I’m tired and I just want to cry. It’s been a bad day and
even worse year. I can’t say how much I miss my dad right now. I’m just so
exhausted and tired of crying over it. I’m tired of crying knowing that he’s
still suffering, I’m tired of crying about how he’s not here anymore, I’m tired
of crying over he will never hug me again and it hurts just a little bit more
than heartbreak.
I haven’t really been feeling too good all day, tomorrow is
thanksgiving and he’s not here. He’s not here bugging me about what I’m cooking;
I miss him telling me to find out what time Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is
coming on. It came on today and I had it set for auto tune to watch but I couldn’t watch it by myself, I tried, I cried.
I’m trying to be strong but it just feels like every time I feel
ok and I accept it, it’s like being shot in the stomach again and reality sets
in. some days I think that he’s just on a really long vacation and then I walk
by the living room and see his jacket and I want to put it on but I don’t want
to forget what he smells like. I’m starting to forget what his smile looked
like so I try to look at pictures but that only makes me cry harder and I feel
sad instead of happy. I had forgotten what my dad sounded like until I forgot
that I had a video of him singing Oh Christmas tree to our tree. I’m so happy
that I found that video, it’s the last thing that I have left of him.
It’s such a depressing and lonely feeling. Some days I want
to lie in bed and just cry until I feel better instead of pushing myself to
stay up all night trying to relax so that I can cry. I’m just tired and I miss
my dad more than I can even being to explain………….