no but they will stand up for the black man.


Again with the victim blaming, this has gotten to the point where men accused of rape are now the victims and women turn into being the ones who turned them on/lead them on/knew what they were doing.
Rape(Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence) is the only crime where there is an “Alleged Victim.” You hear it constantly all the time on the news, all you have to do is turn the channel. It is the only crime where the victims behavior is being determined on weather or not the crime actually took place. I’ve said this a million times before, if you get robbed the police don’t come up to you and blame you for having money in your pockets at the time you were robbed. They don’t ask you why you were wearing your diamond necklace or why you had on $300 shoes. Yes they might comment on it but that’s as far as it goes and they move on with the case. No one blames them for having MATERIALISTIC VALUEABLES taken away from them. When a woman is raped, What was she wearing? Was she drinking? Why was she out alone? What was she doing in that neighborhood? Why didn’t she scream for help? Why didn’t she fight back? Did she lead him on? Why did she let him into her house?
People put more empathy when materialistic items are stolen then when a woman’s body is stolen from her. Why does money have a higher value then a woman’s body? Why do materialistic items have more value over a woman’s body? Doesn’t that pissed anyone else off other than me?


We need to stop protecting the perpetrators and helping the victims. Blaming the victims for what was DONE TO THEM doesn’t solve the problem, it only enables them to keep doing it over and over again. Seriously what does protecting them do? Do you knot want other people to know what’s going on behind close doors? Because rape happens its nothing to be ashamed of, the shame comes from those people who like to sweep it under the rug to try and cover it up, to keep a good name clean.

“I think the black family itself is just so different from the white family. When a black woman is rape, it kind of weakens her as the female part in that family”***

“I think you learn it from watching your mother. Not being taught, just watching. I know my mom, when she would so something and injure herself, she’d say, “Damn.” Then she’d wrap something around it and go back to what she was doing. She’d say, ”Blood coming through there, but got to keep going.”***

“Black women are quick to get up. They may not be ready to stand on two feet, but they do it. You know? They say, “Okay. I need to put this back together. Let me get up.” Say she had this beautiful porcelain vase and say that represents her life and it gets cracked by something like… like a rape. Boom--it splatters everywhere. A black woman would do something like--she would take something like rope and put those pieces back together. It may not be as pretty as the white woman’s vase--taking all that time to put crazy glue on every spot and put it all together real nice and pretty. It may not be pretty but it works just the same. That’s the way we go about putting our lives together. May end up having some kind of little drawback or maybe we have to deal with things like anger and controlling our temper, but we do it. It may not be beautiful, but it gets fixed fast. And it works.”***

Now what my question is does it work? Does it really work to quick fix a problem that big and expect it to work the rest of your life? What is so wrong with taking our time and trying to put the pieces back together again? So what if it takes a long time to individually put each tiny piece back? Wouldn’t that route work out better for us in the long run?

A lot of us take that route of temporarily trying to fix a problem and in the end it always comes back up and bites us in the ass.That vase eventually gets shattered again, even if its by something minor and minuscule.
Those thousands of pieces that were tied together by that rope shatter again.

How many times are we going to wrap a cloth around a broken bone and expect it to heal? Ignoring the pain only allows more time to pass while the anger manifests in your soul. Then you start taking it out on other people. Trying to do your daily, “normal duties” with that mask on your face pretending that nothing is wrong.

Just because we get raped, it does not make us weaker as women, as black women. Because we end up in violent relationships, it does not make us weaker as black women. What another person does to your body is their blame to carry around, not yours. IF you choose to seek help, you are NOT weak. IF you choose not to seek help, you are NOT weak.

Often times we rely on family for advise and how we should handle certain situations. Family IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. Just because they are related to you does not make their advice remotely right or even in your best interest. I have experienced this in a negative way. My family chooses to ignore my molestation, my rape, my feelings. They chose to try to keep it in the family, that infamous don’t air dirty laundry tactic that black families are famous for. Hell my father told me not to tell anyone about what happened. When I was raped and he had to come home from work the only thing he kept saying was what am I going to tell my job. Like he was ashamed because I was raped.

Now I find that very hilarious.

I know that families “try to keep your best interest at heart” it does not mean they are going about it the right way. It was always drilled into your head that family should be number one in your life and no one should come before them. THAT’S BULLSHIT to me.

My family only made my healing a more difficult process. Once I finally saw the truth and how they really were that’s when I started to change myself and didn’t care if they liked who I was becoming.
  My families ignorance is their own burden to carry not mine, I cant change anyone else but me. I choose not to be close to them because of that ignorance that was hurting me, that’s my own choice.

I’m not obligated to be involved with them just because we are blood and I think that’s wrong with black families now. When someone is hurting you stay away from them. SOME black families have this no matter how much family is hurting you or what they do to you still be involved with them. No, I don’t believe in that idea. If the victim doesn’t want to be around the person who has hurt them then they shouldn’t be criticized for protecting themselves.

We just need to open our minds and hearts and actually look and understand reality. Accept that black women get raped and its not their fault. Accept that black children get molested by family members and friends and its not their fault. Accept that some black men do rape black women and black men and its NOT the victims fault.

Stop being so ignorant and blaming the victims because you want to protect your family.

A Little Girls White Dress

My white dress has been
Covered in blood.
My beautiful white dress has been
Beaten so much
The back is ripped and its
Seam is torn.
My sparkly white dress is
Smudged whit unearthly prints
And stains that can not be
Removed.
My innocent white dress was ripped
Apart into pieces and
Carelessly put back together again.

I’ve tried to burn it, drown it
Pour alcohol on it to set on fire
And it still finds its way to the
Front of my closet
Dirty, fire stains, muddy, smeared with
Blood reeking
Of Jack Daniels, holding on by
A thread.

Sitting in front of what use to be
My white dress, I scream, I bellow
And finally I cry.

Realizing the blood, the torn seam
Smudges and pieces were only visible
To me.

The damage I had done to my own
White dress can be fix,
Even if I can get the blood out.
©Golden Rays

***Excerpt from Jacqueline a survivors of rape, the above quoted text was taken from the book “surviving the Silence Black Women’s Stories of Rape” by Charlotte Pierce-Baker

She's got eyes of innocence, the face of an angel, a personality of a dreamer, and a smile that hides more pain than you can imagine.

        So the past couple of days I’ve been sleeping ok. I haven’t really had any restless nights but I have had nightmares. It was nothing serious though, just petty irrelevant nightmares that really didn’t bother me they were just stupid. Last night I was just kind of irritated, we had the window open to get some fresh air but that didn’t really help me because I was still having hot flashes and I was restless and couldn’t get comfortable so I didn’t fall asleep until about 5:30am.

        When I woke up this morning I felt like total crap. I fed the little one, went to the bathroom then came back and say down on the bed to see if I could relax but I couldn’t. So I jumped in the shower. Like I had felt so dirty, like my vagina was dirty because of the rapes, my vagina started to hurt like the feeling I had after I had been raped so I got in the shower. I did feel a little better but not really. So I put on lotion thinking maybe that would make my body feel better but it didn’t. My skin felt sticky and I had still felt dirty, like there was nothing I could do to get that sticky dirty irritating feeling from off my skin. I had felt so disgusting with my body but I knew what was going on.

        I’m trying to pay more attention to my body and how it reacts to certain situations that way I can pinpoint what’s going on with me and how I can make myself more comfortable and relaxed. I can start to feel when I’m about to have a panic attack or a flashback and usually it helps me to really calm down and handle them without hyperventilating which is good. It is very annoying and embarrassing when my body feels like that sometimes. It feels like my body is betraying me but I know its not. I know that its apart of the healing process which sucks ass but im dealing with it. I’m trying to try out different ways of coping with what’s going on. When my body feels sticky and dirty I usually jump in the shower put lotion on and then baby powder. I know it sounds crazy but the powder does relax me and it does take that sticky feeling away.


      For me personally sometimes I do feel like I’ve been damaged, like there have been parts of me that were taken away that I cant get back and that hurts. Someone took a part of me that no one was suppose to see until I was ready to show them. It feels like I’m not “pure” anymore is the best way to put it. I use to have a really big problem with feeling like “damaged” goods and I’m still working on it.

The rain falls because the sky can no longer handle its weight. Just like 'tears' they fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain.

***“Only weak black women would have allowed themselves to be taken advantage of or, conversely, seeking therapy or other advocacy is what weak (or perhaps white) women do.”

I don’t really know how to actually begin but I started this blog over 3 years ago and I just happened to come across it again while I doing a search for black women surviving rape and this was the only thing I found. So I decided to pick back up writing because it does seam to heal my soul.

I was molested when I was 6 for 2 years, at 16 I was in an abusive relationship with my first serious boyfriend, Over a period of 2 years I was raped and beaten, he was 23 and I finally left him when I was 18. At 19 I was raped by a friend, i was assaulted again when I was 21, I was drugged and raped and only remember bits and pieces of it.

I am a 25 year old Survivor

And I’m still struggling with it all. I use to wish that none of that happened to me, I use to cry all the time about why does it keep happening, I actually thought that I was only placed on this earth to be used and abused and that was just something that I had got use to. I was use to being hit and raped and beaten and being called stupid and all the names. I was so use to it that it was the only thing I would expect my partners to treat me as. No one should expect that kind of treatment.

After putting everything on the table and looking over what I had been through I realized that I held everything in. I never cried during any of the attacks, I didn’t cry after the attacks. I put on my face and just held it inside. And it started to slowly kill me. It just hurt me so bad some days I couldn’t breathe. There have been days where I prayed to God that I would die, that I wouldn’t ever wake up because the pain that I held in hurt too much for me to keep living. I have thought about suicide, I have thought about jumping out the window, about crashing my car and hoping no one would find me. I had drank so much trying to die from alcohol poisoning.

Ummmm……it still hurts me, I’m trying now not to keep those feelings inside of me. And its not like I’m holding it in on purpose I just feel like I cant let them go the way I did when a friend raped me. I cried years after he raped me and it felt good. For me crying is my way of letting things go.

I feel like when I cry people think I’m weak. Like for them crying is a sign of weakness and it shouldn’t be done in public, like its something that should be hidden. My ex-husband has even told me why are you crying? Its not going to change anything so why are you doing it? My father told me the same thing. And I think women should be allowed to cry with out people questioning her. Black women should be allowed to show how hurt they are with out having a time limit put on them, with out being looked at as weak. Because that’s how I use to feel, like if I got everything out of my system and let it go and let my body relax and cry and then deal with it I’m a weak woman because I had a break down.

I’m just now starting to realize that breaking down isn’t musically a bad thing. As long as you put yourself back together again then its ok. As long as your not completely drowning in your misery and pain with out a life preserver then its ok. Everyone breaks down in their life, its just apart of being human.

I’m a SURVIVIOR who is still fighting. I’ve survived, I’m allowed to express my emotions the way I feel as long as I’m not hurting myself or anyone else. I should not feel embarrassed or ashamed for the way that I feel. And just because I ask for help, I am NOT weak. And because I cry, I am NOT weak.

Eventually I will go into details about my personal experiences with rape and domestic violence but this is just a stepping stone for me.

Until next time

***Excerpt from “If You Called to Say Yr sorry Call Somebody Else I Don’t Use “Em No More When Prototypes Become Stereotypes That Keep Black Women Silent About Rape by Jly R. Shaffer”***

Silence Kills

I created this blog for black women who have been raped, sexually assaulted, mentally, physically and emotionally abused and dealt with domestic violence. I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and rape. Through out my journey I have gotten help and I’m still getting help but it just feels like I am the only one out here. There are so many different sites and blogs out there for rape survivors it’s wonderful. A couple of them I have joined and found them very useful but I also felt like I was missing something. Then one day I went through the members list to see if I could personally connect with someone I could actually talk to and feel comfortable with and I noticed something. I was the only black member on each of those sites. It felt awkward and embarrassing at the same time. I wasn’t embarrassed because of what had happened to me, I was embarrassed because I was the only woman of color there. I felt like I had a target on my head. I have nothing against those sites, they provided wonderful information and resources that I didn’t know existed, but I wanted a place where I felt like I could be comfortable a place like home.







It seems like we as Strong Black Women always find a way of hiding, a way of covering up our hurt, our pain, and our tears. We push things to the back of our closet, lock the door and throw away the key. Later when it sneaks up on us it’s usually too late for us to deal with. We’ve become bitter and angry, and so hurt that we hurt other people that we love just to try to get the pain to stop. And it never works out that way. We need to stop hiding, stop lying to ourselves, and be there for others like us. There’s no reason why I should have to search the internet for black women surviving rape and come across my old blog and a book. That’s ridiculous. There’s too many of us walking around with our heads underground, faking that smile just going through the motions in life.


I know it hurts, I know it feels like you’re going to die and some days you wish you did. Like nothing in the world will ever make it go away like there is no end. There is, we just have to stick together and help each other out.

I’m writing this blog so other black women don’t feel like they are the only ones out there. YOURE NOT ALONE. You don’t have to comment if you don’t want to, you don’t even have to be my friend on here, as long as there are people out there reading it I know I’m doing my job. A lot of the posts on here are from my personal experiences and how I’m feeling and how I’ve dealt with and or tried to deal with my past. I’m a work in progress but I feel like this is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life at this moment.

Speak up, silence kills slowly

Black Women Reporting Rape

Not only are we [Black women] dealing with racism and sexism from white mainstream society but we’re also dealing with sexism from our community and who we going to tell? Because nobody going to believe us and do we want to see our brother/father/boyfriend/lover/comrade get arrested?

This is the first post that i have done where i actually write my opinion on the subject. being a rape survivor, I've been in the above situation. The man who raped me was black and i knew him. the only thing about my situation was that i did report the man who raped me. and he was not arrested or serve time in jail or was punished. At first i didn't want to say anything because i thought no one would believe me. on that part i was right.

after i reported it no one did believe me. which only made me feel alone and i didn't trust after that. i still don't to this day, trust the police. i know it sounds bad but its the truth.

how do you advocate for someone to come forward with their problems so you can help them when you don't believe a word they are saying?? i mean really its a catch 22.

i honestly felt like i went through the whole process for nothing. calling the detective everyday about my case only having him ask me why am i calling him so much. not to mention during the time he interviewed me asked why i didn't give my rapist oral sex and did i think it was selfish of me not to do it.

last time i checked what happened to me was a crime......on top of that asking him what was taking me so long to write out my statement. I'm thinking to myself are you serious. after being raped i had to call your crappy ass police department.(Prince Georges County Police, Maryland) wait 4 hours for you to show up at the station because you wouldn't drive down here(Charles County, Maryland). then still have to wait for your ass to show up...........

gee i wonder why we don't open our mouth and say anything..........??????????????

When Black Woman Are Raped

• Why do black women fail to report rape. Maretta Short, president of NOW New Jersey, recently forwarded two important articles on this issue. One was by Salamishah Tillet, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, the other by Melissa Harris-Lacewell, a professor at Princeton University. Both appeared on TheRoot.com. Both writers came to the same conclusion.

• Black women account for about l8 to 28 percent of rape victims. About 90 percent of victims report they were assaulted by a member of their own racial or ethnic group. Harris-Lacewell writes, “Black women raped by black male perpetrators often remain silent because they are alone. They don’t want to confirm white racial stereotypes; their own families and communities tell them to shut up; they have little reason to think that authorities will take their cases seriously; they fear the devastating ramifications of a manhunt in black communities if they are believed; and in the history of lynching, white women have been adversaries not allies, on the question of rape.”

• Tillet adds “ … rape victims do not want to perpetuate stereotypes about the black male rapist and … they fear criminalizing African-American men. But even more egregiously, African-American women know that they risk being labeled a race traitor by some who view their actions as airing dirty linen

• This is an attitude I am familiar with. All minority groups are protective of their communities. This is why liberal American Muslims have been slow to condemn fatwas by some Muslim clergy ordering the murder of dissidents, or to admit that some of the teachings in the Koran are destructive and are not to be taken literally but to be understood as ideas within the framework of the time in which they were written.

• In my own case, as a Jewish woman, I was raised to believe that ‘Jewish men don’t do that,” meaning they don’t rape women or beat their wives. Imagine my shock when I eventually met a pregnant woman who told me her Jewish husband had been beating her while she was pregnant. And then my surprise when, many years later, I heard a Yiddish song , probably written in the late l9th or early 20th century, which was a plaint by a woman telling about her abuse at the hands of her husband. Of course the group performing this song was a woman’s klezmer band. My mother’s mantra “ Jewish men don’t do that” was a means of not washing dirty linen in public, of protecting the reputation of our minority community

• We all know by now, however, what protecting criminals does to a community. Protecting drug dealers in public housing, or even ignoring bad behavior such as graffiti or inconsiderate levels of noise destroys the livability of the buildings. Ignoring rape or any other destructive, anti-social behavior just encourages more such behavior.

• From a feminist perspective, when a woman who has been assaulted is more concerned with protecting the innocent men in her community than with her own pain, she not only harms herself, but is committing a great injustice to other victims and victims in the future. This is a pattern of thinking that I feel quite sure is essentially female. When a man is violated in any way, by assault, robbery or rape – I doubt very much he starts worrying about everyone else before reporting the crime. A woman in that situation should be encouraged to think about herself first, and if she has the energy, to commiserate with her sisters who have been through the same trauma.

• As far as protecting her community, the only way to deal with a sensitive issue is to have the courage to tell the truth, to share that truth with other victims and with the community at large. Only then can the community begin to think about the problem and take action.

• **Suzanne Messing is a member of the Northern New Jersey NOW chapter.
  Contact Sue at SuzMessing@Aol.com or Northern New Jersey NOW at NNJNOW@nownj.org.

The Crappy ass so called fuckin sentacing for the rape and tourture of a woman over a week....

Just a quick summary of the sentences:

Alisha Burton, age 23, 10 years,kidnapping and assault.

Karen Burton, age 46, 30 years, malicious assault and violation of civil rights.

Linnie Burton Jr, age 21, plead guilty to battery on June 9th for striking Williams in the head with his fist. He was given a 6 month suspended sentence and 1 year of supervised probation.

Bobby Ray Brewster, age 25, 12-35 years, second-degree sexual assault, malicious assault and conspiracy to commit kidnapping or holding hostage.

Frankie Brewster, age 49, 10-25 years, second-degree sexual assault.

Danny J. Combs, age 21, 4-20 years, conspiracy to commit kidnapping or holding hostage, assault during the commission of a felony, and first-degree sexual abuse.


George Messer, age 25, 10 years, kidnapping and assault.

Al Sharpton and the NAACP with the Dunbar Village Rape

WEST PALM BEACH - Speaking outside the State Attorney's Office on Tuesday, the Rev. Al Sharpton decried what he said was unequal treatment of the young defendants charged in the Dunbar Village attack and the teens recently arrested on charges of a rape west of Boca Raton.


Backed by relatives of the defendants accused in last year's rape of a Dunbar Village resident, Sharpton said any act of violence against a woman is inexcusable, but he is seeking fairness, considering that the teens charged in a New Year's Day assault west of Boca Raton are free on bail.


"You cannot have one set of rules for acts that are wrong and horrific in Boca and another set in Dunbar Village," said Sharpton, a civil rights activist and president of the New York-based National Action Network. "You must have equal protection under the law."


Avion Lawson, 14; Nathan Walker, 17; Tommy Poindexter, 18; and Jakaris Taylor, 16, all were charged as adults with multiple felonies connected to the attack, in which police say the victim was repeatedly assaulted. Taylor has reached an agreement that would send him to prison for 20 years after pleading guilty to two counts of sexual battery and one count of burglary.



All four teens remain in the Palm Beach County Jail with bail denied, while five teens charged as adults with sexual battery on a physically incapacitated person and lewd and lascivious battery in the New Year's Day case all have posted bond as they await trial. Sharpton said the teens in that case had not been charged as adults; all but a 13-year-old were.



William Long, 18; Alex Perriello, 16; Eduardo Otaegui, 17; Ryan Lafferty, 14; and Blake Carter, 14, are accused of assaulting two middle school students along a canal bank after a night of drinking west of Boca Raton.


In that case, the consumption of alcohol by the teens, including the alleged victims, appears to have been a factor in the assault, according to court documents. The girls ended up in a hospital and one of them is reported to have told one of the boys she wanted to have sex with him, according to court documents. Three of the teen boys admitted to investigators they engaged in sex acts with the girls, one of whom was found by a deputy unconscious and half-naked.



In the Dunbar Village case, the victim was beaten, forced into a sex act with her son at gunpoint and ordered into a tub filled with vinegar and water, where household cleaners were poured on her, police said.


Maude Ford Lee, president of the West Palm Beach chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, said she hoped Sharpton's presence would help expose the "injustice."


"We're quite concerned it seems there is a different kind of action that takes place with black kids and white kids," Lee said. "We are not condoning the crimes that these kids supposedly committed but we want equal treatment under the law for them."



Michael Edmondson, spokesman for the State Attorney's Office, said the allegations levied at Tuesday's news conference do not deserve a response.


Cathy Lawson, Avion Lawson's mother, said she is still hurting about the fact her son is charged as an adult."I'm not saying they shouldn't be charged, but I don't feel that they should be charged as adults," she said. "Because they don't have the mind of an adult."



Avion Lawson is "not doing good" in jail and is allowed out of his cell one hour every other day, she said."How would you be doing if you were a 14-year-old locked up in a room?" she asked.Walker's mother, Ruby Walker, also attended the news conference and complained about the treatment her son and his co-defendants have received."We don't like what's going on. It's not right," she said. "I don't think we should have to suffer."



Sharpton also said he plans to follow through on a promise to spend the night at Dunbar Village. He repeatedly expressed his concern about the lack of bail for the Dunbar defendants."In this situation, it is the imbalance that we are protesting. We are not condoning the acts on either side," Sharpton said.


"While we admonish young men in every community to not engage in crime and to respect women, we also admonish the system that you can't have one level of justice for whites and those with money and another level for blacks that live in Dunbar Village."Nancy Othón can be reached at nothon@sun-sentinel.com or 561-228-5502.

The Strong Black Woman Is Dead

She died from having the multiple births of children she never really wanted but was forced to have by the strangling morality of those around her. She died from being a mother at 15 and a grandmother at 30 and an ancestor at 45. She died from being dragged down and sat upon by un-evolved women posing as sisters.

She died from pretending the life she was living was a Kodak moment instead of a 20th century, post-slavery nightmare. She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful, just to have a man around the house. She died from lack of orgasms because she never learned what made her body happy and no one took the time to teach her
And sometimes, when she found arms that were tender, died because those arms belonged to someone of the same gender.

She died from sacrificing herself for everybody and everything when what she wanted to do was be a singer, a dancer, or some other magnificent other.She died from lies of omission because she didn't want to "bring the black man down." She died from race memories of being snatched and raped and snatched and sold and snatched and bred and snatched and whipped and snatched and worked to death.

She died from tributes from her counterparts who should have been matching her efforts instead of showering her with dead words and empty songs.
She died from myths that would not allow her to show weakness without being chastised by the lazy and hazy. She died from hiding her real feelings until they became hard and bitter enough to invade her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from always lifting something from heavy boxes to refrigerators.

The strong black woman is DEAD

She died from the punishments received from being honest about life, racism and men. She died from being called a bitch for being verbal, a dyke for being assertive and a whore for picking her own lovers. She died for never being enough of what men wanted, or being too much for the men she wanted.

She died from being too black and died again for not being black enough.
She died from castration every time somebody thought of her as only a woman, or treated her like less than a man. She died from being misinformed about her mind, her body and the extent of her royal capabilities. She died from knees pressed too close together because respect was never part of the foreplay being shoved at her.

She died from loneliness in birthing rooms and abandonment in abortion centers. She died of shock in courtrooms where she sat, alone, watching her children being legally lynched. She died in bathrooms with her veins busting open with self-hatred and neglect.

She died in her mind, fighting life, racism and men, while her body was carted away and stashed in a human warehouse for the spiritually mutilated. And sometimes when she refused to die, when she just refused to give in, she was killed by the lethal images of blond hair, blue eyes and flat butts; rejected by the O.J.'s, the Quincy's, the Tiger's and the Poitier's.

Sometimes she was stomped to death by racism and sexism, executed by hi-tech ignorance while she carried the family in her belly, the community on her head, and the race on her back!

Something we all must read to really understand the hurt rape causes....

♥Black women are particularly likely to have sustained numerous assaults on their overall well being, leaving us vulnerable to PSTD when we were assaulted.

♥If friends, family, police, counselors, or hospital workers treat you negatively, their secondary victimization, also called second assault, can further damage your emotional state and cause your healing to take even longer.

♥The rape of enslaved black women reached perhaps it most pathological extremes when slavers decided to "breed" more slaves.

♥Black women were used sexually in a number of ways. Sometimes the masters let their sons sleep with Black women for their first sexual experience.

♥The point is they had no sexual autonomy. And that is the injustice, that Black women did not own their body. Period.

♥This legacy of violence and sexual victimization affects every member of society, but Black women continue to bear more than their share of the fall out.

♥It is not something that families want people to know that their daughters have experienced.

♥"There is this idea that Black women's rapes are not as important as White women's rapes."

♥The racial biases are institutionalized to this day. "Black women's rapes are taken less seriously in the criminal justice system." Recent studies have shown that judges generally impose harsher sentences for rape when the victim is white than when the victim is black.

♥We still buy into several myths. [As] strong Black women, we just can take whatever and move on. And the other one is that we have to take good care of out men. If we take care of our men, then we're not going to report men who are violent

The system is more biased against the black woman that against the black man....

"While the laws in many states define rape as more traumatic and deserving of more severe punishment if a pregnancy results, juries seem to disagree.
If the survivor is black, it is less likely that the accused rapist will plead guilty regardless of his race. Ant it is also, sadly, less likely that the case will be won in a court regardless of his race. LaFree found that our criminal Justice system is prejudiced against black women. It is no wonder that so many black women choose not to report to the police, even thought they may go to the hospital to have injuries treated and for STD and pregnancy prevention.
This prejudice against black women was evident when Desire Washington charged boxer Mike Tyson with raping her. Even black college women were quoted as saying "she got what she deserved." Instead of being sympathetic towards her, they were angry that she had charged a prominent black man with rape."*****

*****Recovering from Rape by Linda E. Ledray, R.N., P.H.D


Some Justice System right????