A Black Woman Surviving Rape: bi-polar disorder

Saturday, January 19, 2013

She suffers the worst pain in her life The skies lost color Time stood still She paid her dollar Her tears left fire marks in the sidewalk Overwhelming Her soul screaming Her nightmares are reality 16 years old Having to let go Became women As she lost her childhood

I’m tired again. I feel sad again. I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way. It’s too draining to deal with. My PTSD has gotten worse. At first the only things I had were the panic attacks, flashbacks and body memories. Now I have the anger: guilt, the voices running through my head. I've been having a lot of thoughts about suicide.

I don’t want to admit it but my head is really fucked up. It’s heartbreaking accepting the fact that what they did to me really messed up my head. This whole time I tried to take the blame for it. I was hoping that maybe if I took some of the blame I would have control over the situation and I could fix it. But I can’t take that blame because I can’t fix it by myself. I can’t do this alone anymore.

Every day I’m sad and angry and hurt. I want to stay in bed and rock and cry. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t even have the energy to go to work. I’m so fucking sick of faking being happy and faking the smiles. IM NOT FUCKING HAPPY. IM NOT FUCKING OK.

I feel like I’m going crazy. There are a million thoughts running through my head all the time. I can’t stop the voices. I wish they would just shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone. It just makes me think about a lot. Like I've been feeling like this since fucking elementary school. I remember every happy moment and every sad moment and I should be able to do that at all. This whole time I've been pretending to be happy just to survive and that’s the sad part.

The only thing that stops the voices is listening to music which is what I’m doing right now and I feel happy. I feel normal again. Sometimes the music doe make me feel sadder but then I can write it out and get it out of me. Smoking relaxes me enough to the point I can get some sleep and the anxiety does go away and I can function. Crying makes me feel so much worse. Like every time I cry it hurts so bad. When the tears come out it feels like my face is burning. My writs start throbbing so bad. I just want to cut just to make the throbbing stop. I want to cut to make the pain go away. But I don’t. I keep starting at the scars on my arm that remind me when I used to cut.

It makes me sad. I called some places today about getting help for the PTSD. They are closed so I’ll call them back Tuesday. When I was talking to the lady from the rape crisis center I broke down. I’m sick and need help. I broke down and started crying. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It hurts too much. The tears hurt too much. I’m just lost right now…

Thursday, January 17, 2013

“My emotions that first week after the rape were mixed up…..mostly anger. I wanted him to die. And I was upset with myself, with what I could have done….what I should have done. I felt afterwards that I didn’t resist at all. I just sort of stood there and let him do this to me.” Jennifer-Surviving the Silence, Black Women’s Stories of Rape by Charlotte Pierce-Baker

I’m not sure what’s going on with me lately. I’m sad and lonely all the time. I wish I could lay in bed all day and cry. I’m at work right now and I just feel like breaking down and crying. I’m just not happy anymore…with anything.

I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel like how I felt exactly after I was raped. I’m numb, emotional, lonely, and sad and I just want the pain to end. It feels like I’m walking around in someone else’s skin and I can’t peel it off of me.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me mentally. I don’t want to end up on medication. I know what I’m feeling is now where close to being normal. I know I’m depressed but it goes so much deeper than that. It’s like I’m depressed and happy at the same time. Like one minute I’m happy and excited about life and I can’t wait to change and 10 minutes later I feel like crying and I want to die. That’s not normal but I’m glad that I’m noticing these things.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life taking pills just to balance out my moods. I've felt this way since I was in middle school, it got worse after I was raped the first time. I just keep pushing it back and pretending that everything is ok. I keep feeling like I’m being punished for being raped, like it’s just one more thing I have to add to my list of problems and that I’ll have to tell someone and it’s just one more embarrassing thing. Lmfao as if having the flash backs, panic attacks, night terrors, body memories and Vaginismus isn’t enough to deal with, come on life why don’t you throw in a little Bi-Polar Disorder in there too?

I’m just really tired. I’m exhausted and drained. I keep thinking about my dad and how I have no family. In that year I lost my dad and I lost myself. It hurts a lot……

I just don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired now.

Mrs. Golden Rays

My name is Golden Rays, I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes which has led to Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition where intercourse is extremely painful and sometimes impossible. I advocate for other victims of sexual assault to spread the awareness of the problem. It is an epidemic and no one is doing anything about it. It is said that 1 out of 4 girls and 1 out of 6 boys will be assaulted before the age of 18. In the United States every 2 minutes another woman is raped. The myths behind rape are so damaging, especially when people actually believe in it. Most rapes aren’t reported. Most rapes do not go to trial. Majority of acquaintance and date rapes are committed by men the victim know and they are the hardest to prosecute because often times it’s the woman’s word against the mans. A lot of acquaintance and date rapes involve alcohol and drugs and NO it’s NOT THE VICTIMS FAULT. Ever

I am also the daughter of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother, Narcissistic Sister and Enabling Father. I’m also a survivor of a Malignant Narcissistic Mother. For those of you who don’t know Narcissism is a personality disorder that few people don’t recognize and don’t understand. People who suffer from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are like vampires (or parasites). They use you to suck the life out of you. Most victims don’t notice anything wrong because of how it can be undetected. They are very manipulative people who will do anything possible to gain control of you. If you happen to hear of one, run fast the other day. The effects of this disorder on the victim are very deadly.

I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. This blog isn’t just for black women but it’s intended to be directed towards them.