I’m not feeling good right now. The past 2 days have been
really hard. Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning) I had a dream about my dad
and it felt so real. We were talking and he had forgiven me and told me that he
wasn’t mad at me. I told him how I couldn’t live in the house anymore that I couldn’t
deal with my “mother”, “sister” or her son anymore and how I wanted to leave
and he understood everything. It’s like we talked for hours, that he was really
back to stay this time. He was even home and doing the things that he normally
does and it was nice but for some reason I was the only one who could see him. He
told me he had to leave and I started to wake up from the dream. I got up and
went into the living room to look for my dad but he wasn’t there. It was just a
dream and I was hoping that he was really back with us.
Each day gets harder, I cry sometimes, well I cry every day
and I just wonder to myself how many more days of tears are ahead. It’s a heartbreaking
feeling that feels like can’t be mended. I've been dealing with everything ok. I've
been writing more instead of resorting to destructive behaviors that I used to
do.
Last night was so lonely. Like I’m in the house alone
and each day it gets a little bit harder to keep it together, it gets a little
bit harder to stay strong, it gets a little bit harder to hold on, and it gets
harder to breathe. It feels like pouring salt into your cut up heart every day
and trying not to winch at the pain so that other people can’t see that you’re
hurting. I got emotional when my daughter had the bear my dad gave her for Valentine’s
Day, she was walking around holding it saying I love it mommy. I just wanted to
break down and cry….
On another note my body is starting to hurt again. I went to
be around 3 and got up at 8:30 so I did get some sleep, I don’t remember what I
was dreaming about but I woke up feeling like total shit. This morning when I woke
up I could taste Frank in my mouth and I almost threw up. At first I thought I was
still dreaming and my husband asked me if I was ok I said yeah my stomach hurts
and it still does a little bit. I still don’t know where it came from or if it
was a bad dream but my whole body feels so dirty and disgusting right now. It’s
like a sickening feeling. Like I felt like I was raped last night and my mouth
hurts. I know that nothing happened but whatever I was dreaming about my body
can still feel it and ugh I just want to scrub my whole body down just to get
them off of me.
