they told me I wasn’t happy
about anything anymore. I was in denial, I told him I was happy but just
dealing with a lot. I was in denial about what I was really feeling
I’m tired. I’m just
tired, I’m not happy. I don’t think I've been happy since I was in elementary school.
I can’t even say I was happy then either. I was 19 and young and then I had pushed what happened to me in
a place I thought it could never come out of. I was wrong, so wrong about that.
I've had a lot of happy
moments but they don’t really last long. I have a lot of happy memories that I hold
on to for dear life because it’s the only hope that I have left. Hoping that
one day I’ll be happy again and feel ok.
I didn’t think I was this
fucked up in the head. I never thought I was. I’d always thought I was a strong
person because I’m still breathing and function in a healthy life now. I don’t know
what’s wrong with me. I know that I feel sad all the time. I’m happy when I’m
with my daughter and best friend but then it’s like the sadness just creeps in
and I get sad all over again. I feel depressed but I don’t know what’s wrong.
The other night I was
thinking. I was thinking about how much I’m hurting right now but I’m scared of
letting it out because I’m really not in a good place to break down. I have a
lot going on right now that I’m trying to deal with. I don’t know who will be there for me if I break
down. I don’t know who I can really lean on if I fall apart. I don’t want to
fall apart because I have to be strong for my daughter. If I fall apart I don’t
know how long it will take me to put the pieces back together again. I’m scared
that I’ll go back to cutting and not eating just to control the pain. The thought
of killing myself even entered my head. I thought about if it would be better
to take a bottle of pills and chase it with the strongest bottle of alcohol I can
get my hands on. But I didn’t, I don’t really want to. I just want the pain to
stop. I don’t know why I didn’t but the only person I thought of was my
daughter. I’m trying to do everything in my power so she doesn’t turn into a
fucked up person like her mother.
I didn’t do anything to
make someone else rape me. There was nothing I did or had on or drank or said
to give anyone the right to rape me. That’s a face. But still I feel like it’s
my fault, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get that out of my head but I’m
working on it.
Some days I feel like
dying. I still remember after my daughter was born, she was sleeping and I was
so tired after staying up all night with her I started having night terrors
again. I felt like a horrible mom and all I kept thinking of was how much pain I
was in. how I was hurting so bad. I wanted to open up the bedroom window and
jump out; I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to die, the pain was too much
for me to handle and I couldn’t keep dealing with it. It was like no matter
what I did or what I tried the pain never went away for long. It just kept
coming back and getting worse.
I wanted to call 911 and
tell them I need someone to help me. I need help dealing with life. I need help
dealing with the feelings that I’m having. I need help with not feeling so sad
all the time. I need help with not feeling so sad all the time. I need help not
trying to kill myself. I didn’t call…….I didn’t want anyone to know how I really
felt. Everyone thinks I’m the strongest person in the world and I’m not. I smile
every day and pretend like I’m ok and I’m not ok at all. I feel so hurt and
broken and down. I just don’t know what to do anymore…..