I'm 26 Years Old and I'm Learning About Sex Again.......

Just now I had this burning sensation through my body, I felt like I was losing control over everything. I’m scared to talk about the rapes with people who don’t know the details or don’t know me as well as my closer friends. I’m scared that if I open up and talk to people about it I will get hurt. I’m scared that it will come back in my face like I’m use to it doing. I have this big fear that once other people know that I’ve been raped that they will look at me differently.

 I feel damaged sexually. Everything else I can get through but my sexuality before the rape I can’t get back. I will never have something to compare sex to. So much has happened to me before me and my ex-husband met that it really fucked me up mentally. And I was thinking about that last night. How sexually I’m not normal, I never will be. The fact that I can’t just have sex when I want to upsets me.

How something so intimate, so personal, so private can be taken away from you and there’s nothing you can do to get that sense of security back completely. I just learned that I have been dissociating during sex. My body would leave its self and hover over and watch what was happening. I remember doing it when I was raped. I just didn’t realize that I was doing it when I was with my ex- husband. 

Let’s face the facts, I know that if I had an identical twin and we didn’t everything the same and it’s time for us to go out to date and she hasn’t been raped but I have, I know that she would be picked over me.

I’m not stupid or Naïve, no man wants to be with a woman he can’t touch or be intimate with. That’s a fact and that’s my baggage, that’s me. Considering I didn’t have a choice in the situation of having sex I still feel like it’s my fault
I’m learning about sex all over again for the second time. I’m learning what touches I like and don’t like. What feels good and what doesn't, I’m learning the emotional part for the first time ever because I never had a chance to share it the first time around. It’s scary. I know that sex and emotions go hand and hand which is probably why now I feel so emotional after sex when before I just felt so nonchalant about it. The feelings, the emotions, the looks, stares and connection is what I feel when it comes to sex now and even that is a scary and new thing for me.

Making love, having sex, being intimate. Whatever you call it, it can be a wonderful thing. Don't let rape rob you of the chance to have genuine happiness in your life. Choose to reclaim your sexuality, without abusing it yourself, and move on with your life. Be happy, take time to love yourself, stay safe.

“Rape is about having your choices taken away. Being intimate with your partner is something you can choose to do or choose not to do. You can ask your partner to stop and he/she would stop. You may find that some positions may now seem frightening to you and you may feel you want to use positions where you feel more in control over what is happening. If you are with someone who cares about you, loves you, respects you that is entirely different from a man who is abusing you, who has no care or respect for you.”

So I’ve made some progress. After the break down last week I had let go of a lot of things I was holding on to. Like the rapes, abuse and being molested. When Justin molested me it took away my childhood innocence. I had lost that special place that no one was supposed to touch and I knew that no one was supposed to touch me there. But ever since Justin started to molest me, my privates would always hurt and I couldn’t explain it. After I had my daughter( I have a vaginal birth) I tore and needed stitched for the second time(I had stitches from a rape years ago) and I remember laying in the hospital on my side crying because my anal area had hurt so bad. It wasn’t from the stitches per se but I kept feeling like someone had put something in my rectum and I couldn’t get it out. It didn’t hit me until earlier this week that I was having body memories of Justin putting his finger in my rectum when I was 5. I never really understood that everything was connected to each other as far as emotions and feelings.

“Separating rape/abuse and sex
It is important to learn to separate rape/abuse and sex. Healthy sex is nothing like the violation you experienced, and in working on your sexual healing and rediscovering your likes and dislikes; you can learn to differentiate the two. The actual acts may be the same, but that is where the similarities end.

This task can become complicated, as many non-survivors connect rape and sex, so their perceptions become skewed. Survivors may worry that others are judging them for wanting to become sexually active, or that the assault must not have been “that bad” if they are able to enjoy sex again. Some people may even openly question a survivor’s desire to engage in sex after rape or abuse. As difficult and wounding as these types of comments can be, it is important not to let them interfere with your own views and desires. You are entitled to healthy sex, and no one can tell you how to feel.”

When it came to sex, I always felt dirty and nasty. I felt like I wasn’t deserving of anything but pain because that’s the only thing I was used to. After being raped and abused for so long, it’s so hard to get used to being treated with respect. I had no emotional connection with the act of sex but pain and Frank along with Banky and the other men. It’s a hard concept to grasp, knowing that you have the right to your body and no one else does. It was hard for me to accept that I can say no to sex now. That I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to.  The Vaginismus makes it that much more difficult, especially when you do want to be intimate because the anxiety and fear of sex made my body go on danger mode and my vagina would close up.

So this is where my journey begins. I had to take back what Justin, Frank and Banky took from me. I am so determined to thrive from this instead of bouncing between victim and survivor. Right now I’m in Sex Therapy and working around the issues that makes me so anxious about sex. It’s going really well so far. I understand how my body is connected to my past but also to my mind.

I went and bough Ben Wa Balls for kegel exercises and so far its helping me relaxes a lot more. Ummmm…………. Sexually I feel so free right now. I don’t feel like I’m being pressured to do anything I’m way more open about what I want and what I like and what I’m willing to try. It’s like I have control over my body and I don’t feel like it’s in danger anymore.

There is a terrible pain in knowing that you never had the chance to know sex without it being coloured by your experience of rape. Intimacy can always feel as though it is tainted by this first terrible experience and for some it can be difficult to separate sex from violence.

I just get so mad at myself when it comes to therapy and my reactions because I just feel like that I should have finished therapy years ago. I feel as though right now I’m my life I’m wasting so much time trying to fix myself when I should be enjoying my family and life. It’s almost a heartbreaking feeling, it’s a lost feeling that I feel about it. However mad I get at myself for not doing this earlier, I can’t say that the end result would have been the same. If I would have gotten the help I’m getting now when I was 18 I might not have my daughter or husband in my life, and for that I wouldn’t change anything in the world.

“An added problem may arise when a survivor is the one to initiate sex. A caring partner may worry about triggering you, and leave it to you to initiate sex when you are ready. This can make the survivor uncomfortable if they constantly feel as though they are asking for sex. If this is the case, try talking to your partner. It is likely that they are struggling with feelings of their own, or are trying to let you take the lead.”

As I’m writing this, I keep trying to hold back the tears because I shouldn’t be going through this right now. It’s not normal at all, the one thing you’re supposed to have total control over is your breathing, your brain and who you choose to have sexual contact with. I’m really just really pissed off that I even had to create this blog in the first place. What’s done is done but it’s still hurting me and I’m still working on it so that I can be happy and healthy.




“Survivors may feel guilt because they are unsure of their true motives or reasons for wanting sex, and so they struggle with knowing whether or not they are truly engaging in healthy sex. It is common for survivors of sexual violence to use sex to distract themselves, punish themselves, or even as a way to re-live their assault. These types of reactions are normal, and you are not alone. If you are unsure of whether you are using unhealthy ways to cope, consider asking yourself the following questions:




How do I feel before sex?

How do I feel after sex?

Why am I choosing to have sex?

Do I enjoy myself when I am having sex?

Would I change anything about my sexual encounters?”




After I was raped when I was 16, I never wanted sex, at all. I was one of those women who would be happy never having any form or intercourse in their lives. It’s a really sad thought and reality, knowing that you had been so hurt by someone else’s choice that you wanted nothing to do with your own body. When I did have sex with my ex-husband(we were married at the time) I never felt anything emotional but guilt. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was ok but I had no emotional connection to the act its self. I knew something was wrong when I started feeling bad and dirty after we had sex. (That had nothing to do with him, it was me and my past and my feelings)




“I couldn’t have sex unless I was drunk or high. I would feel too out of control and triggered. The alcohol and drugs numbed that all out and gave me a kind of confidence. I had a lot of sex that I wouldn’t really want to have today though.—Lourdes Healing Sex, A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines”




And I had to be a little bit tipsy or have one drink in me before we did anything. It’s like all the feelings and emotions from the rape and abuse just took over me and the only way I could be with him was when I did have a drink.

“Those who lose their virginity to rape often find that one of the hardest aspects of the aftermath is finding a way to reclaim their sexuality. How can you reclaim something if you never knew what it was like to begin with? Having such a negative first experience can mean that you do not get the opportunity to know your body as your own. It can also really distort your view of sex in general.”




Because I was raped as a virgin I feel like total crap. I feel like an idiot and I actually wish that I would have had sex before I was raped. I would have had it something to compare it to. No sex after you’ve been raped will never be the same as before but they know how it feels to have consensual sex, I don’t. I do know but because of all the crap I’ve been through and the end results it only hurts even worse. I don’t have my own sexuality yet even though I’m working on finding it. Ugh one time my thoughts on sex were so bad that I didn’t like my body. I still don’t like my vagina but I’m starting to love the rest of me now.

The Vaginismus doesn’t help either. Because of the trauma from the rapes and abuse it’s what I have now. It’s when penetration is very painful and intercourse is almost impossible or too much to bear. Your PC muscles will clinch and you have no control over it.







I try to hold back my tears every night from everything I’m dealing with. I don’t have time for myself so I don’t really have any place to put the emotions I’m feeling unless it’s the quick 30 minutes between naps, showers or cooking. I feel like I’m at rock bottom but about to crash head on with no one to catch me. I feel so damaged from my family, my past and who I am now that I’ve been working on all of them at the same time, hoping ateast one will be fixed.

I cut myself last week. The next morning I did it, I didn’t notice but I was in the bath tub crying my eyes out over all the shit I’ve done, the mistakes what I haven’t done and I got so depressed and lonely that I had to cut. The last time I cut was in 2003 after I was raped (when I started drinking to numb the pain). I looked down at my arm (this was before I realized I had cut on purpose) and was trying to figure out when I got this odd cut from (it was vertical on the vain on my arm but further down). Usually when I get cuts (natural ones) it’s always on the side or at an angle or weird shape. That day I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I noticed that the blade was taken off my razor and I knew what what hppend then. I don’t even remember all of it. That’s how I knew something is wrong right now cause I haven’t had thoughts of dying since after my daughter was born(because of PPD and me not eating is what my doctor said) . But all I could remember was how much I wanted to die because of how much pain I’m in and how no one was paying attention and didn’t care.




I’m just beyond exhausted; I’ve been getting 2 hours of sleep every night for the past 3 weeks. My dad’s birthday is Monday and next Monday we take him off of life support. I’m just so emotionally drained that my body is starting to react to it. But this week I will be meditation, yoga and blogging at least 3 times a week………….




I just had to get this off my chest

It is important to note that Vaginismus is not triggered deliberately or intentionally by women. Vaginismus has a variety of causes, often in response to a combination of physical or emotional factors. Despite the fact that Vaginismus is involuntary and can strike any woman, many women feel intense shame from being unable to have intercourse and keep their pain private, feeling uncomfortable sharing their secret with anyone.

Its 4am and I can’t sleep at all. I’ve had Vaginismus since I was 19 from multiple assaults. It’s always bothered me to the point my anxiety goes through the roof and I start having panic attacks from thoughts about the rapes. Things have gotten a little better but I feel like the stress from my life, therapy, dealing with my dad dying and trying to be a mom are messing with me emotionally. I started getting really emotional about this last week. The stress is getting so bad now that for the past two months I’ve been having my period a week earlier. Like I can feel my body getting weaker every day. I don’t have an appetite anymore; I’m restless when I try to get to sleep but most nights I only get 2 to 4 hours.

So when I usually have my period I use tampons and I think it might just be my nerves but they hurt when I put them in and I can feel them inside me and I start to freak out and remember how it felt when I was raped. Then I feel dirty I still feel bad. I get antsy and nervous and just feel like breaking down and crying.