Things Not to Say to a Survivor of a Sexual Crime Please don't...Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet. Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn to be safe again.

 What I don’t deserve is to be punished for it. It’s like everyone expects me to be happy all the time and I’m not. I cry and its ok, I don’t need anyone else’s permission to fucking cry because I’m hurt. I was molested, I was raped more times than I can count and that hurt me. What happened to me hurt me in ways that most people can every understand it hurt me in ways that I can’t even begin to understand. So I talk about it, that’s my right to do so. I get sad about it, I have that right and personally I’m starting to feel like if me being unhappy because I’m having flashbacks or panic attacks makes you uncomfortable then that’s your fuckin problem not mind. I did not ask to be raped, I did not ask to be molested, I didn’t ask for other people to use and hurt me. I didn’t ask for my family to hurt me or be the way that they are towards me. I cry because I've earn that right to cry whenever the fuck I want to. I've earned the right to be sad whenever the fuck I want to. Over the past 20 years I've earn the right to have a couple of bad fucking days and you or no one else can take that away from me. I have the right to have my emotions and feelings change whenever they do.

 My healing has no damn time limit. I don’t care anymore that I've been dealing with this for 10 years because I realized something; it’s going to take more than 10 years to even begin to fix it. In fact it can’t be fixed; it can only be incorporated in to my life. However long it may take for me to do this it is ok. If anyone ever tells you that you’re taking too long to heal look them dead in their eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves. Tell them that they can tell you how long to take to heal when they’ve been raped, tell them when they can live your life then they can tell you what to do, look them straight in the eyes and tell them to either be by your side or get the fuck out of your life. I wish I would have said that to my ex-husband when he told him how long it’s taking me to heal. Like if that’s not the biggest bullshit I've heard in my life after my dad telling I disappointed him after I was raped. I don’t think people understand how much words really do hurt. And you sit there and repeat those words in your head and try to justify it, you try to make sense of the words but you’re just wasting your time thinking about it because what that person said to you will never make any logical sense. If I could hurry this process along and get better faster don’t you think I would have done it already? Like seriously think about it, who in their right minds want to feel their rapist inside of them every day? Do you really think I want to live the rest of my life this way? Because if you do then you’re sicker than I thought you were.

Maybe the G-Spot that everyone is talking about is not really a spot that produces and orgasm but if your rapist hits that spot your body has a way of shutting the whole thing down….

In light of everyone’s ignorant comments on what happens during a rape and women’s bodies I’d like to make this post of how I truly feel. Maybe I was the idiot who fell asleep during sex Ed but I had no idea that my body could stop itself from being raped. This is like really new to me because if my vagina can actually do that I would have liked to known this when I was raped the first time in High School that way maybe I could have just held on to my virginity a little bit longer.

So since there’s really no new magic button inside my body but the G-Spot I’m guessing that would be my Anti-Rape button that must be activated while I’m being raped right? Or can I not press that button myself? Like does it only work if my rapist is raping me or does he have to do it a certain way? Like does he have to be choking me or does it have to be violent? Do I have to resist in order for my vagina to stop working? Or does it have to get to the point where physical violence has to be involved? If I’m not violently injured during the rape then I’m guessing that I wasn’t actually raped because my vagina didn’t shut it down right?

So what my rapist did to me was violent forceful sex then? Or would it be something like 10^th degree rape? You know that rape where you don’t resist because you’re in shock and your body freezes on you and the only thing you can think or doing is making sure that you make it out alive during the rape. It’s the rape where there are no physical scars because the monster who raped you was your boyfriend or your husband, that nice guy who took you out for dinner after telling you how beautiful your eyes looked in that green dress you were wearing.  It’s that 10th degree rape because your body didn’t shut down and even though he threaten to shred your insides apart it doesn’t matter because he didn’t do it and because you have to prove you fought back but which you didn’t because your body could not move.

So what I’m trying to understand is what do I call what happened to me? I had no scars, no cuts no bruises……what would you call what happened to other women? They had no scars, they didn’t fight back, and they didn’t get hit? I call it rape. Not 1^st degree, not 3^rd degree, I don’t call it non-consensual sex or forceful sex or even sex against your will. I’m fuckin calling it what it is RAPE.

I say this over and over again. If it was your wife, your daughter, your sister, your mother or your grandmother would you really still be this ignorant. Would you say to your wife’s face that it was her fault she got raped because her body couldn’t shut the whole thing down? Would you tell your daughter that it’s her fault she got rape because she didn’t fight back? Would you say to your mothers’ face it’s your fault you got raped because you had a drink in the bar and got drunk? Would you say to your granddaughters face it’s your face you got raped because you had on a skirt and we know that men have no control over their penises and if its walking around in a short skirt then they are asking for whatever attention they deserve to get……….

What the hell happened to respect? What happened to not touching people unless they want to be touched? What the hell is wrong with people now days. I don’t understand how the fuck you can justify how an 11 year old girl gets gang raped by over 20 men and then say she looked older than what she is????? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF SHE WAS WALKING AROUND BUT ASS NAKED, 1 she’s a child, 2 you’re an adult and most importantly NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE THEM PERMISSION. It’s as simple as that. Keep your fucking hands to yourself and leave other people the fuck alone. Damn what is so hard to understand about that damn concept?

Don’t even being to bullshit me around with oh it’s a mental condition shit. No it’s a choice. There are women out there who are willing to sleep with you whenever you want, although it is illegal there is prostitution, you can pay for sex(although I’m not promoting that either) if you like bondage and things like that they have groups for that, they have groups for everything so this I couldn’t find it crap is bullshit. Rape happens because WE LET IT HAPPEN. We are the ones who are blaming the victims instead of the criminals. We are the ones in the victims faces asking them why were you wearing this, why did you go out with him? Why were you drinking? Why was he in your room? Why did you go into his house? BECAUSE I FUCKING FELT LIKE IT. I wanted to wear a nice skirt, I wanted to have one beer at the bar by my god damn self, I wanted to go on a date with you, I wanted to kiss you on my bed, please explain to me where the fuck does any of that give you the god damn right to rape me? OH that’s right it doesn’t.

We need to get our heads out of our own asses and actually look around at what’s happening to us. The United States is starting to turn into 3^rd world countries when it comes to women and women’s rights, and victims and victims’ rights(yes men are raped, and molested, and abused, and in abusive relationships too). We have fucking dumb ass ignorant ass judges telling us that women can’t be raped because our bodies have a way of stopping the rape from happening (this is a dumb ass judge who apparently was a prosecutor in the sex crimes unit in Orange County) then had the nerve to say that he gave the case 6 years because that’s what it was worth.

So my rape and the threat towards me to shred my vagina, on top of your ignorant comment about me not being a real rape victim(because I didn’t fight back) and the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case." The years she will suffer will be more than 6 years’ worth of pain, it’s a lifetime sentence for her but he gets off with just 6 years. That’s all were worth is 6 years’ worth of jail time……….

 California Judge says victims' body can prevent rape

California judicial panel admonishes O.C. judge for rape comments

Judge Derek G. Johnson had said the victim 'didn't put up a fight' and that the sexual attack was 'technical.' The panel called his comments outdated and insensitive.

By Christopher Goffard, Los Angeles Times

December 14, 2012

A longtime Orange County judge who said that a rape victim "didn't put up a fight" and that her sexual assault was only "technical" has been publicly admonished by a state agency that said his remarks seemed outdated, insensitive and possibly biased. The Commission on Judicial Performance said Superior Court Judge Derek G. Johnson's comments breached judicial ethics.

At a sentencing in 2008, Johnson denied a prosecutor's call to impose a 16-year prison term on Metin Gurel, who had been convicted of rape, forcible oral copulation, domestic battery, stalking and making threats against his former live-in girlfriend. On the day he raped her, prosecutors said, Gurel had threatened to mutilate the woman with a heated screwdriver. Johnson imposed a six-year sentence.

"I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something," the judge said, according to documents released Thursday. "If someone doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.

"That tells me that the victim in this case, although she wasn't necessarily willing, she didn't put up a fight," the judge said. The judge, who has been on the Orange County Superior Court since 2000, also declared the rape "technical" and not "a real, live criminal case."

"To treat this case like the rape cases that we all hear about is an insult to victims of rape," the judge said. "I think it's an insult. I think it trivializes a rape." The San Francisco-based Commission on Judicial Performance said Johnson's remarks flew in the face of California law, which does not require proof that a rape victim tried to resist an attack. "In the commission's view, the judge's remarks reflected outdated, biased and insensitive views about sexual assault victims who do not 'put up a fight,' " the agency said in a news release Thursday.

"Such comments cannot help but diminish public confidence and trust in the impartiality of the judiciary. In his response to the commission and at his appearance, Judge Johnson conceded his comments were inappropriate and apologized."

Johnson remains on the bench.

"Neither Judge Johnson nor I will be making comment," said Johnson's attorney, Paul S. Meyer, when reached by phone Thursday. The commission, which is composed of judges, lawyers and members of the public, voted 10 to 0 that Johnson deserved a public admonishment.

The commission said it did not learn of the judge's remarks until May 2012. The OC Weekly published a story on the judge's remarks in 2008

christopher.goffard@latimes.com

Copyright © 2012, Los Angeles Times