A Black Woman Surviving Rape: Dec 7, 2012

Friday, December 7, 2012

Unfortunately, even if you have got your mind around the trauma, your body has a memory of its own. Many women report having episodes where they involuntarily cringe when a loved one touches them and many more report problems when actually having intercourse. Vaginal dryness, a muscle tensing, or the impression of leaving one's body during sex are all common for somebody who been sexually abused. It is going to take time to get past all of this and an extremely patient partner.

I’m having really bad body memories right now. I don’t really have an appetite anymore, I have to force myself to eat everyday which kind of sucks. I just don’t feel like eating. Like I have this horrible taste in my mouth and I was actually kind of hoping that his Dr. Pepper would take it out but it’s not working.

I’m feeling kind of sad and really emotional and I just want to cry. I wanted to cry on my way to work yesterday. Like my body doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me now. It feels like it’s theirs, like I never had my body after I was 6 years old. Someone else was always touching me and hurting me that I don’t even know what my own body feels like. I don’t know what I like to a certain point and it’s really frustrating.

It’s like hands all over my body and I can smell Banky and Frank and it just turns my stomach. I had accidentally put on exclamation perfume (I was wearing it when I was raped and I only wear it around my husband. So I went into work yesterday and my coworkers told me I smelled like a baby and I couldn’t figure out why and I thought it was because of my daughter and her things. I had put on a little bit of lotion on her but it wasn’t that. As soon as I got off from work it clicked in my head and it had triggered me because Franklin used to tell me that all the time when I wore it with him and my stomach just turned over and I just felt so sick and disgusted.

Like it’s to the point right now, with the body memories and how I’m feeling that I don’t want to be touched at all, and it’s been like years since I've felt this strong about it. I don’t want anyone touching me or anyone looking at me. I can feel my senses getting stronger and my body just feels like it’s on aren’t right now and that’s also kind of hard to deal with. Like I can feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up right now.

Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.