The anguish I feel tears at my soul Life at times is so cripplingly bad there is hatred everywhere cruel lives attack those who live for the joy of simply living. their lives are destroyed in a blink of time with acts of such horror and unthoughtful malice that to think of them makes the stoutest heart shudder and the strongest man cry A life so awful cannot be born alone in solitude with only thoughts to pass the time it must be shared or worse will follow

I don’t really know how I’m feeling totally but I know that my heart hurts a lot and I feel sad. Then I start thinking about how many of us are walking around pretending to be happy just to survive. How many tears are we holding back every day in the car hoping no one sees that one tear fall from your eyes but you’re hoping that someone does see so that you can tell them what’s wrong. How many of us have been beaten? Molested? Raped? Stays in abusive relationships? How many people have to deal with family members who have betrayed them? Mothers who have completely turned their backs on their children and aren’t bothered by it?

It’s a really sad reality of how many of our stories are really the same. If only we came out and actually said how we truly feel stead of holding on the pain because you’re too scared to let go. You’re too scared of failing but too damn numb to feel any pain.

People aren’t supposed to hurt like this all the time. I've just been doing so much thinking about everything lately….. To be honest my dad is none of the topics I talk about. I don’t really like to talk about that much. It hurts way too much especially know that on my birthday would make it a year since he’s been in a coma and brain dead. I don’t care too much for anything anymore. Not my birthday, holidays, every day is really hard for me right now. I think I’m handling everything ok, some days I’m just not sure.

Not hearing the moans Or going through it alone Rewind to the choice Loud to hear her voice To get one more opportunity Just to see what would become Of the black little girl, Who lived in a cold lonely world

So sick of reading books. Tired of flipping through pages looking for help for some stupid shit that I didn’t even fucking do to myself. The thoughts racing through my head make me feel like I’m going fuckin crazy. Spending hours on the damn computer looking for PTSD groups for rape survivors in the area I live in.

Calling RAINN is such a pain in the fuckin ass. It pisses me off and makes me angry every time I have to call them because as soon as I call they always direct you to the crisis center in the areas you live in. the rape crisis center in my area sucks to say the last. Like they don’t have people to work with people who’ve had suffered multiple traumas which is what I am. They don’t work with survivors one on one who has PTSD. I don’t fuckin understand how the fuck you’re a rape crisis center and don’t have the resources to work with PTSD.

 

It just irritates the shit out of me how much of a headache I have to go through to find local help for it. It’s getting worse every day. The night terrors are getting worse at night. I’m remembering things that I had pushed back about the rapes and it’s coming out now. The night terrors keep me up at night to the point it’s starting to take me 8 hours just to relax enough so that I can go to sleep. I’m back to having sleeping in the dark again, I swear every time I close my eyes when I’m lying in bed I see Banky standing in the doorway again. Ugh I want to throw up and just get up and the fuck out of him.

I’m not really the type of person who gets mad easily but man I swear lately I've just been so pissed off an angry and mad. Like if I saw any of the men who hurt me I would kill them. I would kidnap them and torture them into a slow painful agonizing death. I want them to feel the pain that they caused me. They are walking around living their lives without a care in the world and I’m sitting her 10 years into fuckin therapy and I still can’t be touched, can’t have sex, I cry every day.

I can’t function in relationships. This whole time I convinced myself that I’m ok, that I’m like everyone else in the world but I’m not. The more I start changing and better myself it just seems like more is being thrown at me. I’m having the hardest time coping with life right now and to be honest with you I am scared of the future. Like I’m glad I’m changing and understanding what’s going on with me but on the other hand it makes me actually think about everything. Like I feel like I’m serving a life sentence. That was the one thing that I like about being married to my best friend. I didn’t have to worry about starting over with someone else, I didn’t have to explain the flashbacks or panic attacks, he knew how to touch me, when not to and just that whole overall respect for me and what happened to me. Now it’s like I have to start over again if I don’t want to die on this earth a lonely woman. I have to reteach someone else everything and explain it to them and learn how to get used to them and their feelings.

I’m a realist, I’m not stupid or that naive little girl I used to be. After everything that’s I've experienced I know how the world works. Men like sex, me like to touch and hold their women. Men like to be touched and loves (that’s goes for women also). If my best friend couldn’t handle me why would I expect anyone else to handle me too? I try to look at things from the people’s perspective that way I can try to understand their feelings and thoughts. If I was a man I wouldn’t want to me with me for that reason. Everything else is good, I know that I can handle it but other people cant. And they don’t understand it either. Why would a man want to be with someone he can’t be intimate with or can’t touch and then have to deal with their panic attacks? Some of the men these days just don’t want to deal with that kind of headache. Hell most people don’t want to deal with it either. It’s like walking around with a sign around your neck saying I’m a wonderful person who gives back and loves but can’t be touched or looked at in a certain way.

What do you do with that????

She suffers the worst pain in her life The skies lost color Time stood still She paid her dollar Her tears left fire marks in the sidewalk Overwhelming Her soul screaming Her nightmares are reality 16 years old Having to let go Became women As she lost her childhood

I’m tired again. I feel sad again. I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way. It’s too draining to deal with. My PTSD has gotten worse. At first the only things I had were the panic attacks, flashbacks and body memories. Now I have the anger: guilt, the voices running through my head. I've been having a lot of thoughts about suicide.

I don’t want to admit it but my head is really fucked up. It’s heartbreaking accepting the fact that what they did to me really messed up my head. This whole time I tried to take the blame for it. I was hoping that maybe if I took some of the blame I would have control over the situation and I could fix it. But I can’t take that blame because I can’t fix it by myself. I can’t do this alone anymore.

Every day I’m sad and angry and hurt. I want to stay in bed and rock and cry. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t even have the energy to go to work. I’m so fucking sick of faking being happy and faking the smiles. IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY. IM NOT FUCKING OK.

I feel like I’m going crazy. There are a million thoughts running through my head all the time. I can’t stop the voices. I wish they would just shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone. It just makes me think about a lot. Like I've been feeling like this since fucking elementary school. I remember every happy moment and every sad moment and I should be able to do that at all. This whole time I've been pretending to be happy just to survive and that’s the sad part.

The only thing that stops the voices is listening to music which is what I’m doing right now and I feel happy. I feel normal again. Sometimes the music doe make me feel sadder but then I can write it out and get it out of me. Smoking relaxes me enough to the point I can get some sleep and the anxiety does go away and I can function. Crying makes me feel so much worse. Like every time I cry it hurts so bad. When the tears come out it feels like my face is burning. My writs start throbbing so bad. I just want to cut just to make the throbbing stop. I want to cut to make the pain go away. But I don’t. I keep starting at the scars on my arm that remind me when I used to cut.

It makes me sad. I called some places today about getting help for the PTSD. They are closed so I’ll call them back Tuesday. When I was talking to the lady from the rape crisis center I broke down. I’m sick and need help. I broke down and started crying. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It hurts too much. The tears hurt too much. I’m just lost right now…

“My emotions that first week after the rape were mixed up…..mostly anger. I wanted him to die. And I was upset with myself, with what I could have done….what I should have done. I felt afterwards that I didn’t resist at all. I just sort of stood there and let him do this to me.” Jennifer-Surviving the Silence, Black Women’s Stories of Rape by Charlotte Pierce-Baker

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately. I’m sad and lonely all the time. I wish I could lay in bed all day and cry.  I’m at work right now and I just feel like breaking down and crying. I’m just not happy anymore…with anything.

I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel like how I felt exactly after I was raped. I’m numb, emotional, lonely, and sad and I just want the pain to end. It feels like I’m walking around in someone else’s skin and I can’t peel it off of me.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me mentally. I don’t want to end up on medication. I know what I’m feeling is now where close to being normal. I know I’m depressed but it goes so much deeper than that. It’s like I’m depressed and happy at the same time. Like one minute I’m happy and excited about life and I can’t wait to change and 10 minutes later I feel like crying and I want to die. That’s not normal but I’m glad that I’m noticing these things.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life taking pills just to balance out my moods. I've felt this way since I was in middle school, it got worse after I was raped the first time. I just keep pushing it back and pretending that everything is ok. I keep feeling like I’m being punished for being raped, like it’s just one more thing I have to add to my list of problems and that I’ll have to tell someone and it’s just one more embarrassing thing. Lmfao as if having the flash backs, panic attacks, night terrors, body memories and Vaginismus isn’t enough to deal with, come on life why don’t you throw in a little Bi-Polar Disorder in there too?

I’m just really tired. I’m exhausted and drained. I keep thinking about my dad and how I have no family. In that year I lost my dad and I lost myself. It hurts a lot……

I just don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired now.

Sing her song of life; she’s been dead so long. Closed in silence so long, she doesn’t know the sound of her own voice, her infinite beauty. She’s half-notes scatted without rhythm. No tune. Sing her sighs. Sing the song of her possibilities. Sing a righteous gospel, let her be horn. Let her be horn & handled warmly & this is for colored girls who have considered suicide but moved to the ends of their own rainbows.

they told me I wasn’t happy about anything anymore. I was in denial, I told him I was happy but just dealing with a lot. I was in denial about what I was really feeling

I’m tired. I’m just tired, I’m not happy. I don’t think I've been happy since I was in elementary school. I can’t even say I was happy then either. I was 19 and young and then I had pushed what happened to me in a place I thought it could never come out of. I was wrong, so wrong about that.

I've had a lot of happy moments but they don’t really last long. I have a lot of happy memories that I hold on to for dear life because it’s the only hope that I have left. Hoping that one day I’ll be happy again and feel ok.

I didn’t think I was this fucked up in the head. I never thought I was. I’d always thought I was a strong person because I’m still breathing and function in a healthy life now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know that I feel sad all the time. I’m happy when I’m with my daughter and best friend but then it’s like the sadness just creeps in and I get sad all over again. I feel depressed but I don’t know what’s wrong.

The other night I was thinking. I was thinking about how much I’m hurting right now but I’m scared of letting it out because I’m really not in a good place to break down. I have a lot going on right now that I’m trying to deal with.  I don’t know who will be there for me if I break down. I don’t know who I can really lean on if I fall apart. I don’t want to fall apart because I have to be strong for my daughter. If I fall apart I don’t know how long it will take me to put the pieces back together again. I’m scared that I’ll go back to cutting and not eating just to control the pain. The thought of killing myself even entered my head. I thought about if it would be better to take a bottle of pills and chase it with the strongest bottle of alcohol I can get my hands on. But I didn’t, I don’t really want to. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t know why I didn’t but the only person I thought of was my daughter. I’m trying to do everything in my power so she doesn’t turn into a fucked up person like her mother.

I didn’t do anything to make someone else rape me. There was nothing I did or had on or drank or said to give anyone the right to rape me. That’s a face. But still I feel like it’s my fault, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get that out of my head but I’m working on it.

Some days I feel like dying. I still remember after my daughter was born, she was sleeping and I was so tired after staying up all night with her I started having night terrors again. I felt like a horrible mom and all I kept thinking of was how much pain I was in. how I was hurting so bad. I wanted to open up the bedroom window and jump out; I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to die, the pain was too much for me to handle and I couldn’t keep dealing with it. It was like no matter what I did or what I tried the pain never went away for long. It just kept coming back and getting worse.

I wanted to call 911 and tell them I need someone to help me. I need help dealing with life. I need help dealing with the feelings that I’m having. I need help with not feeling so sad all the time. I need help with not feeling so sad all the time. I need help not trying to kill myself. I didn’t call…….I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt. Everyone thinks I’m the strongest person in the world and I’m not. I smile every day and pretend like I’m ok and I’m not ok at all. I feel so hurt and broken and down. I just don’t know what to do anymore…..