A Black Woman Surviving Rape: And this empty lonely feeling hurts a little bit more then heartbreak.....

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

And this empty lonely feeling hurts a little bit more then heartbreak.....

Its been a long week for me. I have so my posts that I have saved on my phone that I need to up load. I’m only writing right now because I just pulled an all nighter helping my husband with his project for school. So while I’m looking for a certain picture on the computer I see the picture of my uncles funeral, it was a military funeral because he was in the Navy just like my dad. The shock just hit me and reality slapped me in the face reminding me that my dad is still in a coma and he might not wake up. I think I’ve been living this whole time pretending he’s on a really long vacation but in my heart I really do know the truth.

I cried when I saw that picture, I didn’t think about it for a second, I didn’t even have a chance to breathe, a chance to blink before the tears started pouring down my face. I don’t want him to leave me, I want him to be here forever. I know that its not reality but that’s what I wanted. My father is the first man I have ever loved. He’s my best friend, he’s never left my side no matter how many arguments we’ve had or how many times I’ve messed up he stood by me. I already lost my birth mother years ago, well………..I never had her to begin with and I don’t want to lose my father too. I don’t want to go through this world with out my dad, but I don’t want him to suffer either. My heart hurts so bad, like someone just keeps stabbing me over and over again in the same spot, not giving me a chance to heal…… but I know that I have to have faith and my dad would be so proud of me right now especially since I’m keeping my promises.

I love you daddy, please hurry up and come home:(

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Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.