I wish that you were here to celebrate together I wish that we could spend the holidays together, I remember when you used to tuck me in at night With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight. I thought you were so strong you’d make it through whatever, it’s so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this, and everyday life goes on like, “I wish I could talk to you for a while". Miss you but I try not to cry, as time goes by…….

The holidays are coming up and I’m feeling beyond sad right now. I have a lot going on with me right now. The new job is wonderful and I love it, I’m just so glad that I’m back to working again. On another note, my “brother” moved back in and were moving out. I have officially divorced my “mother”, “Sister” and “brother”. I don’t have any negative feelings at all because I really don’t care what they do anymore. Especially since you let a child molester move into the house with your granddaughter/ niece and apparently don’t have a problem with it I’m done. They are doing the things that my father didn’t want them to do and they know it. And then my “sister has the nerve to talk about our dad. So when was he our dad when you and mom decided to lie to our faces about taking him off of life support and blaming the facility? They are so full of shit that I’m just done with all of them. 

I used to wish that my mother had died instead of my father but as much as it hurts I’m kind of glad it happened this way.  My dad was the only reason why I stayed in the county and even stayed in the house because I didn’t want to leave him alone with my mother. And now it seems like now I have no reason to be here anymore. I don’t want to be around anyone who is blood related to me but my daughter. It just seems like everyone else has been infected by my Narcissistic “mother” and “sister”. This whole situation just has me thinking a lot lately. I’m starting to see that I was just a pawn in their game and that they don’t really give a damn about my daughter because if they really did, her son wouldn’t be living in the basement right now. 

The allegations against him was when he was a teenager but the whole looking at child porn incident thing I saw myself and it just makes me so uneasy and disgusted with him and more of my “mother” and “sister” to even allow it to happen. My father kicked him out the house and told us in front of him that he wasn’t allowed to live in the house ever again because of it and now look what happens.

It also has me thinking of the day that we were supposed to take my dad off of life support. We went in and my “mother” and “sister” tried to tell me that the facility had messed up and scheduled an appointment for finical aid instead of with the doctors to take him off of life support. I foolishly believed them thinking that they wouldn’t pull some shit like this but it just never made sense to me why that morning my “mother” was bringing the papers that she brought with her last time we saw the finical aid people. Her response was oh I’m bringing it just in case. In the bottom of my stomach I felt like I was going to throw up because I knew she was lying and I knew they weren’t going to take him off. As much as my dad cussed us out saying that he never wanted to be on life support, how he doesn’t want to live like this and it’s going on 9 months now. But now he’s off of life support but still on the feeding tube, he’s in a vegetative state with no brain function at all and heavily medicated and can’t move. Who wants to live like that? And yet they are walking around like nothing’s wrong. She’s telling everyone that he’s doing fine and talking about rehab. Am I stupid or can someone please explain to me how the fuck you rehabilitate someone who’s in a vegetative state?

I’m just sick and tired of dealing with them. I’m so much healthier without them in my life. I just really miss my dad a lot and the holidays are making it so much harder…..

She’s heard stories of Vietnam vets who can still feel the tingling of their amputated limbs She’s wondering how many women are walking around this world feeling the tingling of their amputated wings, remembering what it was to fly, to sing

I’m just really tired right now. This whole month has been so depressing and emotional and I don’t know why. I just feel like crying all the time. I sent off for my police report when I tried to press charges against Banky. Ugh just saying his name makes me sick to my stomach. It just seems like everything is falling apart. The more help I get the worse things become around me. I keep second guessing myself about what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I have to do it I have to speak out about what’s happening. It still feels like I’m carrying around this deep dark secret and its tearing me apart inside. I’m scared about publicly speaking about what happened. I’m scared that people I called my friends won’t want nothing to do with me anymore. I’m scared that ill push everyone else away. I’m scared that I’ll never get over this.

Therapy isn’t going well at all. Every time I need someone to talk to everyone is busy so by the time that someone ask me what’s wrong or what’s bothering me I don’t really have anything to say because I don’t feel that same feeling anymore. I feel as though people just ignore my feelings, I feel like I’m sacrificing my soul. And right now I’m actually starting to think that something is seriously wrong with me mentally. I think it’s my hormones again. I’ve been keeping track of my emotions and something just seems so off with that and my eating habits.

This has just been such a bad year and I can’t stop thinking about my dad, I just wish this whole thing was over. He doesn’t want to live his life suffering, not knowing what’s going on around him. He has no function in his brain and yet my mother still won’t take the feeding tubes out. The doctors keep telling us that he’s not going to come out of the vegetative state. And it’s been 8 months and no one is listening to me and I can’t do anything about it. She didn’t care about him while he was around so why are you making everyone else (including your husband) suffer.

It’s just a lot of stress going on right now. My Grandfather (I’ve known him since I was 5 and he’s the closest thing I’ve had to a grandfather) died last night. Death always comes in 3’s. Its only October and the year isn’t even over. I’m tired of trying to hide my tears. I’m tired of crying in the bathroom. I’m tired of just letting go of one tear at a time and hiding the other tears. I’m just tired of having sad feelings.

There is a terrible pain in knowing that you never had the chance to know sex without it being coloured by your experience of rape. Intimacy can always feel as though it is tainted by this first terrible experience and for some it can be difficult to separate sex from violence.

I just get so mad at myself when it comes to therapy and my reactions because I just feel like that I should have finished therapy years ago. I feel as though right now I’m my life I’m wasting so much time trying to fix myself when I should be enjoying my family and life. It’s almost a heartbreaking feeling, it’s a lost feeling that I feel about it. However mad I get at myself for not doing this earlier, I can’t say that the end result would have been the same. If I would have gotten the help I’m getting now when I was 18 I might not have my daughter or husband in my life, and for that I wouldn’t change anything in the world.

“An added problem may arise when a survivor is the one to initiate sex. A caring partner may worry about triggering you, and leave it to you to initiate sex when you are ready. This can make the survivor uncomfortable if they constantly feel as though they are asking for sex. If this is the case, try talking to your partner. It is likely that they are struggling with feelings of their own, or are trying to let you take the lead.”

As I’m writing this, I keep trying to hold back the tears because I shouldn’t be going through this right now. It’s not normal at all, the one thing you’re supposed to have total control over is your breathing, your brain and who you choose to have sexual contact with. I’m really just really pissed off that I even had to create this blog in the first place. What’s done is done but it’s still hurting me and I’m still working on it so that I can be happy and healthy.




“Survivors may feel guilt because they are unsure of their true motives or reasons for wanting sex, and so they struggle with knowing whether or not they are truly engaging in healthy sex. It is common for survivors of sexual violence to use sex to distract themselves, punish themselves, or even as a way to re-live their assault. These types of reactions are normal, and you are not alone. If you are unsure of whether you are using unhealthy ways to cope, consider asking yourself the following questions:




How do I feel before sex?

How do I feel after sex?

Why am I choosing to have sex?

Do I enjoy myself when I am having sex?

Would I change anything about my sexual encounters?”




After I was raped when I was 16, I never wanted sex, at all. I was one of those women who would be happy never having any form or intercourse in their lives. It’s a really sad thought and reality, knowing that you had been so hurt by someone else’s choice that you wanted nothing to do with your own body. When I did have sex with my ex-husband(we were married at the time) I never felt anything emotional but guilt. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was ok but I had no emotional connection to the act its self. I knew something was wrong when I started feeling bad and dirty after we had sex. (That had nothing to do with him, it was me and my past and my feelings)




“I couldn’t have sex unless I was drunk or high. I would feel too out of control and triggered. The alcohol and drugs numbed that all out and gave me a kind of confidence. I had a lot of sex that I wouldn’t really want to have today though.—Lourdes Healing Sex, A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines”




And I had to be a little bit tipsy or have one drink in me before we did anything. It’s like all the feelings and emotions from the rape and abuse just took over me and the only way I could be with him was when I did have a drink.

“Those who lose their virginity to rape often find that one of the hardest aspects of the aftermath is finding a way to reclaim their sexuality. How can you reclaim something if you never knew what it was like to begin with? Having such a negative first experience can mean that you do not get the opportunity to know your body as your own. It can also really distort your view of sex in general.”




Because I was raped as a virgin I feel like total crap. I feel like an idiot and I actually wish that I would have had sex before I was raped. I would have had it something to compare it to. No sex after you’ve been raped will never be the same as before but they know how it feels to have consensual sex, I don’t. I do know but because of all the crap I’ve been through and the end results it only hurts even worse. I don’t have my own sexuality yet even though I’m working on finding it. Ugh one time my thoughts on sex were so bad that I didn’t like my body. I still don’t like my vagina but I’m starting to love the rest of me now.

The Vaginismus doesn’t help either. Because of the trauma from the rapes and abuse it’s what I have now. It’s when penetration is very painful and intercourse is almost impossible or too much to bear. Your PC muscles will clinch and you have no control over it.







I try to hold back my tears every night from everything I’m dealing with. I don’t have time for myself so I don’t really have any place to put the emotions I’m feeling unless it’s the quick 30 minutes between naps, showers or cooking. I feel like I’m at rock bottom but about to crash head on with no one to catch me. I feel so damaged from my family, my past and who I am now that I’ve been working on all of them at the same time, hoping ateast one will be fixed.

I cut myself last week. The next morning I did it, I didn’t notice but I was in the bath tub crying my eyes out over all the shit I’ve done, the mistakes what I haven’t done and I got so depressed and lonely that I had to cut. The last time I cut was in 2003 after I was raped (when I started drinking to numb the pain). I looked down at my arm (this was before I realized I had cut on purpose) and was trying to figure out when I got this odd cut from (it was vertical on the vain on my arm but further down). Usually when I get cuts (natural ones) it’s always on the side or at an angle or weird shape. That day I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I noticed that the blade was taken off my razor and I knew what what hppend then. I don’t even remember all of it. That’s how I knew something is wrong right now cause I haven’t had thoughts of dying since after my daughter was born(because of PPD and me not eating is what my doctor said) . But all I could remember was how much I wanted to die because of how much pain I’m in and how no one was paying attention and didn’t care.




I’m just beyond exhausted; I’ve been getting 2 hours of sleep every night for the past 3 weeks. My dad’s birthday is Monday and next Monday we take him off of life support. I’m just so emotionally drained that my body is starting to react to it. But this week I will be meditation, yoga and blogging at least 3 times a week………….




I just had to get this off my chest

 Even the happiest, strongest, and most optimistic of people have moments in life when their strength falters and their smile fades away

I feel as though he has taken my secrets and pain and cried again for me. He took that hurt and held it for me. He held me when when I thought I was walking through this world alone. He took all that hurt and emptiness and cried it out for me.


I saw the clouds roll in and the pain fall from the skies. I felt the earth relax and let go of gravity for just a second. The dark clouds. Smeared make up. Circles and no where else to go or to turn to.


The winds hold me tight as the clouds roll over my soul. Stealing away everything I held on to I exhale and fall to a new death.

And this empty lonely feeling hurts a little bit more then heartbreak.....

 Its been a long week for me. I have so my posts that I have saved on my phone that I need to up load. I’m only writing right now because I just pulled an all nighter helping my husband with his project for school. So while I’m looking for a certain picture on the computer I see the picture of my uncles funeral, it was a military funeral because he was in the Navy just like my dad. The shock just hit me  and reality slapped me in the face reminding me that my dad is still in a coma and he might not wake up. I think I’ve been living this whole time pretending he’s on a really long vacation but in my heart I really do know the truth.

I cried when I saw that picture, I didn’t think about it for a second, I didn’t even have a chance to breathe, a chance to blink before the tears started pouring down my face. I don’t want him to leave me, I want him to be here forever. I know that its not reality but that’s what I wanted. My father is the first man I have ever loved. He’s my best friend, he’s never left my side no matter how many arguments we’ve had or how many times I’ve messed up he stood by me. I already lost my birth mother years ago, well………..I never had her to begin with and I don’t want to lose my father too. I don’t want to go through this world with out my dad, but I don’t want him to suffer either. My heart hurts so bad, like someone just keeps stabbing me over and over again in the same spot, not giving me a chance to heal…… but I know that I have to have faith and my dad would be so proud of  me right now especially since I’m keeping my promises.

I love you daddy, please hurry up and come home:(