Maybe the G-Spot that everyone is talking about is not really a spot that produces and orgasm but if your rapist hits that spot your body has a way of shutting the whole thing down….

In light of everyone’s ignorant comments on what happens during a rape and women’s bodies I’d like to make this post of how I truly feel. Maybe I was the idiot who fell asleep during sex Ed but I had no idea that my body could stop itself from being raped. This is like really new to me because if my vagina can actually do that I would have liked to known this when I was raped the first time in High School that way maybe I could have just held on to my virginity a little bit longer.

So since there’s really no new magic button inside my body but the G-Spot I’m guessing that would be my Anti-Rape button that must be activated while I’m being raped right? Or can I not press that button myself? Like does it only work if my rapist is raping me or does he have to do it a certain way? Like does he have to be choking me or does it have to be violent? Do I have to resist in order for my vagina to stop working? Or does it have to get to the point where physical violence has to be involved? If I’m not violently injured during the rape then I’m guessing that I wasn’t actually raped because my vagina didn’t shut it down right?

So what my rapist did to me was violent forceful sex then? Or would it be something like 10^th degree rape? You know that rape where you don’t resist because you’re in shock and your body freezes on you and the only thing you can think or doing is making sure that you make it out alive during the rape. It’s the rape where there are no physical scars because the monster who raped you was your boyfriend or your husband, that nice guy who took you out for dinner after telling you how beautiful your eyes looked in that green dress you were wearing.  It’s that 10th degree rape because your body didn’t shut down and even though he threaten to shred your insides apart it doesn’t matter because he didn’t do it and because you have to prove you fought back but which you didn’t because your body could not move.

So what I’m trying to understand is what do I call what happened to me? I had no scars, no cuts no bruises……what would you call what happened to other women? They had no scars, they didn’t fight back, and they didn’t get hit? I call it rape. Not 1^st degree, not 3^rd degree, I don’t call it non-consensual sex or forceful sex or even sex against your will. I’m fuckin calling it what it is RAPE.

I say this over and over again. If it was your wife, your daughter, your sister, your mother or your grandmother would you really still be this ignorant. Would you say to your wife’s face that it was her fault she got raped because her body couldn’t shut the whole thing down? Would you tell your daughter that it’s her fault she got rape because she didn’t fight back? Would you say to your mothers’ face it’s your fault you got raped because you had a drink in the bar and got drunk? Would you say to your granddaughters face it’s your face you got raped because you had on a skirt and we know that men have no control over their penises and if its walking around in a short skirt then they are asking for whatever attention they deserve to get……….

What the hell happened to respect? What happened to not touching people unless they want to be touched? What the hell is wrong with people now days. I don’t understand how the fuck you can justify how an 11 year old girl gets gang raped by over 20 men and then say she looked older than what she is????? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF SHE WAS WALKING AROUND BUT ASS NAKED, 1 she’s a child, 2 you’re an adult and most importantly NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION. It’s as simple as that. Keep your fucking hands to yourself and leave other people the fuck alone. Damn what is so hard to understand about that damn concept?

Don’t even being to bullshit me around with oh it’s a mental condition shit. No it’s a choice. There are women out there who are willing to sleep with you whenever you want, although it is illegal there is prostitution, you can pay for sex(although I’m not promoting that either) if you like bondage and things like that they have groups for that, they have groups for everything so this I couldn’t find it crap is bullshit. Rape happens because WE LET IT HAPPEN. We are the ones who are blaming the victims instead of the criminals. We are the ones in the victims faces asking them why were you wearing this, why did you go out with him? Why were you drinking? Why was he in your room? Why did you go into his house? BECAUSE I FUCKING FELT LIKE IT. I wanted to wear a nice skirt, I wanted to have one beer at the bar by my god damn self, I wanted to go on a date with you, I wanted to kiss you on my bed, please explain to me where the fuck does any of that give you the god damn right to rape me? OH that’s right it doesn’t.

We need to get our heads out of our own asses and actually look around at what’s happening to us. The United States is starting to turn into 3^rd world countries when it comes to women and women’s rights, and victims and victims’ rights(yes men are raped, and molested, and abused, and in abusive relationships too). We have fucking dumb ass ignorant ass judges telling us that women can’t be raped because our bodies have a way of stopping the rape from happening (this is a dumb ass judge who apparently was a prosecutor in the sex crimes unit in Orange County) then had the nerve to say that he gave the case 6 years because that’s what it was worth.

So my rape and the threat towards me to shred my vagina, on top of your ignorant comment about me not being a real rape victim(because I didn’t fight back) and the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case." The years she will suffer will be more than 6 years’ worth of pain, it’s a lifetime sentence for her but he gets off with just 6 years. That’s all were worth is 6 years’ worth of jail time……….

 California Judge says victims' body can prevent rape

California judicial panel admonishes O.C. judge for rape comments

Judge Derek G. Johnson had said the victim 'didn't put up a fight' and that the sexual attack was 'technical.' The panel called his comments outdated and insensitive.

By Christopher Goffard, Los Angeles Times

December 14, 2012

A longtime Orange County judge who said that a rape victim "didn't put up a fight" and that her sexual assault was only "technical" has been publicly admonished by a state agency that said his remarks seemed outdated, insensitive and possibly biased. The Commission on Judicial Performance said Superior Court Judge Derek G. Johnson's comments breached judicial ethics.

At a sentencing in 2008, Johnson denied a prosecutor's call to impose a 16-year prison term on Metin Gurel, who had been convicted of rape, forcible oral copulation, domestic battery, stalking and making threats against his former live-in girlfriend. On the day he raped her, prosecutors said, Gurel had threatened to mutilate the woman with a heated screwdriver. Johnson imposed a six-year sentence.

"I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something," the judge said, according to documents released Thursday. "If someone doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.

"That tells me that the victim in this case, although she wasn't necessarily willing, she didn't put up a fight," the judge said. The judge, who has been on the Orange County Superior Court since 2000, also declared the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case."

"To treat this case like the rape cases that we all hear about is an insult to victims of rape," the judge said. "I think it's an insult. I think it trivializes a rape." The San Francisco-based Commission on Judicial Performance said Johnson's remarks flew in the face of California law, which does not require proof that a rape victim tried to resist an attack. "In the commission's view, the judge's remarks reflected outdated, biased and insensitive views about sexual assault victims who do not 'put up a fight,' " the agency said in a news release Thursday.

"Such comments cannot help but diminish public confidence and trust in the impartiality of the judiciary. In his response to the commission and at his appearance, Judge Johnson conceded his comments were inappropriate and apologized."

Johnson remains on the bench.

"Neither Judge Johnson nor I will be making comment," said Johnson's attorney, Paul S. Meyer, when reached by phone Thursday. The commission, which is composed of judges, lawyers and members of the public, voted 10 to 0 that Johnson deserved a public admonishment.

The commission said it did not learn of the judge's remarks until May 2012. The OC Weekly published a story on the judge's remarks in 2008

christopher.goffard@latimes.com

Copyright © 2012, Los Angeles Times

I fell in the dark, with no one to hear my cries, reaching out my hand to YOU but you weren’t there. It is in the darkness where my soul played tricks on me Allowing me to think I was truly alone, voices told me how I was the lowest form of life My womanhood had been questioned beyond belief, and my self-esteem was shot to hell.

August 8, 2004

I think about how I could avoid it every day. I know how people say it’s not the victims fault but I don’t think that’s true. Take my situation for instance. I I went over to his house in an area I wasn’t familiar with. I went to his bed room with him. I got drunk and I let him kiss and touch me where ever he wanted. Hell I even let him perform oral sex on me. I didn’t want to have sex with him. That never changed. I didn’t fight back hard enough to make him stop. It’s hard when your body feels limp and lifeless.

The clues were there the whole time but I didn’t pay attention to them. The drink, the bed room, him turning the music up louder. Now that I think about it, nothing in my head went off. I didn’t have a bad feeling or anything like that. Usually I can tell when I man wants something. It’s just something that goes off in my mind that tells me that. When I was sitting on the bed, he didn’t touch me at all. We were just looking at pictures and talking about our friends. It wasn’t anything more than that. On the way there he was talking about his daughter and about how he was going to take her to chuck-e-cheese that Thursday on his birthday. I told him I was raped before; over the phone I told him this.  He just wanted to be my friend that’s it. Nothing went off in my head, no warning sign nothing.

This was my fault. I had several changes to get out of the situation but didn’t. All the sings were there from the time I got to his house but I ignored them. I didn’t think and now I’m paying for it.

I don’t want to talk about what happened to some therapist. I don’t even want to think about it, what makes you think I want to open my mouth and say something? I’ve been through enough already with the case that’s going absolutely nowhere. I did the right thing, I told someone what happened but it seems like I’m the one being punished for the crime.

I know the detective though I was lying about the whole thing. The first thing that came out his mouth was some girls lie about rape, I’m not saying you did but some do because they had sex with someone else and have a boyfriend and feel bad about sleeping with the man. I knew after he said that, it was over. I didn't have a boyfriend, i wasn't seeing anyone. My bestfriend took me to the hospital. Being called selfish for doing something I didn’t want to do is a lot worse. It has been two weeks and the DA hasn’t even heard about my cause.

Questions run through my mind about why nothing has happened. Why weren’t the cops sent over to collect evidence? And why after 5 days of contacting the detective, the DA hasn’t heard about my case? This sounds really stupid but maybe it’s because they think it’s a waste of time. Why should they spend their time on a case that’s pointless? The girl is lying is what’s going through their mind and we don’t have the time or the patience when we could be working on a real case.

If I would have known this was going to happen, I would not have said anything. What’s the point if nothing’s going to get done?

I swear I want to forget about this whole thing and just forget about the case. He’s already won and he knows that. But I won’t. It’s not about me; it’s about every other woman he’s going to come in contact with in the future if I don’t stop him now. I can barely deal with the guilt of how I let it happen to me. What if he rapes another woman? How I can I live with that knowing that I could have stopped it?

Personally, I want him and my ex-boyfriend dead. Men like that shouldn’t be able to live after doing such a thing like that. But that’s not my decision to make. Whatever happens, he will be punished in the long run. God will take care of him when his judgment day comes even if the police won’t deal with it now. See Karma will come back and payback’s a bitch.

Now all I have to do is just hold on, easily said than done. Paranoia seeps into my mind. The fear of seeing him in my room is something I deal with every day. I’ve only been out the house 3 times for a fear of seeing him. Just the thought about what happened makes me nauseated. Constant headaches and loneliness are just the beginning.

My sex drive is gone. I don’t want it, and I don’t watch it on TV. a year’s hard work was taken away in 15 minutes because I didn’t pay attention to what was happening.

Keeping the lights on is the only way to know he’s not thee. Sleeping seems impossible now. I’m scared because I see him every time I close my eyes. Sometimes I stay up all night because it’s so hard to go to sleep so I usually wait until 5:00 because by then its light outside and nothing is going to hurt me. I go to sleep but wake up only minutes later sweating gasping for air only to realize that it’s just me, alone in my bed and he’s not there.

It’s just mind thing but I don’t know if I should even mention these things. I don’t want to scare anyone off because of this. I’m not crazy it’s just hard right now. I don’t want to be judged by anyone, I just want to make it go away.

Let us Pray for those that were Damage with the Devastating Anger of Mother Nature

July 16, 2004

Eighteen years old, but she’s a wise child for her age. Some might even say mature before her time. It’s been two years since he came into her life. One since her life as she knew it was stolen away from her. She now knows that she needs help and she’s getting it.

This is the only want to move on. She didn’t know she had to start from the beginning. Suddenly her ‘’mature” mind disappears and the frightened little child in her appears. Not knowing what to do or how to handle the situation, she hides.

Little does she know if she keeps this up, she’ll be hiding forever? Hiding in the past, she’s unable to look forward to her bright future. The frightened child hides in the corner of her empty heart afraid to move. She never saw the future or the sun tomorrow will never come for this lost angel.


July 30, 2004

Everybody expects me to be strong. I can only hold on for so long before I start to fall apart. All of this could have been prevented. I would have to say most of this is my fault, but there’s no need crying about it now. It’s done and over with. Once again I have to start over because of one stupid mistake.

I’m scared to walk around my own house, I feel like he’s here watching me. Just plotting his next move. I jump at every little noise, my heart starts racing and then I see him. Well at least I think I see him. I’m afraid to sleep in my bed with the lights off. I keep seeing him on top of me. It doesn’t stop, he doesn’t stop.

I feel like I just want to break down and cry but I’ve been holding everything in for fear of weakness. The worst thing is the public. I’ve been out the house twice now. Every time a terrifying experience. I see men looking at me. The thought of what’s going through their minds is sickening. Their eyes wounding over my body violates me.

I just want to get away from the pain. I feel alone with no one who understands how I feel. This journal is my closest friend right now. It won’t tell me I have to get over it and forget about what happened and it won’t ask me why I’m crying.

I can’t stand the skin I’m in. I can’t stand the feeling of my body anymore. I just feel so used. Every day I feel nauseated by the thought of that man on top of me. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I’ve thought about leaving but the gun is in my parent’s room and I don’t know where the bullets are. With one on to understand and talk to, I look for other ways to ease the pain.

Taking a knife from the kitchen, I hope its sharp enough to cut through the dead skin. The harder I press into the skin, the duller the blade becomes, I can’t take it anymore so I just place heat upon my wrist. Sitting there smelling my burning flesh against the heat. Knowing that I’ll get no satisfaction or relief from the pain. I stop and look at the damage I caused.

I hate the way I feel when I touch myself. Even taking a shower is hard. It’s not my hands I feel, it’s him. I hate sex and I don’t like watching it on TV. it makes me feel sick. I’m scared.

This has just begun and I feel betrayed by my mother and the system. I was lying on that cold table legs up in the air. He is outside because he can’t be in there with me. She never bothered to call to see where I was of what was happening. I just wanted her there, I was so scared and I wanted her there to comfort me. But she wasn’t. I never said anything the first time because I was scared no one was going to believe me. I told someone. I sat in the police station for two hours while the detective called me selfish for not performing oral sex. In the hospital for three hours while being looking at. With you outside and my own mother not there to hold my hands. I sit here knowing that my screams and cries of no and stop and repeated attempts to make him stop don’t mean shit.

They haven’t done shit. What the hell are they waiting for? No cop was sent out to his apartment and while he’s out there walking free, I am a prisoner in my own mind waiting for justice to be served.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines tell us it is a public health epidemic, with one in four girls and one in six boys being victimized before age 18. Pennsylvania alone has more than 3.1million victims. Nationally, it is more than 49 million. A child today has a greater chance of being sexually abused than of being in an automobile accident or breaking a bone.

Honestly sometimes I really don’t know why I even bother doing this crap anymore. Some days I wonder why the hell am I wasting my time writing and posting and spreading the word on something that people just close their eyes to. Some days I feel like just being normal. Waking up one day without having to check my schedule to make sure I don’t miss my therapy secessions. I cry about why I’m wasting energy writing in this blog.

My feelings are hurt. I’m feeling really emotional right now. I just understand how and why so many people ignore what’s going on. Especially those who I thought were close to me, who I thought were a part of my support system. I think that the more I open up my mouth and talk about it, the more people I push away and I think that’s what hurts. Like everyone expects me to be quiet about it and not say anything without regards to my feelings. But then again if I can push you away that easily by speaking the truth, then you weren’t a real friend or a support system to begin with.

I don’t want to deal with this anymore. The only advantage to speaking out and saying something is that maybe someone else will listen to you. Maybe you can help another victim get through the process or even educate someone who didn’t know anything about the topic. I do wish a lot of times that I hadn’t said anything, that I only told on person and that my family and friends never knew. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people (especially my family) by speaking out. I don’t know if the pros really do outweigh the cons especially when you have nothing to show for it.

I’m drained emotionally; it takes a toll on me. I just keep fighting and I keep getting knocked back down and I can feel my inner demons trying to come back and find me. This is how being raped made me feel. I felt like I was to blame. I was the one who had a drink, I agreed to go out with him and according to society, and I played a part in my own rape. According to them, I should not have had a drink with him, I should not have went out with him, I should not have been lying in bed with my boyfriend because everyone knows that’s how you get raped, by cuddling in the bed with your boyfriend. Damn now if that’s how you cause your own rape to happen then that would mean that every married woman has been raped because before she was married she did lay in bed with her husband cuddling………

How much logical sense does this make? I’m really starting to grasp the concept of there’s no one in this world to protect us but us. There’s no written law to officially protect any victim of rape from being raped. Hell a man can still rape his wife here and not go to jail because she’s his property.

For the past 20 years I’ve had different men had control over my body. I’m just now getting back the feeling that no one can control my body but me. That no one has the rights to my body but me and now some pathetic excuse for a man wants to tell me that if I get raped and get pregnant I have to carry my rapist baby? That if a 13 year old girl gets pregnant by her father, uncle, brother she has to have their child. That there’s no way a woman can get pregnant from a legitimate rape because a woman’s body has a way of shutting the whole thing down. A man is telling me that if I’m not forced down and don’t have any bruises it’s not rape. That if I don’t say no, it’s not rape. That if a 34 year old man has sex with a 17 year old girl that it’s not rape because the age of consent is 16 and 17 is legal and statutory rape applies to 15 and younger.

I’m pissed off and angry. This is really happening people; I don’t want anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my own body. It’s none of their damn business and they need to butt out.

Talking about it doesn’t hurt, it’s the rejection, the victim blaming, the talks, the politics, the ignorant comments, stares and snares that you face every day that hurt. I’d rather quit and do something a lot less stressful but then I think about how I was feeling when I was looking for someone to turn to. I had searched the web up and down looking for another black woman I could talk to about being raped and about being molested and for years I couldn’t find one or a website of one who is openly talking about it.

I think about my daughter. I’ve been raped enough times so that she shouldn’t have to go through what I’m going through. Everything is out in the open and up front. Everyone’s feelings are on the table and no one is looking down to see them. It’s like that big pink elephant in the room that everyone’s ignoring. I do understand it’s a sensitive and still a taboo subject to talk about BUT ITS REAL. It happens all the time, every day, minute and second of the hour.

Closing your eyes and turning your head does not stop that woman from being raped