So sick of reading books.
Tired of flipping through pages looking for help for some stupid shit that I
didn’t even fucking do to myself. The thoughts racing through my head make me
feel like I’m going fuckin crazy. Spending hours on the damn computer looking
for PTSD groups for rape survivors in the area I live in.
Calling RAINN is such a
pain in the fuckin ass. It pisses me off and makes me angry every time I have
to call them because as soon as I call they always direct you to the crisis
center in the areas you live in. the rape crisis center in my area sucks to say
the last. Like they don’t have people to work with people who’ve had suffered multiple
traumas which is what I am. They don’t work with survivors one on one who has PTSD.
I don’t fuckin understand how the fuck you’re a rape crisis center and don’t
have the resources to work with PTSD.
It just irritates the
shit out of me how much of a headache I have to go through to find local help
for it. It’s getting worse every day. The night terrors are getting worse at
night. I’m remembering things that I had pushed back about the rapes and it’s coming
out now. The night terrors keep me up at night to the point it’s starting to take
me 8 hours just to relax enough so that I can go to sleep. I’m back to having
sleeping in the dark again, I swear every time I close my eyes when I’m lying
in bed I see Banky standing in the doorway again. Ugh I want to throw up and
just get up and the fuck out of him.
I’m not really the type
of person who gets mad easily but man I swear lately I've just been so pissed
off an angry and mad. Like if I saw any of the men who hurt me I would kill
them. I would kidnap them and torture them into a slow painful agonizing death.
I want them to feel the pain that they caused me. They are walking around
living their lives without a care in the world and I’m sitting her 10 years into
fuckin therapy and I still can’t be touched, can’t have sex, I cry every day.
I can’t function in
relationships. This whole time I convinced myself that I’m ok, that I’m like
everyone else in the world but I’m not. The more I start changing and better
myself it just seems like more is being thrown at me. I’m having the hardest
time coping with life right now and to be honest with you I am scared of the
future. Like I’m glad I’m changing and understanding what’s going on with me
but on the other hand it makes me actually think about everything. Like I feel
like I’m serving a life sentence. That was the one thing that I like about
being married to my best friend. I didn’t have to worry about starting over
with someone else, I didn’t have to explain the flashbacks or panic attacks, he
knew how to touch me, when not to and just that whole overall respect for me
and what happened to me. Now it’s like I have to start over again if I don’t
want to die on this earth a lonely woman. I have to reteach someone else
everything and explain it to them and learn how to get used to them and their
feelings.
I’m a realist, I’m not
stupid or that naive little girl I used to be. After everything that’s I've
experienced I know how the world works. Men like sex, me like to touch and hold
their women. Men like to be touched and loves (that’s goes for women also). If
my best friend couldn’t handle me why would I expect anyone else to handle me
too? I try to look at things from the people’s perspective that way I can try
to understand their feelings and thoughts. If I was a man I wouldn’t want to me
with me for that reason. Everything else is good, I know that I can handle it
but other people cant. And they don’t understand it either. Why would a man
want to be with someone he can’t be intimate with or can’t touch and then have
to deal with their panic attacks? Some of the men these days just don’t want to
deal with that kind of headache. Hell most people don’t want to deal with it
either. It’s like walking around with a sign around your neck saying I’m a
wonderful person who gives back and loves but can’t be touched or looked at in
a certain way.
What do you do with
that????
