Therapy is getting harder and harder every day, but not in a
negative way. The more I get into it, the more that it uncovers and I have to
face it head on. all the things that I have been avoiding for the past 10
years, everything I’ve been trying to sugar coat so that I can feel better, my
own personal issues and problems and things that I’ve swept under the rug to
survive I’m facing right now. It’s not a bad thing at all; actually it’s kind
of like a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days but
the good days are becoming so much better than the bad ones.
Since divorcing my family I feel free. Like I have no ties
to them, they can’t hurt me anymore, especially my “mother”. I’ve took my power
back. This whole time I thought I was supposed to take care of her, I felt like
the mother until one day I started cooking for just me, and my
daughter. I had gotten tired of feeling unappreciated. I would clean up after
everyone, and cook 4 course meals every day and i was the only one eating it. One day I just cooked for me and she came up to me and
was like whens dinner ready. I said I don’t cook for everybody anymore because
no one eats it. The food I cooked all last week is still sitting in the
refrigerator. (By then I had stopped cooking for everyone for at least a week
and she didn’t even notice.) Without a second thought, she went up to my “sister”
and asked her to cook her dinner. (She went in there and cooked her dinner like
she was her slave, my mother just sat there on her ass like a queen on her
throne). It was like no matter what I did
or how hard I tried to make her happy or love me, I couldn’t force her to do
it. And that’s when the hurt began. But the truth also started to come out also.
I had opened my eyes up to her and realized that she doesn’t give a damn about
me or anyone else; she only cares what you can do for her. She will die that
way too. I’ve already accepted it and that’s ok. I’m an adult now; I don’t have
to answer to her. I still respect her until the day she dies, and along with
that respect comes my right to divorce my mother and my family.
Yes I said it and I don’t care what anyone feels about it. You
don’t live my life, you don’t live in the same house as me and no one will ever
understand it unless they have dealt with a Narcissist before. Growing up wasn’t
physically abusive as it was more emotional abuse from my mother. I will still
never understand why you would tell a 5 year old that you’ll cut off her hair
if she flips it again. My “mother” is not a mother. Any woman can have a kid,
it takes a real woman to have a connection with that child and want them to
succeed in the world. It’s always some half ass excuses with her when you
confront her, or shell twist your words and pretend like she doesn’t know what she’s
doing. If you get the best of her one time, shell go back and tell everyone you
both know how much you hurt her and how she doesn’t understand why you don’t love
her when its actually her that hurt and betrayed you.
And the funny thing is, it’s not like I never tried having a
relationship with my mother, I tried up until this year and I got sick of her
shit. In high school I wrote her letters telling her what was going on with me
and what was bothering me and how I needed her. She never responded back, the
conversations that we had, she ignored and changed the subject and tried to
blame me for her own actions. Or my favorite apology of hers is “if I hurt your
feelings then I’m sorry”. I’m telling you that you hurt me so why can’t you say
I’m sorry that I hurt you and leave it at that. Every excuse you make after
that defeats the purpose of even apologizing. If my daughter keeps coming to me
saying she hurt and she needs you there and that I was hurting her feelings but
not accepting her then I would stop what I was doing to try and fix the
problem.
This year I even told
her why I was upset and the things she did, like leaving the hospital and not
being there for me after I was raped and apparently according to her it’s my
fault that she doesn’t want to sit in the hospital all night. And of course my Narcissistic
sister took my mother’s side saying how when I was in high school I had this
attitude that I can do it by myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help. Geez………I
wonder where I picked that up from, maybe because I had to do it by myself in
school as much as a begged for my mother to be there for me she wasn’t. She didn’t
feel like going to any of my graduation activities, she sure as shit didn’t want
me to pick the activities I wanted to be in like chorus. Because she doesn’t feel
like doing all that driving around( Ummmmm……..news flaws, you weren’t the one
driving me anywhere dad was while you stayed at home because you didn’t feel
like seeing me sing) hell she didn’t want to take me to get tampons but you can
make a drug run. HA don’t make me laugh.
I took the blame for every negative thing she’s ever done to
me, I made excuses for her so that I could survive knowing that my mother
wanted nothing to do with me. She told me to my face she didn’t care if we had
a relationship and I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. Still holding on
to hope that maybe one day she might change her mind and want to be my mother. And
now that I think about it, it’s actually really sad, knowing that my “mother”
wants nothing to do with me, only what I can do to make her happy.
I am jealous of the relationship that my “mother” and “sister”
have. It’s like they can talk about anything and she listens. They watch movies
together and talk and when I tried to do that with her (after my dad went into
the coma) it’s like I was being a bother to her and she ignored me. I now I’m
grown but I did feel rejected and unloved and unwanted. You shouldn’t feel that
from your own mother. She’s supposed to be there for you but mine was not and
never will be. I feel like if I have to kiss her ass and suck up to her and sacrifice
my daughter and husband to make her happy then I don’t want to have any
relationship with her. It’s like to have a relationship with my mom I have to
do what she tells me to do and let her raise my daughter and let her do
whatever she wants. That’s not going to happen and I would never call a “woman”
like that my “mother”.
As a parent now I understand that parents do make mistakes,
they aren’t perfect, they fuck up; I’ve fucked up as a parent too. It’s nothing
to be ashamed of; the shame comes when you put it on your child instead of on
your own actions. Children rely on their parents a lot, especially daughters on
their mothers. When you grow up without having that emotional connection with
your mother you don’t know who you are as a woman. You don’t know what you like, you don’t have self-confidence
especially if it’s been taken from you by the person who was supposed to
protect you and that’s a hurting thing to realize and deal with and try to fix,
especially if you realize this when you’re an adult.
It’s like starting all over again from the beginning and learning
what you should have known when you were a child. It wasn’t my fault. I sat
there and thought about how her childhood was but then I realized that her
mother was always there for her whenever she needed it. Because at first I thought
she hated me because of her childhood until I realized that she didn’t treat
her son or her other daughter how she treats me. Maybe it’s because I look like
her, or because I don’t kiss her ass anymore and actually tried to stand up for
myself when I was a kid but whatever it was, it started in elementary school
and got worse from there. She chooses to act the way she does, no one makes her
do it and the fact that she’s aware of what she’s doing only lets me know that
it is a conscious choice. 
I’m putting the blame back where it belongs on her. She was
the adult, I was the child, you are responsible for how you treated me, not me
and not someone else, only you and with that I’m letting go of you.
